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Stop Complaining in February

complaintrestraint.com

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Re: Stop Complaining in February

#61

Post by falcolas »

jdreaver wrote: post #19

I see a lot of people taking interest in this idea. For a more nuanced and holistic approach to "not worrying about things you cannot change," I would check out Stoicism: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stoicism The best intro book, in my opinion, is William B Irvine's "A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy". The main problem I find with simply "Stop Complaining," is how do you do it? What should you an…

I dug into this for personal reasons some time back, and the thing that stuck with me to this day was the act of consciously looking at the aggregations in my life and trying to identify their cause. It made me consciously empathetic to others, and helped me identify the things I could actually change in my life.

Re: Stop Complaining in February

#62

Post by makmanalp »

Kenji wrote: post #34
jdreaver wrote: post #19

I see a lot of people taking interest in this idea. For a more nuanced and holistic approach to "not worrying about things you cannot change," I would check out Stoicism: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stoicism The best intro book, in my opinion, is William B Irvine's "A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy". The main problem I find with simply "Stop Complaining," is how do you do it? What should you an…

For people interested in Stoicism, I can recommend the book Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. There are a couple of very accessible English translations (the original text must be in Latin). The book is basically a collection of many thoughts that are roughly one sentence to a page long and self-contained. So you can read it any way you like, in any order. There are some really inspiring thoughts in the book, though so…

I'm actually going through this book right now, and I like it a lot. Sometimes you need to dig a bit deeper and cross-confirm with examples from your life to get something meaningful out of it. I can't agree with everything the stoics thought, especially Marcus Aurelius was sometimes contradictory in his own beliefs, and also with the actual stoics - sometimes he leaned epicurean. In any case though, it's difficult to not agree with his very sound observations of humans and human nature that continues to be valid today.

I also picked this book up once before, the project gutenberg version, and I stopped reading after a chapter, because the language was kind of impenetrable and I found myself spending more time decoding what was being conveyed than actually thinking. Then I found the Hays translation (with the red raven on the cover), and I love it now. He prefers clean prose over conveying the original verbiage, which can be convoluted. Of course, there is a certain amount of interpretation in the hands of the translator that comes with that, but I don't think it's enough of a big deal in this case. If you really think this impacts the meaning, you can reread passages in another edition simultaneously. I recommend it, it's not as expensive, and it's a dollar if you get it used.

Re: Stop Complaining in February

#65

Post by peterwwillis »

Aoyagi wrote: post #40
peterwwillis wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Here's some guidelines to know if you should complain: - If you heard someone else complaining about this, would it make you feel good? - Will anyone else care? - Does this need to be said? By me? Right now? - Is this complaint creating positive change? - Can I rephrase my complaint to address the issue positively? Ideally, none of the things you listed should be complained about. Just stating your annoyance at a sit…

Based on those guidelines, people wouldn't complain at all except few cases of complaining directly to the source of the subject at hand. It feels to me like something between promoting apathy and this: http://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck

Most of the examples of complaints I can think of are situations we want to change but don't know how to, or don't want to face, or can't. So complaining becomes a really useless negative activity; in many ways it's counter-productive.

I've become an opponent of the phrase and mentality of "not giving a fuck". I would rather give a fuck, in a kind, compassionate way.

And yes, I think most people shouldn't complain, but if there is a complaint, it should definitely be to the source of the subject. Complaining to others is avoidance behavior. "Venting" can be useful sometimes, but without analyzing what the problem is, why it made you upset and how you can address it positively, it's useless.

And i'm definitely not promoting apathy. I'm promoting addressing and resolving conflict. Complaints tend to not be compassionate, caring or empathetic. We should be more of all of that.

Re: Stop Complaining in February

#66

Post by peterwwillis »

Delmania wrote: post #18
Tharkun wrote: post #12

What a load of crock. Venting about things I can't change keeps me sane. Screaming at the raging ocean.

The funny thing about venting is that it doesn't work; in fact, research indicates that it makes you more aggressive over time. The pseudo psychologist in me suspects that by venting, you're reliving the event, and reviving those emotions, but in such a manner that you're forcing yourself down the rabbit hole, since when you vent, it's from your perspective. When it comes to things you can't change, you simply have t…

I agree that venting is probably about re-enacting the event, but with a particular purpose: to change the past. By addressing your complaints to an invisible mute adversary, you get to tell off the subject of your ire and feel confident that they can't fight back, and validate your own feelings.

The closest thing I could relate it to is domestic violence. When a man comes home from a frustrating day of work and beats his wife and kids, he's not just fulfilling a sadistic desire. He's projecting his work troubles on his family, and by assaulting them, righting the perceived wrongs he suffered. Venting is, imho, a version of this, but without the intent to harm.

Re: Stop Complaining in February

#67

Post by Delmania »

peterwwillis wrote: post #66
Delmania wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The funny thing about venting is that it doesn't work; in fact, research indicates that it makes you more aggressive over time. The pseudo psychologist in me suspects that by venting, you're reliving the event, and reviving those emotions, but in such a manner that you're forcing yourself down the rabbit hole, since when you vent, it's from your perspective. When it comes to things you can't change, you simply have t…

I agree that venting is probably about re-enacting the event, but with a particular purpose: to change the past. By addressing your complaints to an invisible mute adversary, you get to tell off the subject of your ire and feel confident that they can't fight back, and validate your own feelings. The closest thing I could relate it to is domestic violence. When a man comes home from a frustrating day of work and beat…

Yes, I think I can agree with the idea the goal is to change the past. However, this just further leads you down the rabbit hole, since now in addition to being angry about the event, you're also angry about your inability to change it.
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