I don't like you very much
whattofix.com
I don't like you very much
1–10 of 49 posts
Re: I don't like you very much
#2Wow. I don't know if it's just a literary device being employed here, but this article comes off as the work of somebody with a lack of empathy.
Through the description of the actions of each of the people with whom he disagrees, I immediately found myself sympathising with the "other side". I mean, there are the usual dailywtf-style "this guy is really dumb/awful to work with/whatever" stories, and we all get a bit of a laugh out of them, but this just comes across as a situation where the author is unable to grasp why other people might behave towards him in these ways, or feel particular feelings towards him.
> I honestly don't know what interests me more, why Bob doesn't want to recommend me or why I thought Bob would recommend me when he won't. I think the second question has a lot more potential than the first!
Sure, the second question is more interesting, but I don't think this article goes any distance towards attempting to answer it.
People behave in particular ways for reasons that seem apparent to them. The tone of this article annoys me because it appears to suggest that people who behave according to motivations that are hidden from the author are somehow at fault.
I just think this is symptomatic of so many of my experiences within the IT industry - people always assume that their own motives are pure and good, and that everyone else is acting dishonestly (to screw the client, or to avoid doing work, or to advance their own career). I much prefer to assume that if I don't understand somebody's motivations, the burden is on me to try to understand, rather than just writing them off as bad/lazy/dishonest/whatever.
Re: I don't like you very much
#3Wow. I don't know if it's just a literary device being employed here, but this article comes off as the work of somebody with a lack of empathy. Through the description of the actions of each of the people with whom he disagrees, I immediately found myself sympathising with the "other side". I mean, there are the usual dailywtf-style "this guy is really dumb/awful to work with/whatever" stories, and we all get a bit…
As the author, I've done a poor job of communicating. For that, I apologize.
Nobody is at fault here. Let me be perfectly clear about this. The question is what types of lessons to learn from interactions with other people. You're never, ever going to learn the exact motives of everybody you interact with. In each of these cases, multiple attempts were made to understand and communicate motives, paradigms, and worldviews. These attempts failed.
In the first case, the conversation is unfinished. It's the preface to the article. In the second case, teams can't live in chaos. "Rusty" wasn't wrong, it's just we needed to communicate about things and were both unable to do it for various reasons. In the third case, "Jim" was just an amazing piece of work. If it was just me then that's one thing, but everybody had the same opinion of him. So I don't think it's anything I'm bringing to the table. I could tell you stories of several other people who had the same experience with Jim, but that's just beating up on Jim. From Jim's point of view, the rest of the world was wrong. Here he was, obviously with the answer to the problems we had, and we weren't reasonable enough to let him solve everything. (I know this because he said as much to me on a couple of occasions)
In the fourth case, I screwed up. I took liberties with my language and reaction that I hadn't earned yet. No amount of communication is going to fix an initial bad impression.
The purpose of this article isn't to slam other people or to say that people with hidden motives are somehow bad. If that's all you got out of it I really did a poor job. The purpose is to review various people that didn't like me and explore why.
You can monday-morning quarterback this thing to death -- I know, because I have. But at the end of the day, conditions are always imperfect, everybody is always acting the best way they know how, and still you end up not getting along with some people. That's just life.
Of course I'll never know the entire story -- and all you have is my side of things. But I don't blame these people, look down on them, or anything like that. Sometimes, as the article concludes, shit happens. It's impossible to get along with everybody you meet.
You can say "forget it, I'm not worrying about it" or you can obsess over it. The best thing to do, in my opinion, is try to find some kind of narrative to put over it that teaches you a valuable lesson. It's not a perfect solution, but it allows growth without demonizing others or putting yourself down. It's a certainty that the narrative is going to be incomplete and trivializing of certain things, but that's also unavoidable.
Re: I don't like you very much
#4Seems boneheaded for someone to even respond to an invite like that. If you don't like someone much, and they invite you to connect with them or something, just ignore the request. Simple and easy.
I would never see the gain of explicitly telling someone "no".
Re: I don't like you very much
#5Wow. I don't know if it's just a literary device being employed here, but this article comes off as the work of somebody with a lack of empathy. Through the description of the actions of each of the people with whom he disagrees, I immediately found myself sympathising with the "other side". I mean, there are the usual dailywtf-style "this guy is really dumb/awful to work with/whatever" stories, and we all get a bit…
Just curious, did you mirror this comment on whattofix, or is it some feature of that blog to include HN comments?
Re: I don't like you very much
#6Overly wordy and self-indulgent, and for all the navel-gazing, doesn't come to a satisfying conclusion.
It's hard to say that communication problems are "a little bit of me, and a little bit of them" if you go and say things like "Wow, you're a tall fucker!" to new clients when you meet them. Y'know?
I can see how that might lead to a long dark night of the soul, but who wants to read about it -- when it's written so hamfistedly?
Re: I don't like you very much
#7Seems boneheaded for someone to even respond to an invite like that. If you don't like someone much, and they invite you to connect with them or something, just ignore the request. Simple and easy. I would never see the gain of explicitly telling someone "no".
Well, if you're not answering I'm sending the invite again. And if still nothing I'm calling you :).
Anyhow, I think it's polite to answer to a request - even if it is - "dude , I never did like you, sorry"
Re: I don't like you very much
#8As I've said over there, but will repeat here:
I don't understand how someone declining a request to write a recommendation gets you to assume he dislikes you. He just doesn't want to recommend you.
I know plenty of people that I like and work with, but that I wouldn't want to write a recommendation for. This is largely because I do not believe in lauding someone's good sides without also addressing their shortcomings. The latter will not be looked kindly upon in a recommendation. In short: I can not honestly write a recommendation.
Re: I don't like you very much
#9...most people could care less about me one way or the other -- but some folks actively dislike me.
You never really know if you're pushing hard enough until you ruffle a few feathers along the way.
I'd rather have a few folks "actively dislike me" than worry if I compromised too many times over the years. I haven't and it sounds like you haven't either. I think we're both doing fine.
Once I started getting glowing reviews from the clueless, then I'd start to worry.
Re: I don't like you very much
#10I want to know, but do not know, what other people think of me; which of my traits matter to them and which don't; what determines their reactions to my words and deeds; and how a person can learn such things in general ("just asking" obviously doesn't work). For looks we have sites like hotornot with anonymous reviews and ratings, but what to do about personality?