Earlier quoted context omitted.
This is most likely why the vast majority of suicides are men.
But, in fact, the opposite is true: 3 out of 4 suicide attempts are by women.
According to CDC, men kill themselves far more often.
Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding
111–120 of 152 posts
Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding
#112Wow! You just solved loneliness using 5 lines of high school level logic! Give this man a nobel prize.
This is embarrassingly over-simplified. Maybe don't immediately turn every half-baked shower thought into a blog post and post it online.
Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding
#113I really like the thrust of this argument (loneliness is about not being understood) but I think the solution is off the mark... > So it’s your task to make others understand you There is another task that is just as important. You need to find people who are capable of understanding you . It may sound like a cart/horse issue where you need to understand enough about yourself to find people who are receptive. That my…
>> You need to find people who are capable of understanding you This is spot on. I made a comment independently which made a similar point. Also, people who are too memetic (who tend to want what other people want) tend to lack self-understanding. Such people tend to feel uncomfortable when they hang around other people who understand themselves because it makes them question their own motives and realize that their…
BTW it's "mimetic" as in "mime" or "copy" as opposed to "memes".
Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding
#114Is there even any suggestion that people are capable of self-understanding?
I've heard some people claim that they know themselves, but I don't believe they do, at least their own description of themselves seem vastly different from how I'd describe them (not that I claim to know them very well either). I kind of attribute the claim of self-knowing to a lack of reflection on the topic, and maybe mistaking ones values and ideals for ones actual behavior.
Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding
#115Earlier quoted context omitted.
You mentioned that you're not sure about how to improve the one-sided empathy situation with your SO. So I thought it might be helpful to share some pertinent info that I've come across on HN in the past. I feel that the article and comment discussion on the "Intentionally making close friends" post ( https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33774353 ) may offer some actionable advice. Also, see the authors other post sp…
> It should be made clear that this is unacceptable and needs to change, but also that you are willing to give it time and work with your SO to help them gradually improve their empathetic capacity so that they can be a better partner to you (and better person in general) and keep your relationship healthy. When I wrote my sibling comment it didn't come to mind, but this is exactly part of what I'm feeling as well -…
> are there exercises or skills to help build someones empathetic capacity? Anything I can do (perhaps without involving/telling my partner directly) to help them? Behaviors of my own that I can change to get us going in the right direction?
I'm no therapist, but IMO, it is not healthy to try to help your partner change "without involving/telling them directly". It sounds like you are afraid to discuss this with them because of their reaction, and maybe they will tell you they don't want to change or feel the need for change, which would be another slap in your face.
Talk with a therapist; maybe your relationship is not all that great when it comes down to it, and you need to face that and perhaps consider leaving, or at least learn to accept that your partner is incapable of giving you certain things that you would like to have, but can't get from them. Not all things are fixable, and love doesn't conquer all, at least in my experience.
Another thing to consider: your relationship seems to be in trouble and you are unhappy with it. This could be magnifying other difficulties in your life, like at work, that would not be such a big deal if you didn't have these ongoing relationship concerns.
Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding
#116Earlier today I sent my SO a long string of text messages about a problem that I was having, including one of them that said "I feel like garbage." I was feeling really down. They didn't respond to any of the text messages; when they got home, I asked them about it, and it seemed like they just sort of skimmed them and they didn't notice that one in particular. I didn't mention it; I just let it go. Do I "not underst…
I have gone through literally this exact same scenario. I'll send my partner texts during the day and they'll ignore them even through their lunch/breaks, or skim them and miss something important. I get to the point sometimes where I have to stop texting them, even about unrelated topics or important updates, because I know the number of texts will build up too much and when they see it they won't read any of them.…
Chiming in, same experience. Partner has ADHD, but I feel like it’s so common nowadays it can be cause of everything.
You have rock solid support system elsewhere I see. I’m curious how do you feel about them ignoring the texts? Would you feel different, perhaps even insecure if the your partner wasn’t dependent on you?
Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding
#117I really like the thrust of this argument (loneliness is about not being understood) but I think the solution is off the mark... > So it’s your task to make others understand you There is another task that is just as important. You need to find people who are capable of understanding you . It may sound like a cart/horse issue where you need to understand enough about yourself to find people who are receptive. That my…
Making someone feel seen and heard is a skill…if one doesn’t have that in their family or friendship group then that is a real shame. I believe that nuance was missed in your analogy.
Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding
#118There are situations where this doesn't work- what if you are gay and surrounded by people who would beat you if they knew? What if you have ADHD and are surrounded by type A people? What if you are a bookworm surrounded by jocks?
What if you are just so different from everyone around you that they are just baffled by your existence? Revealing your true nature can be not only difficult, but in fact dangerous. It can put you at great risk.
And the sad thing is, if you grew up this way, you're going to learn to be very defensive and keep all your feelings secret and you're going to learn to blend in, and never let anyone see who you are, in order to protect yourself. And that will become a habit to the extent that anyone finding out anything about you is going to trigger fear rather than relief.
Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding
#119Earlier quoted context omitted.
Thank you for sharing. It is definitely underappreciated how the patriarchy simultaneously oppresses and privileges men. I'm sorry if you've had bad experiences with online dog-piling, but I'll note that understanding intersectional feminism has been important for my own personal understanding of my gender and the ways it negatively impacts my life (or positively for that matter). I think dog-piling is universal and…
The female part of the patriarchy (a word I hate) is not to be underestimated. The idea that men should be more in touch with their emotions is nothing but a narrative, reality is exactly opposite to it. Women do not select for emotional men. They select for status, wealth, attractiveness. Only when those qualities are met FIRST, perhaps you may also share some feelings here and there, but do keep that shit in check.…
Friend, I tell you truthfully that you are buying into a conspiracy theory, propagated by people like Jordan Peterson and Andrew Tate, which is not a true reflection of reality.
Men shouldn't be in touch with their emotions to attract women - they should be in touch with their emotions for their own well being.
The idea you're expressing is called hypergamy, and it's more of a caricature of human courtship than anything. There are women who are attracted to status and women who are looking for someone with emotional sophistication and there are millions of other things they might look for. They aren't robots; they don't behave in unison.
The other idea you're touching on is evolutionary psychology, the idea that human behavior stems from certain knowable evolutionary pressures. This makes sense at first glance but it ends up being a way for people to dehumanize others and use scientific language to justify the belief that a certain group of people are robots operating under a known ruleset. It's a rationalization of prejudice.
Evolutionary pressures are so vague and difficult to know, and sexual selection in particular, that you can justify anything with this framework. Try this on for size; "women disproportionately bear the cost of childbirth, so they're incentivized to select for partners with a high degree of emotional maturity, because these partners are more likely to attend to their needs during pregnancy, withstand the often traumatic stress of parenting an infant, and to be caring parents who will pass on these high-value traits to their male offspring." Is that any less sound an argument than that they select for high social status, or physical strength, or what have you?
I'd really encourage you to look into criticisms of these ideas. Unfortunately I don't have a lot to offer as far as places you may start, I've routed through my browser history and turned up a couple things that might interest you:
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/18/style/jordan-peterson-12-...
(Non-paywall: http://web.archive.org/web/20230115075145/http://www.nytimes...)
Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding
#120Earlier quoted context omitted.
"Men are judged by utility." I didn't realize this until recently. Rude awakening. Even the most close relationships turn out to be quite transactional.
"Only women, children and dogs are loved unconditionally" - Chris Rock. It's not as transactional as to be loveless. It's conditional love.
I'd like to push back on this. I feel my friends & SO love me essentially unconditionally, but are simply ill-equipped to express that in a supportive way.