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Suicidal Software Developer

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Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#111
For a heterosexual man, a woman can't be your identity. Most heterosexual women need a partner with their own identity, one that she can merge with (she may temporarily settle for a partner who functions with her as their identity, but then she'll be unhappy, leave, cheat, or fantasize about cheating, or just be using the partner for other reasons). This is tough advice to swallow especially if your woman is your identity or you can't imagine a woman not being your identity, but it's something I've learned[1].

Find a good identity for yourself and create it. Make it something that you can get good at reasonably quickly so you become socially validated within it, because we are happy when our identity is socially validated (i.e., others recognize that we are what we think we are), or you will be facing an unreasonably miserable uphill battle. And "internal validation" is the product of repeated and varied social validation, and it does have a decay curve.

Example of a bad identity to make : "I am really good at soccer!" (if you are bad at soccer, it will take you 10 years before you feel validated and comfortable in your identity)

Example of a good identity to make : "I am a great programmer and a leader in the programming community!" This is easier for you to get better at and it's well within the realm of your control.. for example, you can develop expertise in a niche area, learn basic presentation skills, and start presenting at local meetups.. probably within 6 months of focused effort after work.

Traits for a good identity: reasonably quick learning curve to socially-valued competence. Even better if it is something that has future payouts. You can get a "bad boy" identity if you want to e.g. buy a motorcycle, get a neck tattoo, and physically street fight people who don't submit to your dominance, but it also bears very real cost. Those costs, btw, are why bad boys are attractive - it's a serious energy expenditure.

We are generally happy when our identity is socially validated. People with rarely-validated identities are quite susceptible to manipulation; simply by validating their identity... they will begin to crave you.

Your partner can't be your identity. Even if it's just because that makes it a single point of failure for your happiness.

[1] Email in profile if you want to discuss this issue specifically. I have an over developed sense of empathy here, but it's an extraordinarily private matter and helping others may bring me some closure.

Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#112
post #11

I had struggled with untreated suicidal depression for 15 years. I was very quiet about it. I am a web developer. Three years ago I was divorced from my wife, left my birth religion and quit my job. On top of all my issues I was suffering from burnout – I hadn't had a vacation in years. Since I was the religious guy at my job I worked the holidays and was promised make up time. Company policy shifted at some point an…

Just curious... instead of 6 month work, 3 months personal projects, have you tried 6 hours work, 2 hours personal projects, 2 hours gym and/or people interactions?

Yes, but my brain doesn't work that way. I believe I have some form of ADD. I can typically get about 6 hours of quality programming in per day and then I have to crash. My side projects fail miserably if I don't put all of my effort and concentration into them. These projects are usually involving some form of art and my process involves a great deal of silence. I'm an introvert and am much more comfortable alone or with one other person. I have a girlfriend now who is almost identical to me in these ways. I work on my projects for 12 hours and she draws. When I get a contract, she helps with the paper work and client relations.

Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#113
post #107

I also recommend therapy. However, this thought also helped me: we will die anyway, why hasten it? Compared to the aeons of being dead, what are couple of years in emotional pain? It's just a blink of an eye, really - not point in spending energy on making that time even shorter. I also wonder whether the only honest method for suicide (because of depression) would be to starve to death - prove to yourself that you r…

Dehydration would be quicker.

That would be acceptable as well. (Edit: let's say with a water bottle within reach).

Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#114
post #64

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Out of blatant curiosity I'd like to know how you came about leaving your birth religion. Any Jehovah's Witnesses I've met seem to be so ideologically committed to that religion that I have a hard time imagining how anyone could reach a place where they stopped identifying with it. Care to shed some light on this? Also, thanks for sharing!

Sometimes the problem is that you never identified with that religion (even if you were raised in it), leaving in that case is more of a relief. The transition to the 'real world' is not without bumps, but it in the long term it is the best way for some.

This is very true. I have since come to realize that I was constantly trying to skirt around certain beliefs and rules. I found myself rationalizing more often than I care to admit.

Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#117
post #94

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm an atheist.

It's still learning about religion from people who want to remove religion. It's akin to trying to understand homosexuality by asking Bryan Fischer. It's fine to educate yourself on their viewpoints and even to agree with them, but don't pretend that you're learning anything about religion. You're learning about atheism. I'd recommend checking out Karen Armstrong, Joseph Campbell, or Stephen Prothero, off the top of…

Ah, I understand what you are saying. The problem is that, I truly don't believe in gods or spirits anymore. Without gods and spirits, what is the point of religion? I consider myself to be a secular humanist.

How Religion Poisons Everything is "slanted" in a way to be sure, but I actually agree with the arguments presented in the book. What do I stand to gain from studying other religions closely?

Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#118
I've been there. Go get help now. And when the worst is over, you might have to make some different choices.

I struggled for longer than I thought, I believe that I only recently truly emerged from depression, long after I first considered myself healed.

Light, exercise, socialization and time to unwind are critical for me. I used to "work hard, party hard" and then crash. I learnt that I need * Regular exercise, preferably outside * Decent exposure to sunlight, a bright full-spectrum lamp in winter * The right amount of social interaction, not so much that it drains me, but enough that I do not feel lonely

And I learnt the hard way that a job which does not allow me to do the above on a regular basis (for example by requiring frequent and extended trips) is dangerous.

Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#119
post #117

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's still learning about religion from people who want to remove religion. It's akin to trying to understand homosexuality by asking Bryan Fischer. It's fine to educate yourself on their viewpoints and even to agree with them, but don't pretend that you're learning anything about religion. You're learning about atheism. I'd recommend checking out Karen Armstrong, Joseph Campbell, or Stephen Prothero, off the top of…

Ah, I understand what you are saying. The problem is that, I truly don't believe in gods or spirits anymore. Without gods and spirits, what is the point of religion? I consider myself to be a secular humanist. How Religion Poisons Everything is "slanted" in a way to be sure, but I actually agree with the arguments presented in the book. What do I stand to gain from studying other religions closely?

Not all religion is about 'believing' in gods and spirits. They are often used metaphorically to convey deeper ideas, e.g. In Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism, and Sufism.

The idea that all religion requires uncritical belief in gods and spirits is itself a false belief.

What you stand to gain is to learn ideas about the experience of being human and the nature of the psyche. You do not have to start believing that mystical beings are real in order to benefit from the metaphor.

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