Ask HN: Emotion hacks? How do you work despite crummy love/life things going on? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: Emotion hacks? How do you work despite crummy love/life things going on?

#61

Post by 9oliYQjP » Mon, Jul 20, 2009, 3:18 AM UTC

darkxanthos wrote: post #56

9oliYQjP wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have a tendency to dwell on a negative situation, which I've learned, quite painfully, is possibly the worst thing to do. So whenever something comes along that wipes me off my feet, I decide to pickup a new skill/hobby and focus on that as much as possible. I find it gives me something else to talk about when I'm with friends, instead of rehashing the "woe is me, life sucks" tale of the times. Because the experien…

Empathy/Pride swallowing helps too. Not saying you're wrong... just saying that in the end it doesn't really matter. You can still find a way to agree. Good luck.

It does. I swallowed my pride and extended an olive branch before this issue began as I sensed something was wrong. She said everything was okay. Then the next week she phoned me at work, after I'd invited her out to a movie, and she unloaded on me. Apparently wanting to do stuff with her meant I was not respecting "boundaries" (FYI nothing shady going on like an affair or anything of the sort). Totally ruined the rest of my week. I suspect this is her way of pushing me away and telling me she doesn't want a relationship, but c'mon we're adults. Just come out and tell me.

If I were a couple of years younger, I'd have defended my position when she phoned. Instead, I bit my tongue, only replied with "okay" and decided to respect her wishes by cutting off contact for a while. We share a hobby so it'll be interesting to see if she shows up this week.

I've been really bummed out by the situation. I'm not old, but I'm too old for this sort of crap. I thought we had a good thing going, so much so that I didn't follow up on a few opportunities with a couple of other girls that I was attracted to who showed interest.

Re: Ask HN: Emotion hacks? How do you work despite crummy love/life things going on?

#62

Post by erichsu » Mon, Jul 20, 2009, 3:31 AM UTC

Work on computer problems to break out of melancholy. In my experience, many such issues have a specific solution arc. One tries different things to fix the issue and same error, same error, same error... then DIFFERENT error. Then suddenly it works.

Example. I was very depressed over a relationship ending, and had been for a few months. Then I was was trying to get a Linux server working and trying to get the Ethernet card recognized (this was 1999 so this was non-trivial) and failed, failed, failed... NEW failure, WORKING! Wow, that shock victory was enough to snap me out of the depression, where gradual victories had not.

Good luck though, and be sure to eat well and talk to others...

Re: Ask HN: Emotion hacks? How do you work despite crummy love/life things going on?

#63

Post by gruseom » Mon, Jul 20, 2009, 3:34 AM UTC

byrneseyeview wrote: post #58

gruseom wrote: post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Does this really happen? Does this count? Another soldier, Staff Sgt. Daniel Shannon, told CBS that his PTSD changed him completely. "I started smashing furniture, very rapidly; so I didn’t know what I was doing ‘til it happened. I’d get mad so fast, so angry fast, and just lash out." ( http://www.thecommentfactory.com/irregular-army-the-prevalen... ) It only takes a bit of googling to find all sorts of information o…

I don't doubt that people flip out. I don't even doubt that thousands of people among the millions who served in the military have flipped out. What I'm wondering about is whether otherwise undamaged people who repress their emotions eventually go nuts, or whether people who control their emotions end up in control of their emotions. People who eat small portions generally don't suddenly devour a turkey. People who o…

Unless I'm missing your point, the argument seems circular: if someone "flips out" then they must have been "damaged" in the first place.

Aren't emotions part of being human? Long-term negation of one's being isn't likely to have zero consequences. I think a better analogy might be sex, repression of which certainly does mean that a problem compounds, at least for most people. But this discussion is possibly too abstract to be resolvable.

Re: Ask HN: Emotion hacks? How do you work despite crummy love/life things going on?

#64

Post by mbenjaminsmith » Mon, Jul 20, 2009, 3:58 AM UTC

Maybe a little trite but I always try to look at the larger picture. I've traveled quite a bit so I often think about the poorest people I've encountered, for example, in India and the life that they live day to day. I figure any day I have food in my stomach and a computer on my lap is a good one.

Re: Ask HN: Emotion hacks? How do you work despite crummy love/life things going on?

#65

Post by lunaru » Mon, Jul 20, 2009, 4:31 AM UTC

symstym wrote: post #7

ashishk wrote: post #2

I try to take care of myself in fundamental ways. Like eating well, exercising, and sleeping on time. I've found having control of basic things provides a deep sense of security.

I second this. I can't relate the the part about a sense of security, but I've found that it's very important to "take care of myself", in whatever form. For me that often means cleaning my apartment, taking care of business I've been procrastinating on, etc. Those are concrete, actionable tasks that are guaranteed to make me feel better, even if only a little bit. At work, I similarly try to focus on specific small…

I'll second the cleaning - particularly around my desk and work area. Nothing gets me more productive than a clean desk. Nothing gets me more frustrated and distracted than a bunch of papers lying around.

Re: Ask HN: Emotion hacks? How do you work despite crummy love/life things going on?

#66

Post by keithb_b » Mon, Jul 20, 2009, 4:31 AM UTC

Amazing. In the adult world our "job" is part of our "real life".

Here's the thing: you don't live in the Matrix, this isn't a game and there are no "tricks", there are no "hacks". There are two things you need to do—get on with it, and get over it.

Some of the things mentioned elsewhere (like good diet, exercise, and getting out of the house) will help you do both of those, but it will still be a slow and painful process. There are no shortcuts. While that's going on what adults do, is do their work.

Re: Ask HN: Emotion hacks? How do you work despite crummy love/life things going on?

#67

Post by [deleted] » Mon, Jul 20, 2009, 4:50 AM UTC

darkxanthos wrote: post #22

_cbsz wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

reminder: "hackers" and "gay people" are not disjoint sets, so mentioning a boyfriend doesn't imply femininity (not gay; recently made a public mistake of this nature).

Touché... I'm an optimist I guess!

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: Emotion hacks? How do you work despite crummy love/life things going on?

#68

Post by [deleted] » Mon, Jul 20, 2009, 5:03 AM UTC

b0k0n0n wrote: post #18

What a coincidence—I'm going through this right now. The night my boyfriend broke up with me (two days ago) I differentiated equations until 4 a.m. Now I'm working on inductive logic and doing my best to stay off of e-mail and facebook. I use other outlets such as reading and exercising, but I've found mathematics' abstraction to be the most helpful. Reading books brings up motifs and messages and content that calls…

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: Emotion hacks? How do you work despite crummy love/life things going on?

#69

Post by [deleted] » Mon, Jul 20, 2009, 5:15 AM UTC

_cbsz wrote: post #59

mahmud wrote: post #54

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I really admire your brash confidence. It's that kind of self-centered attitude and utter disregard for social norms that will ultimately make you a very successful Man. Apply that persistance to business and you will be one very well-off bonehead :-) Cheers!

Assuming your post is meant to be sardonic: There is an established school of thought that says that that sort of thing has a high likelihood of impressing women.

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: Emotion hacks? How do you work despite crummy love/life things going on?

#70

Post by bkrausz » Mon, Jul 20, 2009, 5:22 AM UTC

darkxanthos wrote: post #51

b0k0n0n wrote: post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

haha..good guess though—I am female.

haha! w00t hit me up: darkxanthos at gmail dot com My life would be improved ten fold by knowing a woman with interests like yours even if just as friends. EDIT: Also it's email how badly could I possibly stalk you?

HN dating-site spinoff anyone?