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Suicidal Software Developer

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Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#151
post #131
post #119

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not all religion is about 'believing' in gods and spirits. They are often used metaphorically to convey deeper ideas, e.g. In Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism, and Sufism. The idea that all religion requires uncritical belief in gods and spirits is itself a false belief. What you stand to gain is to learn ideas about the experience of being human and the nature of the psyche. You do not have to start believing that mystica…

Whereas I do believe much can be learned about the human psyche from religion, and that having a strong understanding of why religion exists is important, I don't feel it is necessary to make a deep study of each religion's core beliefs. I do feel I have a strong grasp on the metaphors contained within religious practices. In my opinion religion exists for both good and evil. It helps certain humans who are unable to…

I like Terence McKenna's take on spirituality. It's a personal endeavor. All institutions infringe on freedom and autonomy.

The leaders of the institutions are the beneficiaries of controlling the "channel" to communing with Existence or "God".

Now that we have the internet & relative democratization of information, it is more obvious that we can easily live a spiritual life without institutions or having to follow a prescribed path. We can (and most benefit from) follow our own individual path, uncontrolled by others.

Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#152
On my way out the door, a handful of quick thoughts:

1. Most importantly, you're not a broken person. This is the sort of thinking about mental problems that has to stop. If somebody had the flu, you wouldn't refer to them as "broken". Being depressed, even suicidal, shouldn't be a factor in how employable you are. At the moment, you're not making full use of your talents, but that happens to everyone sometimes.

2. You've recently had some major disruption in your life, and it sounds like you don't have anyone to talk to about it. You refer to your girlfriend as your identity; that can make the end of the relationship especially brutal. This is why it's so important to have a sense of self, an identity all your own, before getting into a serious relationship.

3. Most people are not equipped to deal with someone who's depressed or suicidal, or even having an anxiety attack or any number of other mental illnesses. Don't let your experience with your ex-colleague make you give up on talking to people. Talk to people about it. Use your best judgement.

4. This is why therapists exist. They are trained to have conversations like this and to help you sort things out. However, finding a therapist is a lot like finding a romantic partner -- it can be discouraging and it can take a lot of work before you find someone that's compatible.

5. Depression (and other mental illnesses) and problems with sleep seem to be correlated. And, the middle of the night, when everything's quiet and your mind is racing and there's nobody to talk to is a bad time for people with depression. So, put some serious effort into getting good sleep for a while -- even if it means going to the market and picking up some over-the-counter sleep aids. Go to bed early, pass out, if at all possible sleep in without an alarm.

6. DO THINGS. Depression can spiral out of control when you're locked away in your home, or just making quick errand runs. I can't say whether or not you should quit your job. Maybe the job isn't what you should be doing right now; maybe it is exactly what you need to be doing right now. I dunno. But, you need to be going out and doing things. New things are great things to do. If you have some savings, now might be a good time to spend some of it. It's your rainy day fund, and it's raining right now. You're worth spending money on. Go somewhere you've wanted to go. Try something new. Get on meetup and float through some new groups. Re-connect with old friends or family you haven't talked to in a while. You never know when something that you experience might change the way you feel about yourself and the world around you.

7. Depression, in my completely unprofessional opinion, is primarily a fault with the way a person perceives themselves and the world around them. It's like a form of mental blindness: everything sucks, I suck, I'm a bad person, I'm worthless, the world would be better off without me, life is too hard, etc. These things are all wrong. If you can alter the way you see yourself and the way you see the world around you, your depression will improve. But it's hard to do that by sitting in front of your computer.

8. You sound young. I don't mean that to sound dismissive; rather, there's a lot more life ahead of you, and you'll be missing out on it. You've got at least another 10 years to meet someone great and raise that family you want; 10 years is a long time. (At least until you get to around 50 or so, then 10 years seems to go by pretty quick.) You have no idea who you might meet or what will happen in the next 10 years.

9. Don't worry too much about your reputation. For breaking news: just say, "I've been struggling with some pretty severe depression recently. I'm working on it." Really straightforward, matter-of-fact. Nothing to be ashamed of. Having frank conversations about it is a heck of a lot better than waking up dead one day.

Your post got a pile of comments. People you've never met before care enough to try to reach out to you. That's a good start. Go from there.

Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#153
When I was 15 I started having major mood shifts and quickly realized that I have a personality disorder (I'm manic and suffer from bouts of mania, thankfully hypomania). I've contemplated suicide before, while I never got into divying up percentages here are somethings I realized:

- It's ultimately illogical and selfish. I got into computers because I loved solving problems and I had a problem. The problem was that I couldn't solve my problem...at least not on my own, and not yet on my own.

- I've had no less than three panic episodes and emotional breakdowns where I would weep uncontrollably for hours. This is typically the culmination of an intense sadness, loneliness, and apathy.

I'm 34 years old and am still battling manic-depressiveness. Still waking up feeling like I got punched in the face, there are days I write shoddy code, and there are days where I do get feelings of suicide. But the reason why I never acted upon it is because there's always the light at the end of the tunnel...the issue isn't if there is a light, the question is when will the light come about. And yes, it does show...for me, it took a while but it came and it came beautifully.

For starters, I targeted behavior that I knew was self-destructive. I began practicing religion again (or whatever you're into), I began practicing martial arts - going to the gym was, like you said, a distraction. Martial arts is a community workout, everyone participates and you can't help but build friends. Since I'm a practicing Christian, I found a church and began meeting people there. In short, I looked at self-destructive tendencies and reversed it. Because of my introversion, I simply created borders and notified people that, sometimes, I like to be alone. However, I made sure to be around non-technology people (which gets me out of thinking about work) and I like to find people who are eccentric and outgoing (extroverts, especially).

Even small changes that I've implemented in my life have made huge impacts. I forced myself to be less shy, I would gladly pay for a friend's dinner if it meant not eating alone, and I got better at planning outings because I know that it's easy to slip into apathy and depression. So I surround myself with people, build trust, and create lasting friendships.

You honestly can't quit your job just now. First you need to build a support system before you do that. Believe me, there's hope, there's always hope.

Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#154
Please please find a therapist. Give it a try. If one doesn't feel good move on to the next. It took me 6 attempts when I was depress to find someone I felt good with.

PS The problems you have are not unique to you, life is tough at times. You will come out as a better person in the end

Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#155
post #142

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your story is in very many ways similar to mine (unfortunately, I'm still in the process of fixing my motivational problems). Care to get in touch via e-mail (mine is in the profile)? I'd love to know how you handled some of the religion-related issues.

Sure thing, I'll shoot you an email now.

Thanks!

Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#157

There are many possible causes for what you're going through, a lot of them already listed and needing immediate psychiatric and psychological treatment. This is good advice, especially to help with the mental aspect of things so that you don't end your life prematurely. But one thing no one mentioned, that i'm a bit surprised about because you mention falling asleep during work, waking up not feeling refreshed, etc.…

When I read about the falling asleep at work and waking up to a headache, I thought sleep apnea was a probable root of the problems. Lack of sleep does terrible things to a person.

Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#158
post #117

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's still learning about religion from people who want to remove religion. It's akin to trying to understand homosexuality by asking Bryan Fischer. It's fine to educate yourself on their viewpoints and even to agree with them, but don't pretend that you're learning anything about religion. You're learning about atheism. I'd recommend checking out Karen Armstrong, Joseph Campbell, or Stephen Prothero, off the top of…

Ah, I understand what you are saying. The problem is that, I truly don't believe in gods or spirits anymore. Without gods and spirits, what is the point of religion? I consider myself to be a secular humanist. How Religion Poisons Everything is "slanted" in a way to be sure, but I actually agree with the arguments presented in the book. What do I stand to gain from studying other religions closely?

An understanding of the planet's various cultures and particularly their art. The history of human self-expression is bound up with religion, for various interesting reasons.

Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#159

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Fuck you and your mediaeval misogynistic bullshit. The fact that you can't form healthy relationships with other human beings (man or woman), doesn't mean the rest of us don't or can't have healthly mutual relationships. Despite all of that, i'll grant part your point. Subsuming your identity entirely into someone else isn't healthy. Have your interests. Find a significant other who supports you in your interests and…

I have several healthy, happy, close relationships (both male and female). What line, taken in context of the rest of my post, was medieval, misogynistic or bullshit? edit: ceejayoz; you're absolutely right. I modified my post. I know several powerful lesbians who don't need a partner who has a robust identity. I would also like to apologize for the tacit, heteronormative abuse. I stand by post and its points.

I'm confused as to how your edit makes it better. The statement that heterosexual women need a partner is still plain wrong. Nothing to do with heteronormativity.

Women, of any sexuality, are capable of going without a partner. Men, of any sexuality, may find themselves dependent on a partner. Needing to have your own personal identity without becoming consumed by someone else's is not a gender-specific issue.

Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#160
With regards to the relationship, I've been in a similar place. I'd say it takes about five years to truly get over such a profound loss. It's really true that ending a deeply-felt romantic relationship is not much different from grieving a death. I've heard good things about the book, "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" ($7 on Amazon). Also, Zoloft worked wonders for me at a similar time in my life.

Also, get off /r/programming. It's the most emotionally unhealthy thing I can think of for a software developer. It's nothing but a self-aggrandizing, alpha-geek shitfest.

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