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HN Help: I'm lost

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Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#211

Post by caffeine »

tlb wrote: post #201
caffeine wrote: post #139

You know me because of code I've written, books I've published, and my contributions here .... I'm in my early 40s, I've worked for start-ups and big companies. I made a little bit of money in the early 2000s which helped pay off a bit of mortgage. I have a family that depends on me financially. I'm in my early 20s, and I'm just starting graduate school. I think you're exactly who I'm aiming to be in 20 years. So it…

That's probably true for average joes. But I'm guessing the OP is far more motivated by making an impact in the world than average. Personally, I get 70% of my happiness from making a difference in the world and building great stuff, and 30% from relationships. (Despite that, my lifetime average length of relationship is 4.3 years. It could be worse.) I found that my life improved when I accepted that ratio and organ…

That's probably true for average joes

You mean the correlates? Yes, you're right. But it probably helps the 2-sigma people too. More importantly, it's immediate, and depends on nobody else's aid or acquiescence.

Personally, I get 70% of my happiness from making a difference in the world and building great stuff

I'd be really interested to know how you figured this out. If I knew something like that about myself with as much certainty as you seem to, I think it would change everything.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#212

Post by caffeine »

neilk wrote: post #200
caffeine wrote: post #117

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Which would deprive his wife and children more? a) Fewer expensive toys, a smaller/no TV, a small house, cheap clothes, and public school? b) A father and husband so busy repressing his pain, so trapped in the anguish of seeing his identity drowned, that he cannot express his true love and strength to them? His family will benefit infinitely more from the joy of his liberation, and his children from the example of a…

I think you're being a little bit dramatic. We're talking about computer professionals. The "pain" we might experience professionally is pretty mild. So we might only have a high paying but not totally self-actualizing job. If that squashes you down so hard you can't express your love to your kids, I'm not sure it's the job that's the problem. And going the entrepreneurial route isn't exactly a way to spend more time…

I am utterly unhappy with my life.

How is that not pain?

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#213

Post by marltod »

SwellJoe wrote: post #174
marltod wrote: post #165

Pull an "Office Space". I am serious. Only go into the office when you feel like it. Do things that you enjoy, watch some kung-fu movies with your kids or whatever. It can take months to fire someone as long as you don't get into a fight, and you'll get severance. When your boss gives you shit about your work hours, literally tell him "Sorry, I have a meeting with the consultants" and leave for the day. You're talent…

Office Space was a movie. A good movie, but a movie, nonetheless. It taps into human fantasies about being trapped in a cubicle, turning the tables, lashing out at our oppressors, etc. But it doesn't represent reality. Working for someone else is a voluntary association, not slavery or imprisonment. Note that at the end of the movie, the people in the movie have grown up a little bit, and realized that all the stuff…

Sorry if it wasn't clear, but do NOT hack the accounting software to steal from the company, or try to date a local waitress or leave fish guts all over your cube.

Do make your happiness and family a much higher priority than your job.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#214

Post by [deleted] »

noonespecial wrote: post #6

I'm posting this as a separate comment, not because I think that it particularly applies to your situation, but because it is good advice in the general case. If you should happen to feel, "I am utterly unhappy with my life" at any time, it might not hurt to at least darken the door of a trusted mental health professional just to be sure that there is not a clinical element to your feelings of malaise as well as circ…

[deleted]

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#215

Post by run4yourlives »

Eliezer wrote: post #208
cynicalkane wrote: post #94

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I shudder at the thought of HN turning into Slashdot, where know-it-alls feel the need to hijack any genuine religious feeling or discussion by injecting the latest anti-religion meme picked up from the intertubes. As of this writing the grandparent is voted down, so maybe the change is already happening. But I felt the grandparent was at least a good faith attempt toward something readable and interesting, whereas t…

Are you under the impression that religion is harmless fun? Read a history book. Even in modern developed countries, people who turn to religion out of desperation often end up seriously hurt. A huge mainstream cult is still a cult. There are better arguments that could be posted against why you should turn to Jesus, but I'm not ashamed to downvote the original comment. It's not good advice. I wonder... if I'd posted…

There is a post ending with "Namaste" in this thread that has definite Hindu/Buddhist references.

There is however no meaningless attack on that poster. Clearly the answer to your last question is yes.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#216

Post by run4yourlives »

Tichy wrote: post #198
run4yourlives wrote: post #188

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The problem is that in this situation he's not just leaving the wife, he's leaving the kids. That is never responsible, not matter what your mental hangups are. If you have kids you would understand this completely.

Well my parents are divorced. I don't agree it is to the best of the kids to stay together no matter what. If the parents are unhappy, they suffer too.

He didn't indicate that he had an issue with his family relationships, so I'm not assuming one.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#218

Post by hapless »

caffeine wrote: post #212
neilk wrote: post #200

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think you're being a little bit dramatic. We're talking about computer professionals. The "pain" we might experience professionally is pretty mild. So we might only have a high paying but not totally self-actualizing job. If that squashes you down so hard you can't express your love to your kids, I'm not sure it's the job that's the problem. And going the entrepreneurial route isn't exactly a way to spend more time…

I am utterly unhappy with my life. How is that not pain?

Your brain is pretty well set, like a thermostat. If he's in pain now, with his effete lifestyle and cushy job, poverty isn't going to improve his lot.

If anything, our original poster should consider psychiatric care. This kind of seething misery isn't often fixed by dickering around your professional life.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#219

Post by benhoyt »

plinkplonk wrote: post #55
sheats wrote: post #51

I don't post much on Hacker News but on this one I must. Happiness is not found in money, job, or having a successful startup. Men, on their deathbeds never wish they had worked more or made more money, but they do wish they had spent more time on what is really important: family and their children. You say you barely see your children. I suggest choosing a job or position that allows you to see your wife and childre…

"You ask "Where should I turn?". My answer: if what I have said rings true at all in your heart, turn to Jesus" May I suggest the Flying Sphagetti Monster instead? Just as valid as some "man in the sky" mythology, from a "turn to X" point of view. Please, take your religious preaching elsewhere and don't prey on someone's confusion/depression, at least on this forum. Thanks in advance.

plinkplonk, apart from your comment being flamewarish, you're not interacting with the content of the sheats' comment. If you think Jesus is invalid, then state why -- interacting with the comment, the gospels, etc.

lostsheep, I must say that with a username like that, you are kind of asking for religious answers. :-) See Isaiah 53:6-7, one of the passages the lost sheep "meme" comes from: http://biblegateway.decenturl.com/lost-sheep -- we are the lost sheep, Jesus is also like a sheep, but he was "led like a lamb to the slaughter" and our sin was laid on him.

This is completely the wrong reason to embrace Christianity (heh), but one of the benefits is community. If you go to an active church, you're suddenly surrounded by many people who care about you, and some of them are quite knowledgeable. You also have access to a (free!) counsellor or pastor -- I guess it varies, but our pastor is very helpful with questions like this.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#220

Post by hyperbovine »

jacquesm wrote: post #8

Every five or six years or so I purposefully turn my whole life upside-down, just to avoid the chances of getting stuck in a rut. It's not for everybody, it almost certainly will mess up your chances with 'striking it rich' because inevitably you'll be starting from 0 up again. I've been very lucky in always having the backing of those around me whenever I do this.

I assume you do not have a family...
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