Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

101–106 of 106 posts

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#101

Post by mattmaroon »

yters wrote: post #81
mattmaroon wrote: post #79

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "rote manner of interaction that I don't know, and don't want to learn." If you mean the talking about the weather thing, that's what talking people in bars should teach you to get beyond.

No, it isn't small talk. It's people expecting me to act in a certain way and not liking it when I don't. Maybe I'm just wanting two conflicting goals. The expected way of acting is natural for most people, but not for me, and I wish I could interact in a way that is natural for me too. I think I'll give the bar thing a shot. Any types of people I should watch out for?

I think people have fewer expectations than you might assume. Most people spend too much time judging themselves when interacting to bother doing it to others. But the way you judge yourself makes you assume others are judging you, but they're not, they're focusing on themselves. If that makes any sense, which it may not.

I'd say work your way up to attractive women. They're the hardest for a number of reasons (you're afraid of them due to approach anxiety, they're used to approaches and are more on their guard, etc.) Start off talking to guys and less attractive females. People are always most receptive toward people who appear to be in their own demographic and social status level, so start there and work your way out.

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#102

Post by yters »

mattmaroon wrote: post #101
yters wrote: post #81

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No, it isn't small talk. It's people expecting me to act in a certain way and not liking it when I don't. Maybe I'm just wanting two conflicting goals. The expected way of acting is natural for most people, but not for me, and I wish I could interact in a way that is natural for me too. I think I'll give the bar thing a shot. Any types of people I should watch out for?

I think people have fewer expectations than you might assume. Most people spend too much time judging themselves when interacting to bother doing it to others. But the way you judge yourself makes you assume others are judging you, but they're not, they're focusing on themselves. If that makes any sense, which it may not. I'd say work your way up to attractive women. They're the hardest for a number of reasons (you'r…

One more note. I don't think people are consciously judging me, it's just their natural reaction. I realize most people are much less aware than I am.

But, it isn't my natural reaction, which is why I have to learn how their system of interaction works, which seems like too much trouble.

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#103

Post by yters »

elai wrote: post #87
xlnt wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

there are a lot of replies kind of like this. but wouldn't it be better to learn to accurately judge people, and not socialize with people who aren't worthwhile?

Judgmental people are not successful socially. Get off your geek high horse!

But it is for this very reason we geeks always gripe about higher management, at least the ethically loose people who blended in with the crowd to work their way up the ladder.

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#104

Post by yters »

kj400 wrote: post #84

"...of awkward self consciousness, and feeling ashamed about said self consciousness" "...can't connect at the small talk level. I have an easy time talking with people like xlnt about abstract ideas and philosophy..." "but I strike out with anyone my age" those express exactly (exactly!) as I feel. Let's see how much more we can relate. Do you also: -Think that you are quite a weird yet funny individual, and wish yo…

Yes, good phrasing. I think I feel some of that less now, i.e. social shame and getting closed out. But this was very true especially when I was in high school.

Spilling my guts is something that's helpful for me too.

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#105

Post by petercooper »

yters wrote: post #66
petercooper wrote: post #46

Some great answers on here! Just wanted to give a contrary view though.. I tried becoming more "socially adept" for quite a while, but even though I can put on a pretty lively appearance on the outside, it's just not me. I'm an introvert and I accept that. One of the best bits of advice I've heard recently is to "focus on strengths, not weaknesses." That is, there's no point hammering away improving at things you're…

I think that's good advice, but I also do think I'm missing something. For some reason I am just not at ease around others, and I don't get it. I think I lack a sense of self, there's always a need for confirmation from others, not that you would think so if you knew me. Essentially, there is something missing and I feel disconnected from others. I cannot engage them on an intuitive level, I engage them on an analyti…

Are you uneasy even around your closest contacts, though? (friends, family, etc.) If so, then yes, there's probably something worth working at.

In my case, I get on ferociously well with a handful of people, but almost no-one else (at least, not for longer than an hour or two). That's good enough for me, but if ALL social interaction is a problem for you, then best of luck with your journey! :)

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#106

Post by jdavid »

wehriam wrote: post #100
elai wrote: post #89

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I disagree with self-made man. She confuses eye flirting with 'rude' eye contact, and other misunderstandings that would be unique to lesbians. Of course when the men don't want to flirt with you because they think your a guy, they don't try to keep eye contact with you! Something like self-made man could be counter productive, giving you negative social ideas that could make you even more awkward.

"Eye flirting" might be perceived as rude in the wrong context by people who aren't lesbians. Understanding that context is part of being socially adept. There's a fine line between confident and creepy.

yeah, i tend to find, confidence requires you to act quickly and with allowing her to reject you. creepy usually rests in hesitation, and well non confrontational actions from a distance.

i will usually look, smile, and see if she responds, before i say something. if she does not smile, i go back to something else.

Post reply on HN