A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea • Hacker News Board

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#141

Post by awj » Mon, Sep 30, 2013, 11:11 PM UTC

sage_joch wrote: post #140

ahoyhere wrote: post #116

Surely I'm not the only one who read the screenshotted exchanges and thought: He just told the OP he's waiting for "answers" from the doctor. He can't make travel plans. He says it's long, gruesome, UGH. Guys. In case you have the social instinct of a cockroach, this is what they call A SIGN. Not a subtle one, either. That is when you LEAP to care for your friend. Here's what you do. You ask: Wait a minute, forget ab…

It seems wrong to say both that he has the "social instinct of a cockroach" and that he's selfish (implying his oversight was a choice). I'm inclined to believe it's the former, given that he is making a post like this. Social instinct is not easy for many programmers, myself included. Your comment almost amounts to assigning blame via the butterfly effect. edit: rewording my first sentence per comment below

> You can't simultaneously say that he has the "social instinct of a cockroach" and that he's selfish.

I'm pretty sure you don't need social skills to be self-centered.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#142

Post by eropple » Mon, Sep 30, 2013, 11:13 PM UTC

sliverstorm wrote: post #87

jlgreco wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your passing wouldn't cause it; and it could happen to anybody. However having it happen after you die is going to have an emotional impact on those who are still alive. How would it feel to open up facebook and see that you have a message from your deceased spouse? Not very good I imagine. I think it is entirely reasonable that some people would want to prevent this from happening.

We can never completely escape the echos of the past.

And your platitudes don't actually address the points raised.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#143

Post by memsom » Mon, Sep 30, 2013, 11:21 PM UTC

When I was in my early 20's I had an intense email friendship with a girl I met in alt.music.nirvana. Her name was Michaels, and if you search hard enough, you can still find her Usenet posts on Google Groups. We lived on opposite sides of the world, but we kept in touch for over 2 or so years. Then she moved out of home, had no internet access and we list touch. One of the worst days of my life was the 10th anniversary of Kurt Cobain's death. Not because it was the day he passed on, but because of what I found. I tried to look her up. I felt she must have found the internet again. It had been some years since my last search. Sadly I discovered that I was never going to get a chance to speak with her ever again, because she had died in 2001, 3 years earlier. I managed to speak to her family, and her father told me that he had often wondered what had become of me. It's still hard to deal with. I have a reminder for her Birthday and the day she passed. It's a weird one really.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#144

Post by turshija » Mon, Sep 30, 2013, 11:25 PM UTC

conanbatt wrote: post #65

InTheSwiss wrote: post #46

Earlier quoted context omitted.

When my girlfriend died I could not bring myself to remove her from my friends list. She is still there. Her beautiful smile looks at me nearly every day. Some days I am glad to see that little profile picture of hers and others it is painful. Her family could have the account closed I guess but I think they feel the same as me and closing it is like deleting a little part of what we have left of her :(

I got the birthday notification one my most beloved teacher, and he passed away more than a year ago. It is a bitter sweet moment indeed. Im kind of glad i got the notification really.

Even worse is this with "Sponsored" links/likes on Facebook ... When it pops up on your wall that your dead friend liked a page or something like that ... Creeps me out.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#145

Post by jroseattle » Mon, Sep 30, 2013, 11:25 PM UTC

This has happened to me a few times, now. Friends from high school and college passing away far too soon. At the time, I knew them well and we were very close. Of course, growing up and moving away and life progression takes you away from those you knew early in life to those late in life.

My friends were all Facebook users, and I knew them before FB existed. We were connected through those services, but we didn't really communicate. They were wonderful people, all of them, and every time I learned of the news of their passing, it was through Facebook.

My parents still read the newspaper, looking for the news about "who died". (They are also interested in the weather, but that's about it.) Nowadays, it seems social media is our generation's obit distribution system.

In the end, I'm thankful for their images on Facebook. Even though we were no longer "daily" friends, I still miss them.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#146

Post by lambada » Mon, Sep 30, 2013, 11:30 PM UTC

evolve2k wrote: post #139

jonas_b wrote: post #131

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What does memorialize mean? My father died some years ago and his account is still there, so I'm curious.

The most important thing it does is remove them from suggest a friend requests list which can be very disturbing to receive. 'John wants to connect with you', Oh that's cool, wtf?! John's dead?!

According to [0]

>Depending on the privacy settings of the deceased person's account, friends can share memories on the memorialized timeline

I'd love to know which Privacy Settings control this ability, it's interesting they don't specifically call out the relevant option.

[0] https://www.facebook.com/help/www/103897939701143?rdrhc

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#147

Post by spiritplumber » Mon, Sep 30, 2013, 11:44 PM UTC

I wonder, what if I wrote a script to keep generating trivial updates to my various feeds in case I die, maybe by sentence mixing and so on. How long would it take for people to notice.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#148

Post by [deleted] » Tue, Oct 01, 2013, 12:02 AM UTC

ahoyhere wrote: post #116

Surely I'm not the only one who read the screenshotted exchanges and thought: He just told the OP he's waiting for "answers" from the doctor. He can't make travel plans. He says it's long, gruesome, UGH. Guys. In case you have the social instinct of a cockroach, this is what they call A SIGN. Not a subtle one, either. That is when you LEAP to care for your friend. Here's what you do. You ask: Wait a minute, forget ab…

[deleted]

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#149

Post by sliverstorm » Tue, Oct 01, 2013, 12:12 AM UTC

eropple wrote: post #142

sliverstorm wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

We can never completely escape the echos of the past.

And your platitudes don't actually address the points raised.

It's clear we disagree, and neither party will be convincing the other, so I thought I'd just leave something to think about and move on. Alas, here we are again.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#150

Post by jbogp » Tue, Oct 01, 2013, 12:17 AM UTC

I have had a similar experience with a friend who died very young (probably suicide although I've never had confirmation). Anyway now every year a bunch of people still post something for his birthday some comments are followed by RIP others are not. I suspect some of these people still don't actually know he's dead and post a message directly through their newsfeed without looking at his profile. It's pretty awkward but it's not my place to go and tell them (I don't know most of them) "FYI, he's dead"