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I don't like you very much

whattofix.com

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Re: I don't like you very much

#11

Post by Quarrelsome »

cousin_it wrote: post #10

I want to know, but do not know, what other people think of me; which of my traits matter to them and which don't; what determines their reactions to my words and deeds; and how a person can learn such things in general ("just asking" obviously doesn't work). For looks we have sites like hotornot with anonymous reviews and ratings, but what to do about personality?

This question keeps me up some nights wondering where I have been a git in my recent history. I tend to heavily err on the side of caution and then apologise ASAP to people if I think I might have used the wrong words in a scenario (been mis-interpreted), have made a mistake or potentially some other social faux pas.

In most cases they laugh it off and say it was nothing but maybe in some cases it does help, I dunno.

Re: I don't like you very much

#12

Post by jacquesm »

Confusion wrote: post #8

As I've said over there, but will repeat here: I don't understand how someone declining a request to write a recommendation gets you to assume he dislikes you. He just doesn't want to recommend you. I know plenty of people that I like and work with, but that I wouldn't want to write a recommendation for. This is largely because I do not believe in lauding someone's good sides without also addressing their shortcoming…

I've done it for two ex employees that were really very good. I would do it for most of the others with a couple of exceptions, and I doubt those would ask me for a recommendation anyway.

One of the guys I wrote a recommendation for wanted to interview at google, the other at vmware. The vmware guy got the job, the other didn't.

Whether my recommendations were the deciding factor or not I'll never know, but I did do just what you would do, I addressed their good sides and their shortcomings both, which I think is only fair.

But it still was a recommendation, from the heart, I'd hire both of these guys myself in a heartbeat if the situation would allow it, which is my criterion for whether or not I would write one.

Re: I don't like you very much

#13

Post by gdp »

Tichy wrote: post #5
gdp wrote: post #2

Wow. I don't know if it's just a literary device being employed here, but this article comes off as the work of somebody with a lack of empathy. Through the description of the actions of each of the people with whom he disagrees, I immediately found myself sympathising with the "other side". I mean, there are the usual dailywtf-style "this guy is really dumb/awful to work with/whatever" stories, and we all get a bit…

Just curious, did you mirror this comment on whattofix, or is it some feature of that blog to include HN comments?

I didn't do anything except post here, so I assume it's a feature of that blog.

Re: I don't like you very much

#14

Post by [deleted] »

jpcx01 wrote: post #4

Seems boneheaded for someone to even respond to an invite like that. If you don't like someone much, and they invite you to connect with them or something, just ignore the request. Simple and easy. I would never see the gain of explicitly telling someone "no".

[deleted]

Re: I don't like you very much

#15

Post by gdp »

cousin_it wrote: post #10

I want to know, but do not know, what other people think of me; which of my traits matter to them and which don't; what determines their reactions to my words and deeds; and how a person can learn such things in general ("just asking" obviously doesn't work). For looks we have sites like hotornot with anonymous reviews and ratings, but what to do about personality?

I think it's actually relatively easy to figure out what people think about you. If you do something, and a number of people react, you can generally start to draw a "trend line" through the behaviours of different people towards you over the course of some amount of time.

I think it's just important to pay attention.

Re: I don't like you very much

#16

Post by gdp »

DanielBMarkham wrote: post #3
gdp wrote: post #2

Wow. I don't know if it's just a literary device being employed here, but this article comes off as the work of somebody with a lack of empathy. Through the description of the actions of each of the people with whom he disagrees, I immediately found myself sympathising with the "other side". I mean, there are the usual dailywtf-style "this guy is really dumb/awful to work with/whatever" stories, and we all get a bit…

As the author, I've done a poor job of communicating. For that, I apologize. Nobody is at fault here. Let me be perfectly clear about this. The question is what types of lessons to learn from interactions with other people. You're never, ever going to learn the exact motives of everybody you interact with. In each of these cases, multiple attempts were made to understand and communicate motives, paradigms, and worldv…

OK, perhaps I didn't phrase my objection very well.

> The purpose is to review various people that didn't like me and explore why.

I guess my problem with the article was that the tone implied that most of these people weren't justified in not liking you, or that it was some natural effect of a bad situation, rather than something caused by your own actions.

Re: I don't like you very much

#17

Post by gdp »

sirrocco wrote: post #7
jpcx01 wrote: post #4

Seems boneheaded for someone to even respond to an invite like that. If you don't like someone much, and they invite you to connect with them or something, just ignore the request. Simple and easy. I would never see the gain of explicitly telling someone "no".

Well, if you're not answering I'm sending the invite again. And if still nothing I'm calling you :). Anyhow, I think it's polite to answer to a request - even if it is - "dude , I never did like you, sorry"

Somebody who repeatedly sends invites and then calls is not going to get a recommendation from me. If you are actually worthy of recommendation, people will probably do them with very little encouragement.

Hounding people for recommendations will either lead to refusal (which will inspire you to write a blog post about people who don't like you), or people will write you a mildly insincere recommendation to avoid causing offence. At that point, you should be grateful that your acquaintance has considerably more social graces than you do.

Re: I don't like you very much

#18

Post by mhb »

ahoyhere wrote: post #6

Overly wordy and self-indulgent, and for all the navel-gazing, doesn't come to a satisfying conclusion. It's hard to say that communication problems are "a little bit of me, and a little bit of them" if you go and say things like "Wow, you're a tall fucker!" to new clients when you meet them. Y'know? I can see how that might lead to a long dark night of the soul, but who wants to read about it -- when it's written so…

but who wants to read about it

And why here?

Re: I don't like you very much

#19

Post by CGamesPlay »

This is an interesting article. I find myself disagreeing with the decisions of my coworkers and supervisors frequently, and I argue my position, we come to a conclusion, and that's the end. I don't take the fact that someone disagreed with me personally, but I am always nervous that other people will.

Re: I don't like you very much

#20

Post by desiderata »

It's ridiculous to expect a recommendation when you have "different opinions about software development" and actively shot the guy's plans down in meetings. If you don't do things the way the guy likes, why would he recommend you? "Here, hire this guy, he does things completely wrong from my point of view."
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