My loss • Hacker News Board

Re: My loss

#101

Post by stoney » Sun, Jul 04, 2010, 11:41 PM UTC

fleitz wrote: post #97

dieterrams wrote: post #74

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I feel like I'm wading into dangerous territory here ("I'm going to get downvoted for this"), but I think petercooper raised a valid objection (sort of). Not that I really want to be picking nits over all this and getting hyperanalytical over one line from fleitz's inspiring story, but... You know why petercooper disregarded the "great, funny, vibrant, intelligent" part? Because those are qualities fleitz values in h…

Maybe he thinks I'm making a mistake, it just sounds like PC bs to me. I actually admit this kind of thing all over the place. It does two things, it makes you interesting, and it weeds out the wet blankets from the room. Just start saying the truth it's much more fun than pretending to believe a bunch of pc bs. Who doesn't like young and attractive women? Maybe peter cooper should tell elon musk he shouldn't be seei…

"You're only as young as the woman you feel" -- Groucho Marx

Re: My loss

#102

Post by cageface » Sun, Jul 04, 2010, 11:58 PM UTC

btilly wrote: post #82

thomasz wrote: post #53

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The truth is, family courts are highly biased against men Does anyone know about a study supporting this claim? Not that I'd be surprised, but confirmation bias can be a bitch...

Much bitching by men notwithstanding, I believe the exact opposite. Statistics say that after divorce, men usually wind up better off and women worse off. One place that I wound up reading about this, with lots of specific statistics quoted, was The Price of Motherhood . (That source had an obvious axe to grind. But including lots of citations from actual research, and that is the part I'd trust here.)

I've read otherwise. Divorce is also initiated about 70% of the time by women now, with women typically getting better settlements: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce#Gender_and_divorce

Custody of children goes overwhelmingly to women too: http://deltabravo.net/custody/divrates.php

What statistics are you referencing?

Re: My loss

#103

Post by cageface » Mon, Jul 05, 2010, 12:03 AM UTC

btilly wrote: post #84

honopu wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

is it and shouldn't it be a net worth upon marriage vs a net worth upon filing for divorce? The yearly earnings of the breadwinner shouldn't matter, they both squandered that while married, right?, if they didn't well let's split it then, as that is fair?

is it and shouldn't it be a net worth upon marriage vs a net worth upon filing for divorce? Depending on how you define said net worth, possibly. But you have to define it very carefully. So that's probably not a good way to look at things. The yearly earnings of the breadwinner shouldn't matter, they both squandered that while married, right?, if they didn't well let's split it then, as that is fair? The problem is…

If a woman puts her husband through med school, his expected future income is an asset that she had some role in providing him. Does she deserve to be compensated for that? If so, then how much?

Or, if a husband supports his wife and pays for her schooling while he's the only one working, is she still entitled to half of everything he earned in that period, including 401k and stock options?

In CA the answer is yes.

Re: My loss

#104

Post by todayiamme » Mon, Jul 05, 2010, 4:49 AM UTC

fgf wrote: post #96

todayiamme wrote: post #94

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>>>That sucks. Do you sleep well? If no the obvious advice applies, walk outside every morning, install flux or avoid bright screens at night etc. etc. I try that every day, but every night it gets screwed up again. It is hard for me to sleep at night and harder to wake up. What happens in the end is that I end up sleeping 12-16 hours a day. >>>For your year off have you considered doing something like volunteer work…

Ah, I assumed the college was Ivy League or Oxford/Cambridge. I want to get seriously off topic here with questions about cramming for the JEE. If you'll indulge me there is a mail in my profile.

Of course, I'll do that, but the problem is that, um I can't see it.

Anyway, you can reach me at yesthisisananonymousid [at] gmail.

Re: My loss

#105

Post by btilly » Mon, Jul 05, 2010, 5:59 AM UTC

cageface wrote: post #102

btilly wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Much bitching by men notwithstanding, I believe the exact opposite. Statistics say that after divorce, men usually wind up better off and women worse off. One place that I wound up reading about this, with lots of specific statistics quoted, was The Price of Motherhood . (That source had an obvious axe to grind. But including lots of citations from actual research, and that is the part I'd trust here.)

I've read otherwise. Divorce is also initiated about 70% of the time by women now, with women typically getting better settlements: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce#Gender_and_divorce Custody of children goes overwhelmingly to women too: http://deltabravo.net/custody/divrates.php What statistics are you referencing?

For every figure you have to dig deeper.

You point out that divorce is initiated 70% of the time by women. However that has little direct correlation with how the divorce goes.

You point out that women tend to get over 50% of the assets. This is true. However women tend to keep the kids, and therefore take an undue portion of the future economic liabilities coming from the relationship. In particular this makes it more likely that they will be granted the house - typically the couple's biggest asset. Furthermore if you include expected future income, women are suddenly much worse off.

And we come to the more important point. It is indisputable that women are much more likely to be granted custody of the kids. However most of the time men don't actually want custody of the kids. When men choose to contest it, they usually wind up with the kids. (For the simple reason that, having a more dependable source of income, men are typically in a better position to raise the kids.) you have to look at what the couple wanted. Men who choose to contest custody usually wind up with the kids. Therefore the fact that the woman tends to wind up with the bulk of the responsibility for that liability isn't actually a sign that women are coming out ahead in the divorce.

Re: My loss

#106

Post by protomyth » Mon, Jul 05, 2010, 6:21 AM UTC

pkaler wrote: post #52

cageface wrote: post #5

Side note - anybody thinking about getting married should look into the financial implications of getting divorced. It shouldn't stop you, but you should at least understand you're putting at least half of everything you own on the table and potentially more. I think you don't completely understand marriage unless you've been divorced. It may just be confirmation bias but I've been thinking about heading off in a muc…

Ask your lawyer about Family Limited Partnerships. Don't own anything yourself. It's better for tax and estate reasons. And agree up front how assets are split if their ever is a divorce.

You might want to also agree upfront on how much is individual versus couple during the marriage. It saves time and hatred when one of you buys a toy.

Re: My loss

#107

Post by thomasfl » Mon, Jul 05, 2010, 8:40 AM UTC

I also lost a wife, a job and the house in one year. You kinda define yourself as where you work, who you're married with and where you're living. Beeing forced to change everything in one year is... interesting.

Re: My loss

#108

Post by vijayr » Mon, Jul 05, 2010, 1:18 PM UTC

todayiamme wrote: post #60

lionhearted wrote: post #56

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Some things that might be helpful to you, in no particular order: -Look at David Allen's book "Getting Things Done" for getting organized and putting a loose general system that lets you feel un-overwhelmed. Very important if you've got lots of random to-do's that are overwhelming -Look at Josh Waitzkin's book "The Art of Learning" - start to understand deterministic and incremental learning. Incremental learning see…

Thank you. The funny thing is that in bits and pieces I had figured out most of the things you wrote, but I never connected them in this way. I also never had it in me to try them through, but now I am at least learning from my mistakes and we'll see how that turns out. I've realized that there aren't too many secrets to a beautiful life; it's just choosing the path that's too damn hard. Again and again until it beco…

I have a copy of GTD with me, if you need it I can mail it to you. Email is in the profile.

Re: My loss

#109

Post by keeptrying » Mon, Jul 05, 2010, 3:19 PM UTC

todayiamme wrote: post #87

keeptrying wrote: post #80

Earlier quoted context omitted.

* Theres no time frame to "go to college". Or for that matter to "be successful", "get married" or any such thing. Each to his own. * Dont be so hard on yourself. This kicks into motion a negative spiral. You need to stop this now. Immediately. Catch your negative thoughts. They are your real problem. Imagine how great a day would be without these thoughts? Meditation will really help in controlling negative thoughts…

Thanks a lot for the comment. The problem is that I live in India, and down here there is a time frame to go to college. I can only give the entrance exam in order to prove to those lofty institutions that I am "worthy enough" to walk through those doors. I hate this system, because everything falls down to a 6 hour exam which supposedly determines my entire "career". If possible I will apply to MIT et al, but I don'…

Again there is no time frame. Its something that is society induces but yes its very hard to see from where you are right now.

Sridhar Vembu who runs Zoho.com (chennai I think) doesnt hire graduate students. He hires people who havent got a degree. Try contacting him if you dont get into an engineering school.

College IS important but its not sooo important that if you dont get into a good one that your life will be ruined. I'm now working with people who went much worse colleges than me. Even one guy who spent 3 years finishing 9 credits :). Ie he never finished college.

Even if you go to a bad college, still go. It will give you a lot of free time and the oppurtunity to study. It does help. But if you dont get into a college at all, then there are many other avenues open to you from Zoho to starting something on your own to logging onto oDesk.com and start working on small projects.

Yes I'm from India :) but now live in New York city.

How to control negative thoughts: 1. Do something about your situation instead of thinking about your situation. This will take time to learn. In India we learn to analyze, read and think about stuff. But in reality that takes a back seat to actually "doing". Doing is much more important than reading.

When you find yourself thinking about your problems instead of doing something to make it better then you need to mentally force yourself out of it and start doing something. Anything that takes you even an inch towards your goal.

Learn C, C++. Contribute to open source software (really good way to get a great job later on). Get your body into shape (www.stronglifts.com - checkout the forums for other indians). Sign up to teach someone english in your city.

2. You need to help someone else at least once a day. Something unselfish. It can be leading a blind person across a street or calling up a relative you havent talked to in a while and saying hi. Something that will take 10 minutes but will really help someone else's condition. This will also force you to focus on others which will get rid of a lot of negativity.

If you do both of the above then you'll start changing. Change takes 2 years so dont think it will happen overnight. However if you dont start changing today, you'll never change.

Best of luck man. Drop me an email at railsnoob at yahoo dot com, if you have more questions.

Keep fighting.

Re: My loss

#110

Post by cageface » Mon, Jul 05, 2010, 4:39 PM UTC

btilly wrote: post #105

cageface wrote: post #102

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've read otherwise. Divorce is also initiated about 70% of the time by women now, with women typically getting better settlements: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce#Gender_and_divorce Custody of children goes overwhelmingly to women too: http://deltabravo.net/custody/divrates.php What statistics are you referencing?

For every figure you have to dig deeper. You point out that divorce is initiated 70% of the time by women. However that has little direct correlation with how the divorce goes. You point out that women tend to get over 50% of the assets. This is true. However women tend to keep the kids, and therefore take an undue portion of the future economic liabilities coming from the relationship. In particular this makes it mo…

However women tend to keep the kids, and therefore take an undue portion of the future economic liabilities coming from the relationship.

In this case they also get child support and, often, alimony.

However most of the time men don't actually want custody of the kids. When men choose to contest it, they usually wind up with the kids.

Source?

For the simple reason that, having a more dependable source of income, men are typically in a better position to raise the kids.

This isn't 1950 anymore. Women now outnumber men in many professions and are earning more college degrees. Of the couples in my office only one has a stay-at-home wife. In many of these couples the wife has a job with more authority and a better salary. Child care is being outsourced.

It's true that either side can lose out in a divorce but it's just not true anymore that divorce favors men.