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Success at Work, Failure at Home

scott.a16z.com

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Re: Success at Work, Failure at Home

#111

Post by bbwharris »

If you have children and a career, then you have two jobs. Sorry, you don't get a "break", and you shouldn't expect to "unwind".

This isn't going to be popular, but its selfish as hell to think that you "deserve" something because of all the hard work you are doing. You don't. The universe is indifferent and life isn't fair.

The only thing you can do is make every moment count and do the things that make you happy. If you are feeling the need for a cocktail and an hour in front of the TV, then I'm going to say that you aren't happy.

Re: Success at Work, Failure at Home

#112

Post by tdurden »

sokoloff wrote: post #64
tdurden wrote: post #57

> When we started pulling consistent coding weekends, we brought in the entire management team to serve the engineers: We brought them food, washed their cars, got oil changes, took in their dry cleaning, and arranged for childcare for their kids in the office. Sorry, but while admirable, this is not normal. I may differ from most of HN, but I simply don't see the point in making these kinds of sacrifices as an engin…

That's not the point. The management team is showing solidarity with their team by serving them in the only (more symbolic than economically valuable) ways that they can. It's a symbolic (but real) sharing of the sacrifice, not a straight up bribe. Same reason I've come in on Christmas night (we scheduled the work after the families are reasonably in bed, but the calendar still said "12/25") to spend time with my tea…

> The engineers make the sacrifice because they believe it's necessary for the product/company to succeed. They feel better about it because their executives are physically present there with them

Really? Your engineers are so easily swayed by having a couple execs present at the office on Christmas eve that they happily ignore their own lives?

Re: Success at Work, Failure at Home

#113

Post by epx »

steven2012 wrote: post #73
larrys wrote: post #56

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"If she stays at home with kids, she was also working." I think it's reasonable to believe that some jobs are harder than other jobs. Staying home with the kids, while hard (and maybe even boring) isn't as demanding as the jobs that some people have. I have to tell you that I'd rather the person who operates on a heart or a brain or flys a 777 (and there are many more I'm just picking a few obvious ones) focus on the…

True, it might not be harder than brain surgery, but neither is your current job, and raising kids is probably harder than your current job. If you don't give a shit about how your kids turn out, then raising kids is pretty easy, but if you actually care, it's probably going to be the hardest job you'll ever have.

The hardest part is when the kid asks for something and you don't have money.

Re: Success at Work, Failure at Home

#114

Post by Xcelerate »

barry-cotter wrote: post #80
steven2012 wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It doesn't count. Your kids didn't ask to be born. You decided to have them. If you're going to raise your kid by simply providing for them, and not nurturing them and spending time with them, then all of your "providing for" is worthless. If you decided to have kids when you could barely afford it, and had no extra time to do anything besides work, then they are right to consider you a bad parent. Go listen to Cat's…

Your culture and values are not universal. Children can adapt to and thrive in much worse environments than mostly only see Dad at the weekend. Your kind of judgmental attitude is of a piece with the helicopter parent Amy Chua bullshit that makes so many have fewer, more stressed, stressful kids rather than have more and just let them be. There is more than one acceptable combination of parental responsibilities and…

> Your culture and values are not universal.

You're exactly right. There's a lot of crap culture and values in the world.

> Children can adapt to and thrive in much worse environments than mostly only see Dad at the weekend.

True as well. Doesn't make it any less horrible.

Rationalizing away being a good parent is selfish. My mother died when I was 11 and my father (a director in his company) worked incredibly hard to manage the balance of the demands at work and taking the time and care to raise my sister and I. He did an extraordinary job and was very self-sacrificing, and so when I see comments along the lines of "I'm going to do what I want to do with my life and the kids will just have to adapt", it really kind of pisses me off.

Re: Success at Work, Failure at Home

#115

Post by vasilipupkin »

ececconi wrote: post #65
001sky wrote: post #50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What's glaringly absent from the second part of this article is not asking the engineers to come in on weekends, either. Exactly. The culture should be 'everybody else' works 80 hours a week and dealts with a nasty commute? But the CEO, lives a couple blocks away and blocks out time here and there to play with his kids...? Ok, There is certainly nothing wrong with this advice for CEOs, but the question goes begging a…

Got the same impression.

I believe you guys misunderstood him. I think he is not saying he should not have done those 100 plus hour weeks as a CEO necessarily, but that he was simultaneously being a dick to his wife and eventually this probably had some negative impact on his CEO performance, not just on his personal life. What I got out of this is his advice is, try to the extent possible to be present for your family and get rid of "I am a CEO, bitch" attitude when you get home because your wife/husband may not appreciate it very much

Re: Success at Work, Failure at Home

#116

Post by vasilipupkin »

thrownaway2424 wrote: post #105
marcamillion wrote: post #103

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think you are reading into it too much. Everybody can only speak from their own experience. I don't know Scott and never worked in his startup, but I suspect that what he may be angling at is the fact that as CEO he sets the tone of the company. I can't speak for him, but I suspect that if he felt like he needed to enforce more work-life balance for himself, he would perhaps do the same for his employees....given t…

Sure, but in reality they did work 7-day weeks and he did get a massive payoff. To express the theoretical desire to have better work/life balance is meaningless without a sincere expression of which part of his fortune he'd trade for it.

Yeah, I don't think it's necessary to trade anything. I think he is saying, he could have for example, attended more school events AND still had the massive exit. Or, say, after getting home, do the dishes etc. to at least show his wife that he was trying to help. None of that is somehow inconsistent with having a big exit

Re: Success at Work, Failure at Home

#117

Post by mortyseinfeld »

yulaow wrote: post #47
thrownaway2424 wrote: post #17

So what I'm reading here is why CEOs shouldn't go to the office on weekends and check their mail at dinner. What's glaringly absent from the second part of this article is not asking the engineers to come in on weekends, either. Those guys have families and their negligible equity certainly doesn't justify 80-hour weeks. It sounds to me like the author would rather have gone home on weekends while the engineers staye…

Each time I read madness as 60h/w, 70h/w or the wtf 80h/w I am really happy to live and work on EU. I think I would fall in depression really fast if I had to sacrifice (because over a certain limit, to me, it is only sacrifice) so much of my time and passion. Also in my opinion, ever over a certain limit (For me is 50h/w), the productivity of an engineer just vanish. I prefer work to live against live to work.

Each time I read madness as 60h/w, 70h/w or the wtf 80h/w I am really happy to live and work on EU

I'm happy I don't live in EU. I don't have to work 80 hours, but if I choose to then that should be my right. Europe is too anti-ambition and its policies reflect that.

Re: Success at Work, Failure at Home

#118

Post by [deleted] »

coffeemug wrote: post #74

I'm facing many of the challenges Scott is talking about. I churned through the first part of the essay and thought "yes! yes! yes, yes, let's get to the solution!" But the second part of the essay falls short for me. It's a bit like the depression and the broken hand cartoon[1]. I can't disconnect. I know I'm supposed to turn off my phone, do household chores, and take my wife out to a nice dinner. I know taking the…

[deleted]

Re: Success at Work, Failure at Home

#119

Post by QuantumGood »

A simple tip is to look for activities that regenerate, rather than medicate. "Sitting with a cocktail" isn't a solution to anything, it's treading water at best. A classic regeneration activity for couples is dancing. Meditation is another great choice, but isn't for everyone.

Re: Success at Work, Failure at Home

#120

Post by knice »

It seems like I read a story like this several times each month. It is good advice. We all know it deep down. Yet the "I'll sleep when I'm dead" culture of constant work persists. How do we change that? I ask honestly as someone who is reformed. It took nearly losing my marriage for me to establish balance in my life and work. How do we set up an enduring culture of respect for actual balance?
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