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Ask HN: What is wrong with me?

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Re: Ask HN: What is wrong with me?

#41

Post by bonn1 »

There could be many reasons why people avoid you. I don't know you and it would be hard to find the real reason here but I give you this one advice:

Don't go out and look for friends—never do this.

The problem is that people will smell it from the first moment you are around them. They will know when they see you looking at them, how you approach them and how you talk and how long you talk with them. You signal—it's basically written on your forehead: 'I need friends. I want friends. I am lonely, I am needy and full of despair, please f*ing talk to me.' And this neediness makes you as a person very unattractive. It's not your looks.

I went through a similar stage for a long time but could get out, now I have again tons of friends, a lovely girl-friend and life is good. Let me know if you need more advice.

Re: Ask HN: What is wrong with me?

#42

Post by eps »

Who knows?

Perhaps appearance issues - from being overweight to having sweat stains to not smelling nice to having too long fingernails. Perhaps interaction issues - not making any eye contact, making too much of it, taking down to people, sucking up to them, etc. Perhaps personality issues - odd sense of humor, lack of overall confidence, over-confidence, pushy / boring / quirky personality, etc. It can be anything or a combination of thereof :-|

# That all said, I'd say the first impression you make and the overall confidence are the two most important things to pay attention to if you are looking to change things.

Re: Ask HN: What is wrong with me?

#43

Post by amgin3 »

awjr wrote: post #17

What you've written above comes across as the nightmare requirements spec from a client. You're being too vague. You need to deconstruct yourself and your life. Your personality, your habits, where you live and how you live. What you want out of life. Consider NLP, consider getting involved in things that you find uncomfortable (e.g. amateur dramatics). Join meetup.com and locate groups in your area doing stuff and p…

>It's time you circumvented the world by train and boat.

I think the word you are looking for is circumnavigate. lol.

Re: Ask HN: What is wrong with me?

#44

Post by smcl »

sandmanxc wrote: post #26
weavie wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

On the subject of manliness, get to the gym. Lift some heavy weights. It will do wonders for your testosterone levels which will in turn boost your confidence and esteem. As a bonus you will also look better and feel better.

This is true, if you can get over the fact that results will come very slowly, and that, in the gyms I've visited at least, most of the people there are already ripped and can make you feel somewhat inadequate.

The upside to the "most people are already ripped" is that even though you may feel inadequate those guys are pretty non-judgemental about you/others. Everyone started somewhere and my experience is that the gym is pretty judgement-free.

I've been going to the gym for the last year or so and it's helped me through a few tough times. I like the simplicity of it, even though everything else in my life might be chaotic I can spend a couple of hours at the gym forgetting about it, making myself feel better and getting healthier in the process.

Re: Ask HN: What is wrong with me?

#45

Post by scrollaway »

vdaniuk wrote: post #27

Disregard all definitive answers in this thread. You have provided so little information, it is impossible to answer your question with any reasonable degree accuracy. The best way for you to receive an answer that is close to reality is to visit several psychotherapists and talk to professionals qualified to talk about your personal issues while maintaining your privacy. It would be also beneficial to learn more abo…

> Disregard all definitive answers in this thread

> The best way for you

Well done...

Not that it's bad advice, but still.

Re: Ask HN: What is wrong with me?

#46

Post by amgin3 »

You are not alone. I am 30 and have experienced the same thing my entire life. Several years ago I questioned it too and was told that it was MY fault for not initiating conversations with people all the time, even though nobody ever has put the effort into initiating a conversation with me, I always just get ignored, somehow I have to put in all the effort and everyone else gets a free pass. But even when I put in a lot of effort nobody gives a shit and eventually flakes out because we haven't been friends since kindergarten like the rest of their friends have been. Well, I finally had enough of this bullshit life and flakey bullshit people; I got rid of all my belongings and moved to South East Asia.

Re: Ask HN: What is wrong with me?

#47

Post by bonn1 »

watt wrote: post #9

This is in fact normal and nothing is wrong. If you are throwing a party and invite 100 guests, only 10 will show up. 9 out of 10 will flake out. This is normal and that's how people work. People don't initiate conversations. It's very rare to meet somebody who will initiate conversation, and keep it going. If you want to have good time, that's on you (to keep finding topics and jumping from theme to theme, have a li…

> If you are throwing a party and invite 100 guests, only 10 will show up. 9 out of 10 will flake out. This is normal and that's how people work.

I made different experiences.

If you prepare a party well, invite key people first, look that enough females are invited, make good invitations and tell that key people come, send out reminder short before, then I have this funnel:

- 100 invited

- 50-60 show up

- They bring people along and I end again on almost 100 (once it went to +200)

Again the preparation is the key and should be a pedantic plan of everything. Guest, location, drinks, etc. should be perfect. As an example, a good location should be always a bit too small, many people make the mistake getting huge locations for few people and then wondering why the party is so empty. if you expect only 20 people then get a tiny venue (rule of thumb: 2 guest/sqm)

Re: Ask HN: What is wrong with me?

#48

Post by Cthulhu_ »

sandmanxc wrote: post #26
weavie wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

On the subject of manliness, get to the gym. Lift some heavy weights. It will do wonders for your testosterone levels which will in turn boost your confidence and esteem. As a bonus you will also look better and feel better.

This is true, if you can get over the fact that results will come very slowly, and that, in the gyms I've visited at least, most of the people there are already ripped and can make you feel somewhat inadequate.

True, going to the gym should be a permanent lifestyle change that should be kept for at least a couple of years. As for the ripped people, they all started off somewhere too. Nobody gets to look fit for free.

Re: Ask HN: What is wrong with me?

#49

Post by yoanizer »

crististm wrote: post #20
yoanizer wrote: post #13

Don't worry about what others might think of you. But do worry about what you think about yourself. Aside from the facts that you mentioned what do you think about yourself right now? Are you happy with your body? are you happy with your career? are you happy with your hobbies? Do you eat well? Do you exercise regularly? Do you take care of yourself well? ... Bottom line: Be someone YOU respect and like. The rest wil…

I agree; but don't sweat on it too much. If you constantly question yourself if you're doing the right thing, then you're not. (Oh - there's nothing wrong with you. Really)

Yeah I know. I'm weird like that.

I'm constantly looking for things I can improve, and running out of free time to do that.

I don't find it makes me insecure in social situations though.

Re: Ask HN: What is wrong with me?

#50

Post by b6 »

sandmanxc wrote: post #26
weavie wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

On the subject of manliness, get to the gym. Lift some heavy weights. It will do wonders for your testosterone levels which will in turn boost your confidence and esteem. As a bonus you will also look better and feel better.

This is true, if you can get over the fact that results will come very slowly, and that, in the gyms I've visited at least, most of the people there are already ripped and can make you feel somewhat inadequate.

I felt a little uncomfortable my first few times in the gym until I realized that the really serious people saw me the same way I tend to see programming interns -- not looking down at all, just cognizant that they are further down a certain road. They've been helpful and encouraging to me, just like I try to be when the subject is programming. Really, it's much scarier to think about not going to the gym, than going.
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