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I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

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Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#101

Post by nostrebored »

striking wrote: post #82
nostrebored wrote: post #54

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The responsibility to be socially aware is your own. The responsibility to not put people in awkward situations is your own. One of the many reasons not to flirt with people in service jobs.

I find this concept questionable. There is a difference between someone who is legitimately stalking someone who very clearly does not want to be followed around (and they are aware of this!), and someone who is being really, really awkward (but totally unaware of the pain they are causing). What would you suggest the socially awkward person who doesn't understand that they're stalking do? You can't simply wish peopl…

A difference to whom? Because I'm pretty sure the stalkee probably thinks they've been clear, and the stalker probably thinks that they aren't being a nuisance. The impact is roughly the same, you scare, creep out, and reduce someone's quality of life.

A large population of people are not held accountable for their social ineptitude, which yields no incentive to be better. Reasons beyond their control is also something I'm skeptical of. I've known plenty of autistic people, and the thing that has separated the genuinely kind from the rest had been a large amount of effort poured in to becoming more socially aware. The attitude we have that some people are above reproach doesn't really help anyone.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#102

Post by dandelany »

fpgaminer wrote: post #87
shalmanese wrote: post #24

There's a moment in the pilot of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt where the women are rescued from the bunker and put on a daytime talk show and Matt Lauer asks one of the women how she ended up in the bunker: "I had waited on Reverend Richard at a York Steak House I worked at, and one night he invited me out to his car to see some baby rabbits, and I didn’t want to be rude, so… here we are." And Matt Lauer responds: "I…

> It's often hard for men to understand the societal pressure placed on women to be accommodating and not be rude and how this can be manipulated to constrain female agency in the world. Sorry, but I'm going to have to call out this statement as sexist. There are also several other strange "facts" being passed around in other comments which are similarly biased. To be clear, I'm not calling you sexist. In fact, I thi…

It is not sexist to observe that, in many or most societies on Earth, men and women are systematically treated differently in many social and professional contexts. Nor is it "perpetuating a gender bias" to posit that some of this difference in experiences between the genders may cause one group to be more affected by some societal pressures than the other.

I'm not saying it is one way or the other. Regardless, playing the sexism/bias card here is overreacting: you have one hypothesis, OP has another, neither of you has presented any evidence or argument. Larry David doesn't count.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#103

Post by striking »

nostrebored wrote: post #101
striking wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I find this concept questionable. There is a difference between someone who is legitimately stalking someone who very clearly does not want to be followed around (and they are aware of this!), and someone who is being really, really awkward (but totally unaware of the pain they are causing). What would you suggest the socially awkward person who doesn't understand that they're stalking do? You can't simply wish peopl…

A difference to whom? Because I'm pretty sure the stalkee probably thinks they've been clear, and the stalker probably thinks that they aren't being a nuisance. The impact is roughly the same, you scare, creep out, and reduce someone's quality of life. A large population of people are not held accountable for their social ineptitude, which yields no incentive to be better. Reasons beyond their control is also somethi…

I'm not advocating for putting people above reproach. And I'm alright with people being held accountable for social ineptitude.

But I draw the line at awareness: are they aware that the person doesn't want to be communicated to? I'm not interested in whether they think they're a nuisance or not (no one will ever admit to being one anyway), but having enough social awareness to understand that you are making a mistake and then doing it anyway is where I think "stalking" exists.

Simply being "inept," I don't know if people can be held accountable for that. I personally couldn't blame someone who was too inept to understand that they were talking to someone who didn't want to be talked to. But once someone has specifically said they don't want to be talked to, it's pretty obvious.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#104

Post by rl3 »

fabulist wrote: post #99
rl3 wrote: post #95

> I was never physically afraid of Danny and never will be. I would be. Danny clearly has more than a few screws loose.

It seems like they've had a lot of time to learn which ones, though.

True, although anyone that's both that obsessive and that malicious deserves to be considered a potential physical threat—barring some sort of major physical disability.

Even then, it's remotely possible they could still cause physical harm by proxy.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#105

Post by tobr »

throwaway39578 wrote: post #61
cplease wrote: post #33

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Or just telling him directly to stop himself. Maybe she did, but she didn't say she did. "Don't message me SO MUCH or I will BLOCK YOU" isn't quite the same thing as DON'T CONTACT ME AGAIN. A gentleman would get the hint, but a gentleman wouldn't be such a creepy asshole to begin with. You don't legally have the right to dictate to someone how they talk to you. You do legally have the right to cut off all contact wit…

"Don't message me SO MUCH or I will BLOCK YOU" sounds exactly like "I told my cyber stalker that if he didn't ease up on how much he was messaging me - my phone was beeping multiple times per day, bothering me at all hours - he could forget about breakfast in the morning from here on out - the next time he showed up at my apartment, I'd send him home with the night bus as soon as we were done having sex." (not a quot…

Blame the victim, right? The article doesn't say she has not told him never to contact her again, so I don't know why you assume that. And regardless, she's not bad at communcation. If someone blocks you and stops responding for years, it can't reasonably be interpreted as an invitation for more contact.

You also insinuate that they had a sexual relationship, which I think it's pretty clear they didn't.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#106

Post by varjag »

fpgaminer wrote: post #87
shalmanese wrote: post #24

There's a moment in the pilot of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt where the women are rescued from the bunker and put on a daytime talk show and Matt Lauer asks one of the women how she ended up in the bunker: "I had waited on Reverend Richard at a York Steak House I worked at, and one night he invited me out to his car to see some baby rabbits, and I didn’t want to be rude, so… here we are." And Matt Lauer responds: "I…

> It's often hard for men to understand the societal pressure placed on women to be accommodating and not be rude and how this can be manipulated to constrain female agency in the world. Sorry, but I'm going to have to call out this statement as sexist. There are also several other strange "facts" being passed around in other comments which are similarly biased. To be clear, I'm not calling you sexist. In fact, I thi…

How many men end up kept in bunkers against their will by women?

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#107

Post by fabulist »

One thing I learned in this article is that it's someone's job to call the victims of stalkers, apologize on their behalf, and ask to be notified if the behavior continues. It makes me wonder what process is initiated if they inform the lawyer that "Danny" has resumed harassing them. Will the lawyer call "Danny" and tell his client to shut up? Will he be billed for that time? Is the idea that, given a sufficiently expensive lawyer, he won't be able to afford his stalking habit?

It is interesting that they appear to have published this under their real name. No doubt "Danny" has read it with interest.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#108

Post by Symbiote »

subinsebastien wrote: post #86
throwaway39578 wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"Don't message me SO MUCH or I will BLOCK YOU" sounds exactly like "I told my cyber stalker that if he didn't ease up on how much he was messaging me - my phone was beeping multiple times per day, bothering me at all hours - he could forget about breakfast in the morning from here on out - the next time he showed up at my apartment, I'd send him home with the night bus as soon as we were done having sex." (not a quot…

I think she hates and sympathises with this guy at the same time. One could block someone on every single internet (or other) channels these days easily.

Victim blaming much?

How would you so them from emailing your employer?

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#109

Post by tomschlick »

fiatmoney wrote: post #5

Most of these amount to libel, at worst. File suit. There are excellent reasons for police to be uninvolved in what amounts to people saying mean things, even if those mean things are directed at your employer or friends.

Exactly. Lawyer up. Police can't ignore a lawyers request for a restraining order. That would be forwarded to a judge who would no doubt see the pattern of abuse which would also take into account if the perp has done this before.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#110

Post by anupamsr »

fpgaminer wrote: post #87
shalmanese wrote: post #24

There's a moment in the pilot of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt where the women are rescued from the bunker and put on a daytime talk show and Matt Lauer asks one of the women how she ended up in the bunker: "I had waited on Reverend Richard at a York Steak House I worked at, and one night he invited me out to his car to see some baby rabbits, and I didn’t want to be rude, so… here we are." And Matt Lauer responds: "I…

> It's often hard for men to understand the societal pressure placed on women to be accommodating and not be rude and how this can be manipulated to constrain female agency in the world. Sorry, but I'm going to have to call out this statement as sexist. There are also several other strange "facts" being passed around in other comments which are similarly biased. To be clear, I'm not calling you sexist. In fact, I thi…

Get married. See the true societal pressure.
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