Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

The 33-year-old virgin: Life without sex is only torturous if you let it be

salon.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

21–30 of 69 posts

Re: The 33-year-old virgin: Life without sex is only torturous if you let it be

#21

Post by dnautics »

haberdash wrote: post #16
drblast wrote: post #5

The thought occurred to me while reading this that there are probably lots of 33-year-old non-virgins who nevertheless have not had the caring relationship this man wants. I think the sex is irrelevant. Although I'd have to advise this guy to just go get laid so it's not a sticking point in his relationships. And it's just fun. Go have fun with someone. It's sex, not a rocket launch.

Throwaway. Correct for part. I'm in a similar situation, but only 28. Five years to go. Twelve to a movie. In my mind—and this is entirely anecdotal—sex and relationships are merely a checkpoint for the life of a person. It's nothing more than a signifier, of which people place a negative connotation on being a virgin. I'm not here by choice, but by inability to progress against these signifiers. While I agree with y…

You should be afraid to be forward. You could get accused of sexual harassment. It's totally incredible that someone who was sexually harassed at work gave you advice to "try a small company", because that is completely reckless advice and can lead to potentially illegal behavior.

Edit: I mean incredible in the colloquial sense, not the literal ("I don't believe you") sense.

Re: The 33-year-old virgin: Life without sex is only torturous if you let it be

#22

Post by a3voices »

adamconroy wrote: post #10

I think he should just get laid already. His idea of doing it with someone who cares is fraught, as there is a good chance he will get dumped and it will be crushing because of his circumstances, and because it wont mean as much to his first partner there will be a power imbalance in the relationship. He may also be so smitten that he ends up marrying the first one even if she isn't the right choice. Once in this mar…

I think he should just get laid already.

Much easier said than done. I would advise him to talk to lots of women and connect with them, and try to build something meaningful with one. If that happens, sex will also inevitably.

Re: The 33-year-old virgin: Life without sex is only torturous if you let it be

#23

Post by pramalin »

Someone like him would be treated as a most eligible bachelor in Indian circles. I know an American girl who is happily married to an Indian she selected through online matrimonial sites. Considering Indian's family values, that may be a good option for him as well.

Re: The 33-year-old virgin: Life without sex is only torturous if you let it be

#24

Post by 34yearold »

parennoob wrote: post #14

Asexuality is a real thing. I'm hypothesizing that this guy might be asexual. Asexuality is cool, whatever sexual orientation you are; you are that and you should carry it proudly. Alternatively (and I think this is more probable), he also sounds like a person who is neck-deep in inner shame about his virginity, and is rationalizing it saying, "Oh, but at least I'm not a misogynistic slob [his words]." But I fail to…

I am a 34-year old male virgin. There's nothing bad about this. You guys make way too big a deal about it. I always here people talk about sex like they'll die without it, but it's just not that important.

Re: The 33-year-old virgin: Life without sex is only torturous if you let it be

#25

Post by haberdash »

dnautics wrote: post #21
haberdash wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Throwaway. Correct for part. I'm in a similar situation, but only 28. Five years to go. Twelve to a movie. In my mind—and this is entirely anecdotal—sex and relationships are merely a checkpoint for the life of a person. It's nothing more than a signifier, of which people place a negative connotation on being a virgin. I'm not here by choice, but by inability to progress against these signifiers. While I agree with y…

You should be afraid to be forward. You could get accused of sexual harassment. It's totally incredible that someone who was sexually harassed at work gave you advice to "try a small company", because that is completely reckless advice and can lead to potentially illegal behavior. Edit: I mean incredible in the colloquial sense, not the literal ("I don't believe you") sense.

Yeah, I'm not quite sure what's going on with that. It might have been facetious, we tend to joke about each other.

I'll have to ask her about it tomorrow. There was one thing for her even worse than that, which would make her recommendation even more incredible to you. We're good enough friends to talk about things like that, I wonder if she's projecting her internal views of me on to other people.

No more about my friend, please. I feel wrong alluding to these situations.

Re: The 33-year-old virgin: Life without sex is only torturous if you let it be

#26

Post by throwaway2719 »

dpeck wrote: post #13
drblast wrote: post #5

The thought occurred to me while reading this that there are probably lots of 33-year-old non-virgins who nevertheless have not had the caring relationship this man wants. I think the sex is irrelevant. Although I'd have to advise this guy to just go get laid so it's not a sticking point in his relationships. And it's just fun. Go have fun with someone. It's sex, not a rocket launch.

That is actually pretty terrible advice for a lot of people. Not everyone can/wants to separate sex from intimacy and that can lead to quite a few problems as well.

Indeed. To me, sex is the ultimate intimacy and I can't really imagine doing it on a casual basis, nor do I think I'd enjoy that very much. Sex as an expression of deep commitment to another person is one of the best experiences two people can share. But I can empathize with the subject in the OP. After several painful breakups and the ultimate, a failed marriage, I'm done with it. I don't care if I ever have sex again. I'm not getting back on that roller coaster, the pleasure is not worth the pain.

Re: The 33-year-old virgin: Life without sex is only torturous if you let it be

#27

Post by 34yearold »

haberdash wrote: post #16
drblast wrote: post #5

The thought occurred to me while reading this that there are probably lots of 33-year-old non-virgins who nevertheless have not had the caring relationship this man wants. I think the sex is irrelevant. Although I'd have to advise this guy to just go get laid so it's not a sticking point in his relationships. And it's just fun. Go have fun with someone. It's sex, not a rocket launch.

Throwaway. Correct for part. I'm in a similar situation, but only 28. Five years to go. Twelve to a movie. In my mind—and this is entirely anecdotal—sex and relationships are merely a checkpoint for the life of a person. It's nothing more than a signifier, of which people place a negative connotation on being a virgin. I'm not here by choice, but by inability to progress against these signifiers. While I agree with y…

Also on a throwaway with only six years until the movie. I never understood why people make such a big deal over this. It's far more important to me to have it be the right person and time than to do it just because everybody else says you should.

I'm fully cognizant of the fact that the right person and the right time may never come. I'm okay with that.

Re: The 33-year-old virgin: Life without sex is only torturous if you let it be

#28

Post by nybblet »

The article is too hard to analyze in terms of actionable advice, so to speak---too many factors that confound analysis of the author's position---but these comments are fascinating.

It seems that to many people, sex is just a way to pleasure themselves, or just a status symbol. And if their partners are fine with that, then by all means they should indulge.

Some other people, though, don't want to use other people just to pleasure themselves without intending to commit to anything greater. And if their partners are fine with that, then by all means they should refrain.

This view of, indeed fixation with, sex---as a "coming of age," as a way to preen socially, as a tool for pleasure---relegates to a position at most secondary the value of a genuine and meaningful relationship. Ultimately, though, it's a matter of priorities: people should choose what they value.

Logically and from experience, many people who have casual sex with people who are fine with having casual sex end up in casual relationships.

And in a similar vein, I happen to know a lot of women---and men---who would be extremely reluctant to enter into a relationship with anyone who slept around casually, and would much rather be with someone who waited until they already had a meaningful relationship. As someone mentioned, after all, if a meaningful relationship founded on more than desire for pleasure (which focuses on the self) or even lust (which does include the other person) exists, surprise surprise: a natural desire for sex will probably follow. And probably the sex will be longer and better.

Re: The 33-year-old virgin: Life without sex is only torturous if you let it be

#29

Post by [deleted] »

nybblet wrote: post #28

The article is too hard to analyze in terms of actionable advice, so to speak---too many factors that confound analysis of the author's position---but these comments are fascinating. It seems that to many people, sex is just a way to pleasure themselves, or just a status symbol. And if their partners are fine with that, then by all means they should indulge. Some other people, though, don't want to use other people j…

[deleted]

Re: The 33-year-old virgin: Life without sex is only torturous if you let it be

#30

Post by haberdash »

34yearold wrote: post #24
parennoob wrote: post #14

Asexuality is a real thing. I'm hypothesizing that this guy might be asexual. Asexuality is cool, whatever sexual orientation you are; you are that and you should carry it proudly. Alternatively (and I think this is more probable), he also sounds like a person who is neck-deep in inner shame about his virginity, and is rationalizing it saying, "Oh, but at least I'm not a misogynistic slob [his words]." But I fail to…

I am a 34-year old male virgin. There's nothing bad about this. You guys make way too big a deal about it. I always here people talk about sex like they'll die without it, but it's just not that important.

28 here. I find it interesting that you're not interested in it at all.

There's that saying: "a man can go his whole life without an orgasm, but if he goes a month without a bowel movement he'll die."

It's true that it's not required to live. I feel a bit empty without a significant other, though.

Post reply on HN