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Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

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Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#91

Post by throwaway8503 »

xlii wrote: post #75

I’m seeing people commenting “yeah I’m uncool” and I highly doubt it. For me, personally, problem is that I can only relate in context. If I leave the context - poof - it’s gone. And I feel it’s very similar with other people too. We work, we communicate a lot and build relation. Someone moves on, switches the context and it’s gone. The same with gaming or sports or anything. Few more closer friends I have are closer…

The fact that context matters so much makes it hard to avoid concluding that such relationships are not friendships in any sense of the word, they're just pleasantries to make the other parts of the context - the reason why you're in whatever situation - go more smoothly. Agreeableness. More agreeable with some people than others, sure, but not friends.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#92

Post by F-W-M »

imheretolearn wrote: post #46

The article does not mention how immigrants can make friends. Not all but most natives treat immigrants as outsiders. I get it that you are more likely to be friends with someone who is similar to you. If it was difficult for a city girl to make friends with people who look like her but grew up in a different location, I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for immigrants who don't look the same, have a differ…

I live in germany and work in an international company. I am the only german on my team. A lot of the younger colleagues blame their difficulties on making friends on german racism and stay in their expat circles, but the truth is: it's hard for everyone here.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#93

Post by jacooper »

dodyg wrote: post #77

It really depends on the city. Making friends in Cairo, Egypt, where I currently reside, is very easy. People are very hospitable, there are a lot of house parties and you can crash any party (bring booze) and you will be welcomed with open arms. It's a massive metropolis and there are a lot of things to do.

What? Booze in egypt?

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#94

Post by jvm___ »

shalmanese wrote: post #35
csallen wrote: post #4

> "Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch." This is the most important tip in the article, in my experience. When I lived in SF, most of my friend hangs were 1-on-1 catchups over coffee or lunch. Schedul…

One thing I found strange about SF is that I never found a group that would do the weekly hang. The weekly hang is a socially porous experience, it has a fixed location and fixed start time but everything else is improvised. Different people could dip in and out, people felt free to bring new friends, people they just started dating, friends from out of town etc. Some people came once and never again, others become r…

Your local Facebook or meetup.com page probably has a running group that meets regularly. Look for the "Meet at 6:30am Friday morning in the parking lot by Starbucks" group. If you show up to that enough I guarantee you'll have 20-50 friends by the end of this year and attend a fun Christmas party where you know or can chat to multiple people.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#95

Post by legerdemain »

csallen wrote: post #4

> "Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch." This is the most important tip in the article, in my experience. When I lived in SF, most of my friend hangs were 1-on-1 catchups over coffee or lunch. Schedul…

For a while, that was my strategy to cultivate a social life: organizing brunches with 6-10 former teammates and acquaintances.

As social occasions, the brunches didn't lead to anything in my life. The guests made extremely generic smalltalk. I don't know if anyone had fun. I didn't get invited to anything else in those people's lives.

I was kind of glad that COVID killed the brunches because of how fruitless they were.

I get the idea that spending time one on one can turn into giving each other life updates instead of a more intimate exchange. But group events can also be really shallow and demotivating.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#96

Post by wkjagt »

I'm from the Netherlands, and moved to Quebec (French part of Canada) 16 years ago, to be with my (now) wife, and even after all those years, I still feel I can't express myself as well in French as in my native language. This, I think, is my biggest hurdle when making new friends.

We also live in a beautiful small village, with three great kids, and really have a great life, but a small village isn't the best place to find people with the same, very geeky, interests. Not that having the same interests is a requirement for friendship, but it would be really nice.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#98

Post by tenlp »

imheretolearn wrote: post #46

The article does not mention how immigrants can make friends. Not all but most natives treat immigrants as outsiders. I get it that you are more likely to be friends with someone who is similar to you. If it was difficult for a city girl to make friends with people who look like her but grew up in a different location, I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for immigrants who don't look the same, have a differ…

as I noticed,the people that from China are always tend to hang on with same culture and the same language,many of them,even have much more effect in social media, are still only in the mandarin speaker group

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#99

Post by epups »

tastysandwich wrote: post #47

I'm talkative, outgoing and pretty funny in real life. I think I can say that people generally enjoy my company. But I only have about three friends, and I see them maybe four times a year. I really get along with my coworkers and enjoy their company at work. My wife thinks I should make more friends. But the truth is (and I suspect this is pretty common with HN'ers), I don't want more friends! Because in addition to…

Yeah, I think part of the difficulty in making friends as an adult is simply because your time is way more scarce and valuable.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#100

Post by pengaru »

csallen wrote: post #4

> "Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch." This is the most important tip in the article, in my experience. When I lived in SF, most of my friend hangs were 1-on-1 catchups over coffee or lunch. Schedul…

How is this not just tribalism vs. meaningful 1-on-1 connections?
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