This reads a bit like someone trying to force a romantic relationship. Yes, we're no kids anymore, but this doesn't mean we're entitlted to anything. Relationships only really work, or are really fruitful, if not forced. Same applies to love. At least this is my experience. If you have to write "Don't be too hard to yourself" in an article which says "You're not uncool" in the title, something is definitely off. If you have to assert that "people already like you", you likely have personality traits that make you unfun to be around, which explains why you need to read this article. If I had to summarize, I'd say: "Self-help for neurotic people".
Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
111–120 of 371 posts
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#112I don't have any friends. I'm almost 40 and haven't had any friends since about 13. Each year since then I've averaged "going out" between 3 to 5 times per year for a "social thing". I think about wanting friends all the time. But then I think I don't really have anything of value to add to a friendship. I guess I have a low opinion of myself. When I think about what I'd hope for a friendship to be, I just don't know…
I am curious what you do for a living, why, and what would you rather do (or not do). Ignoring social factors, is there anything you would like to change?
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#113The pandemic made it so much worse for a lot of people I know. Or should I say it was exactly those people who made it worse for all of us? I am sure that a certain slice of the population my age
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#114Earlier quoted context omitted.
One thing I found strange about SF is that I never found a group that would do the weekly hang. The weekly hang is a socially porous experience, it has a fixed location and fixed start time but everything else is improvised. Different people could dip in and out, people felt free to bring new friends, people they just started dating, friends from out of town etc. Some people came once and never again, others become r…
IME, everything in SF that young people might want to go to is packed full of young people who made reservations a couple of weeks in advance. Not a lot of venues for drop-in occasions that accommodate 6-20 people dipping in and out. Edit: I can sort of imagine this happening at a bar with an unusually big patio, like SF's Zeitgeist. Not that Zeitgeist has a huge patio, it's just huge for the area. And if this gather…
Dolores Park on any sunny afternoon.
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#115Earlier quoted context omitted.
I think 1:1 is best for close friends who you have a strong connection with, and groups are better for more casual friends. You can have a group hangout with people who in 1:1 format you'd struggle to converse with. Personally I don't have any of those friends anymore so I don't do group hangouts.
I also strongly prefer 1:1 or small groups and I’m confused how one can be friends with a person they would struggle to converse with 1:1?
I can relate. For a lot of people, "friends" is someone you might find yourself sitting with at the same table at a group dinner or playing the same board game with a bunch of other people. But meet up with them one on one and you will quickly run out of things to talk about.
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#116I don't have any friends. I'm almost 40 and haven't had any friends since about 13. Each year since then I've averaged "going out" between 3 to 5 times per year for a "social thing". I think about wanting friends all the time. But then I think I don't really have anything of value to add to a friendship. I guess I have a low opinion of myself. When I think about what I'd hope for a friendship to be, I just don't know…
This is cliche and is much easier said than done, but try to ditch the low opinion of yourself, stop the analysis and negativity about how much value you would bring. And try to stop worrying too much about what other people think. Don't set out trying to find friends, set out finding something enjoyable or worthwhile to do that involve other people.
Find some hobbies or get interested in something, and join a social group related to it. Or join a volunteer group or two.
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#117[dead]
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#118Adults don't want to behave like they used to behave as kids.
They don't want to spontaneously talk randomly about something to an unknown person, because that comes with risks like rejection, looking like a fool, being labelled in a certain way, associating with somebody boring/annoying/leeching, etc.
Kids takes way more risks, including social risks, because they don't know those are risks.
I guarantee that if you go to clubs or public places you enjoy, and you bring out the kid in you (at least the part that doesn't bring chaos), you will make friends eventually. Not immediately, but keep at it, and it will happen.
However I noticed many adults don't actually want to live the process of making friends. Even without risk, they don't want to make the effort.
Because here is another thing that adults don't have and kids have plenty: energy.
And it turns out making friends require a ton of energy, because while you can be yourself and make friends, you cannot "be on your own" and make friends. You can't live a perfectly scheduled life and make friends. You will have to get out of your bubble, move things around in your day, welcome the unexpected, and interact. You will have to discard something in favor of it. And you will have to do it again and again because most people are not a good fit to be your friends.
Kids do that all the times, without even thinking about it.
Forget about the missing opportunities, it's only the tip of the iceberg, and it can be overcome by getting out of your way. I have friends that are 10 years older or younger. I made friends after my twenties and after my thirties.
Hell I'm going forty yet I made a new friend 2 years ago, and we are getting pretty intimate at this point. My mother is almost 70, and she is still dating.
But when I feel like inviting new people into my life (which I don't always do, right now I have closed doors, I don't have an infinite reserve of private life to share), I will invest in it. I will accept the cost.
Because making friends is not free. Just like sex is not free and speaking your mind is not free.
Kids don't realize the cost, and bare less the weight of it, but we are very aware of it.
Making friends don't "just happen naturally" when you are a kid, there is a process.
But the process is seamless to kids, while it requires effort to adults.
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#119> "Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch." This is the most important tip in the article, in my experience. When I lived in SF, most of my friend hangs were 1-on-1 catchups over coffee or lunch. Schedul…
I hate hanging out in groups and almost exclusively do 1:1. I have no problem talking to my friends for hours on end, it never feels like a chore and I always makes time. Your experience reads quite strangely to me. Even if there is nothing new to talk about, spending time with friends is rewarding in itself.
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Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#120I'm from the Netherlands, and moved to Quebec (French part of Canada) 16 years ago, to be with my (now) wife, and even after all those years, I still feel I can't express myself as well in French as in my native language. This, I think, is my biggest hurdle when making new friends. We also live in a beautiful small village, with three great kids, and really have a great life, but a small village isn't the best place…
There could be other people living in that small village thinking the same thing. Start a katana-wielding club and see who turns up?