Fatal silence: Why do so many fortysomething men kill themselves?

It's easy to finish school, go study something, then get a job, get a better job, start a family, have kids and pay for the bills because you don't really have to think much about what do you want from your life. Where did you come from? Why are you here? What are you to do here? What's your call in life? But the crisis that happens roughly at midlife brings those questions to the surface: "Is this all to it? What is going on and where am I in it?"

Men are not necessarily as socially integrated as women. Going through the big questions alone is something a lot of people simply don't survive. They are likely to lose their momentum in life, often get depressed, and at the extreme end some even kill themselves because too many old things turn out to be meaningless. Some become workaholics or develop a way to escape the emptiness and recreate purpose artificially. But a lot of men just lose the momentum, or a significant part of it. In contrast, more women talk to other women or therapists or relatives about what they're going through. In the average, it looks like that women seem to get energized in midlife whereas men seem to lose power.

It then depends on the man himself whether he's the kind who will eventually emerge and see his vision for life more clearly than before or who will lose his sight for life more or less permanently. Social circles with positive examples of what men can, at the best, grow into in their 40's and 50's could make a big difference but there aren't many of those these days.

By your 40s it is really hitting home if you have missed the boat. You're running out of time to turn it around, and those rutted-in habits are tough to break. You begin to realise how bad some past decision were.

Getting through this for most people is tough. Throw in some relationship trouble, career trouble, drug or alcohol troubles and it is a toxic brew.

I think it's why learning to fail is vitally important for everyone, and the current 'everyone's a winner' childhood treatment is a time bomb. People push self esteem by vacuously pumping themselves up with positive affirmations. But true self esteem is gained through competence. While a child might suspend reality enough to believe their crap artwork is just as good as the talented kid at the other desk, by the time you are forty you can't kid yourself any longer.

Lots of women develop goals of having a family, a decent husband and stability in their life. Not all, obviously, but it is a common enough set of goals. Lots of women achieve these goals and gain a state of relative happiness.

Lots of men develop goals of things like sporting prowess, business success and material wealth. These things are much less common to achieve than a decent family life.

I think underlying it all is the fact that men are also generally more capable of violent acts, probably including towards themselves.