HN Help: I'm lost

This sounds a lot like my situation. I think it is more common than people admit.

I can only tell you what I am doing. I told my wife how I feel. I told my boss how I feel. Strangely, my boss had a lot more power to improve my situation than my wife did. Admittedly, he is a good boss. I'm working from home about one day a week, and I've been able to control more of my projects.

But my wife is 20 weeks pregnant with unexpected twins. So I cannot change anything right now. I cannot pack up and take risks. I need to maintain my job no matter how bad it gets, as I need the insurance and the steady paycheck.

Internal acceptance of what you can and cannot control goes a long way to resolving inner turmoil. I spent a few months dealing with the fact that I must lower my expectations of my life. I'm not pleased about it, but that is the way it rolls.

Ultimately, the act that fixed it for me was when I sat down and laid out my priorities in life. My #1 priority is taking care of my family. I wish I saw my kids more, too. But they have a stable home. Seeing them more, but being without a home isn't a good compromise. So I accept the fact that I am stuck at a job that I don't like, working on technology that I do not like, and getting farther behind the curve on new technologies, so it is even harder to move elsewhere. But -- my kids are cared for. My wife is cared for.

I just had to accept that my self-identity needs to change into "Dad", not "technology expert who happens to have a family".

It is hard, yes, believe me, I know.

And if you can change it, I'll cheer you on.

But if you cannot change it, for your own sanity, embrace it.

Is a house and big savings really the stuff you want to have to show? I feel a bit like you, but what floors me is that I seem to have not fulfilled a single one of my childhood dreams. There never seemed to be the time. So I really, really try to focus on making at least some of these dreams real now. For example I always wanted to develop games. While I have created some mobile games and primitive browser games, there is none that I am proud of. So I'll focus on that - of course surviving economically is always a challenge :-/

Anyway, you probably have different dreams, but forget about the house and money. I know sometimes it can sting to see others who seemingly earned more in the same time, but in the end, it was never what I personally cared for. I would say having published books is something to show for, for example.

Also remember the law of sunk costs...

Besides of all the practical advice, there is also a philosophical aspect, isn't there? The meaning of life... It helps to think about death, and what will really matter in the end. Granted, children might be happier about inheriting a large lump of money than having a cool dad with interesting war stories. I don't know - but I personally find the thought very depressing that building a house and raising a family should be the completion of life. Nothing against raising a family, I just don't know yet what to tell my kids: I don't want to tell them "build a house and raise family and your life will be fulfilled" (infinite circle).

Hey sleepingbot, mail me your URL, I'll see if I can get you some more traffic if you want.

It seems something is forcing on you a change. You don't know yet what it is but if you'll take your time and the support from your family you'll realize soon.

Take a big breath nothing is lost better days are comming. Your curriculum shows you are capable to do things good now you'll have to find the new reason for your life to guide your doings

One thing is very important: stay clean, let the new goal arise from inside, from your heart not your mind. People like us reach imbalance in the favour of the brain now the heart is aiming for a little attention to become equal with your realist part. And then the equilibrum will bring the peace

lostsheep, thanks for talking to us out here. All of us go through this form of crisis.

My personal experience is the converse: that I start by being unhappy, then I find reasons for them. I suspect it's happening to you too. You think you'd be happier if you saw your children more, but reality can be rather different and surprising. Until you work out your unhappiness, better not to be surrounded by people you genuinely care about. Unhappiness can be rather contagious.

I'm over in Australia, and I can't tell you much about finances, but you need to work out how to own your own home. Once you are secure that way, you'd be able to go out on your own.

You are probably the best judge of whether the time is right to strike out on your own, and whether you have the necessary skills.

In the meantime, here is a mind hack: if you are being hit by depression - make sure you smile at yourself in the mirror several minutes a day (See the guy who wrote the Shangri-La diet). Also, exercise those facial muscles and wear a smile. It will do your mental state a whole lot of good. I wish I could point you to the study. There were some police people who were practising snarls and other microexpressions in order to learn to predict aggression - but they noticed that simply practising those facial expressions made them aggressive. So the converse has to be true too. Smile. For your own wellbeing.