Suicidal Software Developer

Even though it does not seem like it now the pain of your breakup will fade. Though you haven't gone into details try not to blame anyone for what happened. These words must sound hollow to you but give yourself the time and space to mourn the loss of what you had.

This "logical" way of thinking you speak about is interesting but have you considered that besides this cognitive machinery you have many other sorts of biological and neurological machinery in your brain/body. It's an interesting process trying to uncover what they are. Also, something to think about might be -- if you focus on the logical part of how you interact with the world you may neglect to appreciate other ways in which you are in the world.

And I hate to say this but in a sense suicide may be a very rational act for someone who is a lot of pain but when you think about it we rarely ever tell people who are close to us that we feel suicidal. Why is this? And then there's the negative traumatic impact of finding what is left of you and dealing with the sudden trauma of you not being there, especially for a parent. Are you sure your pain is greater than that? I completely understand if suicide seems like the only viable option right now but speaking as someone who has been there I can only say give yourself some time and space and don't do anything rash.

Hey there, if you're listening! I actually dealt with something similar almost a decade ago. I never considered suicide, but during a snowy winter where I also experienced financial pressure and a lot of family strain and changes, I very slowly slipped into a sort of "fog."

I also became very sensitive, both to how people interacted with me, but even to physical things. I remember bumping my shoulder into a door one time and screaming, "OW!" It couldn't have really hurt - my shoulder is plenty strong - I think I just wanted attention. It was a natural overreaction. I would get upset about things that, in retrospect, shouldn't have really bothered me.

I also tended to wake up at 4am, filled with anxiety. I would tell myself to work, but really I would just waste time until morning came. You can't really be productive or focused at 4am.

I never felt sad or happy. I just felt nothing much at all. I was completely unaware of this at the time, of course. Other people around me were very aware of it.

My mood really disabled me, which only made things worse.

I was hesitant and too embarrassed to seek medical help, so instead I privately got a hold of some over the counter treatments: specifically 5-HTP supplements and St. John's Wort, if I recall. Although in retrospect I'm positive it was placebo effect, the instant I took these pills, I felt the fog lift over me. I physically felt something happened to me. I'll never forget it.

Really I think I just felt the relief of turning a corner, of taking some kind of action. I'm a naturally positive person who has childhood experience helping myself out of things, so maybe I was built better to deal with it. In that case, despite my success, I absolutely encourage you to seek medical help. It's no big deal. Don't sweat it. Just take a small step.

Life is short and it is amazing. Not "iPhone amazing" - but truly, absolutely amazing. It's a gift and we have a responsibility to put good things back into the world in return. You never know what good things are around the corner - but even more importantly, you can ACT to influence your life and what happens in it. Don't stress about any one thing, and make sure you are treating others well (by taking care of yourself).

Take care of yourself. You deserve to feel better.

Why?