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From hacker to hospice in seven weeks

benjamincburns.com

171–180 of 234 posts

Re: From hacker to hospice in seven weeks

#171
post #41

I am so sorry to hear this and also so glad you posted it here, Ben. Thank you. We all get so busy in our daily details, it's nice to be reminded what's really important. Just some quick, well intentioned feedback from someone who has lost almost every important loved one... Please don't be angry. That may seem like a natural response, but it is wasted output, serving as input into no productive process. Life is not…

> Please don't be angry. That may seem like a natural response, but it is wasted output, serving as input into no productive process.

No - be angry if that's what you are right now. Be sad, or envious, or bitter. Just try and move past them - don't linger and wallow in them.

I don't care about your tacky, techie-ish analogies. Sometimes you have to allow yourself to feel those 'bad' feelings in order to move past them. And it has nothing to do with productivity.

Re: From hacker to hospice in seven weeks

#172

As many HN readers don't have children, they may be inclined to see Nicola's pregnancy as a tragedy of some kind. Truly it is sad that this child will live without its father, but it's also a gift to the world -- a bit of Steven, living on. It will be a continuing gift to Steven's loved ones to have a permanent, living piece of Steven, a continuance of himself after he slips into the eons. When you get that kind of g…

As weird as this might sound, having children has given me a significant sense of relief for similar reasons to those outlined in your comment, even though I'm far from a natural parent (but I'm working at it!) Being a bit of a paranoid and morbid guy at the best of times, reproducing seemed inherently and intrinsically important to me in some hard to quantify way, and I feel so much mentally better for having descen…

> As weird as this might sound,

Not necessarily weird - you sound just as self-obsessed as the rest of us.

Re: From hacker to hospice in seven weeks

#173
post #72

> Aside from the anger, there’s another feeling I just can’t shake. I’m not sure it has a name... It’s impossible for me to be a witness to this situation and not think “what if it were me?” Um, you're not the first person to contemplate your own mortality. The usual term for it is memento mori , and has been a major component of culture and art for thousands of years: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memento_mori

Right now, it's more of a relieving thought really. In the sense that - no matter how much I screw up, none of it will matter when I'm dead.

Re: From hacker to hospice in seven weeks

#174

I don't have a brain tumour, but I have had, and am still having, an experience which has made me think seriously about my mortality. I'm 31. About three years ago I started having three/four day long bouts of total delirium, roasting fever, extreme nausea, can't even keep sips of water down when it happens - by day three or four, I'm usually too weak to move, totally dehydrated. Two years on, my GP is still going "c…

Just want to say I've been here too. I also had supposed gallbladder failings. Bouts of painful nausea so strong I couldn't begin to describe. Vomiting for days on end, even water un-drinkable. Nearly every episode ended in tears, screaming, non-stop dry-heaving, brain-stopping trips to the ER, where only Dilauded would calm me enough to sleep and somehow "reset".

After 25+ of these episodes (which would last typically 2 weeks, building towards the end), 7+ doctors, so many scans and tests I can't describe, long periods of missed work and play, and abuse of drugs that helped (thankfully none really did much, even weed in copious amounts barely helped so I never used it much). I'd get so sick from eating I was prescribed Xanax for the massive panic attacks I'd get just looking or thinking of food, because my fear of pain was so strong.

I had my gallbladder removed by the 5th doctor. I thought it worked. I stuck to a very clean low-acid diet after that, avoided tough food (I had developed a hiatal hernia from the vomiting), and took PPI's religiously and was fine for 8 months. I thought I was cured. I stopped the PPI's and within a month I was back at the ER. Pretty devastating. Now, I can control it. I cycle on PPI's, avoid all smoking and alcohol, as well as eating hot/spicy/acidic food too often. I've been 4 months now without an attack on this regimin and I feel pretty confident.

The worst part they never mention with undiagnosed illnesses of things are the mental side-effects. I was pretty much ostracized by large groups of people who certainly believed I was either looking for attention or avoiding admitting I had an eating disorder. I even had a doctor at the ER once tell my mom that's what she thought. My parent's even began to doubt I was actually ill. Finally, after months, I even doubted myself. The pain was real, but perhaps I was inflicting it on myself somehow? (crazy for me to think back on my mental state at this point). I felt too weird to even hang out with old friends, it's not masculine to not be able to eat. Paranoias and fears grew with each sickness and month of uncertainty. By the ended I was certainly clinically depressed. I felt my entire persona had melted away, I was empty. I didn't even know how to talk to my mom on the phone, I knew she would immediately recognize something wrong with me. I lost confidence, happiness.

Luckily that all returns if you can maintain health. Just four months ago I had reached my low; malnourished, weak, paranoid, afraid, tired, forgetful, slow. So scared of more pain, because at this point I felt I was running low on "reasons to live".

But, within a month of eating well my energy and happiness were back, with two more months I found myself feeling like "me" again, something I hadn't felt since those last 8 months of health, and before that since years before. And the difference was just small changes to diet, and avoiding many social situations that make that pretty much unavoidable.

I don't know what the moral of the story is. I feel like I did everything I could and struck out, and it's pure luck that I'm still here today. But I guess I'm thankful. I still am dubious on whether life is "worth it", and I couldn't imagine bringing kids into a world where the sort of suffering I went through is even remotely possible. But perhaps it did help me grow up and gain perspective on what matters.

Keep searching for solutions, keep experimenting, don't be afraid to ask for help and tell doctors to fuck off.

Re: From hacker to hospice in seven weeks

#175
post #159

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Exactly how I felt! I'm 31 now myself. I'm really hoping my experience is like yours, because I'm still not 100% myself again. Currently 2.5 weeks in. I can't even imagine what my levels were prior to taking the 500% RDV supplement I was on before having my blood checked. But at All doctors will only prescribe D2 (ergocalciferol); so you really need to go and get D3 (cholecalciferol). Your body naturally produces D3,…

Out of curiosity, why do doctors only prescribe D2? It sounds from your description like there's essentially no reason they shouldn't be prescribing D3, and yet apparently none do.

A doctor did advise me to take D3, though she's an unusual one, far more helpful than my official insurance-provided doctor. I don't know what the official one would've prescribed, because none of them even considered testing for it.

Re: From hacker to hospice in seven weeks

#176

I don't have a brain tumour, but I have had, and am still having, an experience which has made me think seriously about my mortality. I'm 31. About three years ago I started having three/four day long bouts of total delirium, roasting fever, extreme nausea, can't even keep sips of water down when it happens - by day three or four, I'm usually too weak to move, totally dehydrated. Two years on, my GP is still going "c…

> and I'm having surgery at some point hopefully soon

I have to ask why you're not having emergency surgery if this is such a serious issue?

I went into an ER (American) in 2009 because of severe stomach pains. Within 12 hours I was on the table, and the surgeon said I had the worst gall bladder he's ever seen that wasn't removed in pieces (I was 23 at the time).

Re: From hacker to hospice in seven weeks

#177

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not a direct response to what you said, but since this is a common discussion on HN, I just want to get some facts straight pre-emptively: 1) The AMA has nothing to do with limiting the supply of doctors in the US 2) The AAMC (not the AMA) formerly limited the number of medical students per-year in the US, but they stopped this practice sometime around 2004 with the stated goal of increasing the number of medical sch…

So how about a residency system that doesn't depend on medicare government funding? Or accepting foreign residency programs? I wouldn't think canadian, scandianvian, british, german, australlian, etc residencies and doctors should be considered invalid for example. From what I know, even being a Sweden trained doctor makes it hard to transfer into the USA and get a licence. Residents from what I know are not well pai…

I've heard of residents being paid as little as $25-30k/yr.

The issue is largely that you have an attending physician making a great deal of money (compared to the median US, not necessarily for a doctor) who spends the majority of his or her time teaching, watching, and fixing what the resident does.

You can easily have a hospital/government (not sure what the funding split is) spending $500k/yr for $100k/yr in productivity.

Re: From hacker to hospice in seven weeks

#178

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I hope I don't derail by telling everyone: if you have someone who depends on you, get life insurance.

Good comment. For people in their mid-30s and young kids, I assume term life is a good option?

Term life is almost (almost!) always the best option if your goal is actual life insurance as opposed to investment, asset protection, or something other than you having a heart attack or getting hit by a bus.

Whole life is rarely a good investment choice unless you have considerable assets, but HN has a much higher income than the median so there are likely folks here for which is makes very good financial sense.

But yes, if you have kids both parents absolutely should have term life insurance no matter what. It's very cheap, incredibly cheap if you are not a smoker and have no health issues.

Re: From hacker to hospice in seven weeks

#179

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've been to my GP three times before I realized I've never even met him. I've been seeing a nurse practitioner.

My GP is a Certified Nurse Practitioner and I'm ok with that because she actually talks to me about my life and what is going on to try and get the whole picture.

Isn't it strange that there is still no career path from nurse to doctor? Medicine is still a closed shop.

Re: From hacker to hospice in seven weeks

#180

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Is there some reason that hospitals can't fund the programs themselves? Or do they just choose not to? More usefully, what could be done to get hospitals to fund the programs? Some hospital systems have billions of net income, they can clearly afford to fund at least a few residencies.

> Some hospital systems have billions of net income, they can clearly afford to fund at least a few residencies. What incentive, economic or otherwise, exists that would cause them to do that?

Yes, that was the question I was asking in the previous sentence.

I wouldn't be surprised if hospitals were able to benefit from cheaper doctors though.

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