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A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

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Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#111

Post by scott_s »

GrinningFool wrote: post #67
scott_s wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I disagree. Modern communication, such as Facebook, email and phones enable us to maintain friendships over time and distances that previously was unrealistic. Twenty years ago, this would have been an instance of "someone I used to be friends with died." The difference here is that because of the modern communication available, there's an expectation that we can maintain the relationship over time and distance, even…

An argument can be made that if people have disappeared from our lives entirely that indicates neither party was truly interested in maintaining that relationship. A friendship worth maintaining is worth maintaining even when it's not easy or convenient. So we keep in touch with these people we would ordinarily have forgotten about, or perhaps had an occasional thought about but not cared enough to pursue. Is this ch…

I don't agree with your sentiments. People have tendency to get wrapped up in what is in front of them. Hence they lose contact with people who are far away, even though contacting them is no harder than contacting people who live nearby. When that goes on long enough, there's an awkwardness to contact them again, and people have a tendency to avoid that awkwardness.

Social media makes it easier to avoid and mitigate that awkwardness. The obvious response is, "That awkwardness shouldn't matter," but "should" is a big word. It still matters.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#112

Post by sliverstorm »

PhasmaFelis wrote: post #90
sliverstorm wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's really not what I took away from this. Why do you... you know, care what happens to your online accounts? Web accounts are no more special than your library or toll road accounts. The only reason bank accounts matter at all is because the contest need to be disbursed.

Because (a) it sucks to be sending messages to an old friend online, wondering why he won't respond and not knowing that he's dead; (b) it sucks to get birthday messages and "reconnect" notices and spam from someone that you know is dead. Just like the article said and all the other comments mentioned, y'know?

I like being reminded occasionally of my friends who have passed. I stop, think about them, and cherish their memory.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#113

Post by ahoyhere »

DanBC wrote: post #71

A very close friend died. I knew she died, she died while she was on the phone to me. I had my cell phone (to her) in one hand and my landline (to the police) in the other. They were saying "ask her about landmarks! Ask her for her address!" and she was saying "oh ho ho! You won't get it out of me that easily". The online stuff is a bit hard for me to deal with. She had a friendster page, but not Facebook. There's a…

I'm sorry you went through that. Of course a memorial page wouldn't help comfort you, when you know your friend was murdered, you know who the killer was, and there would never be justice, just the thought of how you failed, and how the killer was taunting you right to the end.

I know how you feel.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#114

Post by zeckalpha »

EvanKelly wrote: post #109
sah2ed wrote: post #104

Earlier quoted context omitted.

From the link you posted: > Anyone can send private messages to the deceased person Not sure what Facebook intends by offering this since no one will be able to log in to the account to read them.

Sometimes it's nice to have a place to actually send things. It's like writing a letter to someone you never actually intend to send. I think in the case of Facebook, it's probably nice to actually push that "send" button on the message.

Some people are marked dead who aren't really, too.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#115

Post by shocks »

InTheSwiss wrote: post #46
noonespecial wrote: post #8

As one of the older folks on HN, I can tell you that death in the age of facebook is strange in that even when they are gone there's still a "there-ness" to them thanks to left over accounts. Its almost like at any moment, a tweet will pop up or an update to a wall... Perhaps that's the 21st century version of seeing ghosts.

When my girlfriend died I could not bring myself to remove her from my friends list. She is still there. Her beautiful smile looks at me nearly every day. Some days I am glad to see that little profile picture of hers and others it is painful. Her family could have the account closed I guess but I think they feel the same as me and closing it is like deleting a little part of what we have left of her :(

Hey man, hope you're doing okay. I know it's hard, but keep smiling. She'd want it that way. :) Sorry for your loss.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#116

Post by ahoyhere »

Surely I'm not the only one who read the screenshotted exchanges and thought:

He just told the OP he's waiting for "answers" from the doctor. He can't make travel plans. He says it's long, gruesome, UGH.

Guys. In case you have the social instinct of a cockroach, this is what they call A SIGN. Not a subtle one, either. That is when you LEAP to care for your friend.

Here's what you do. You ask: Wait a minute, forget about whatever it is I wanted to talk about -- what's wrong? Are you okay? Do you want to talk? Why don't I come visit you instead of expecting you to travel?

Alas, the author just glossed forward with "Well if you decide you can make it, let me know!"

The sick (now dead) friend expressed well wishes for health to the OP, only to receive what kind of well wishes in return? None. Not even "good luck with your doctor's visit that I don't want to ask about cuz I'm not comfortable expressing feelings."

How self-centered do you have to be to not even wish a friend with obvious health problems "good luck" or "feel better"?

> "Now you’re probably thinking I’m a real shitty friend."

Yes, but not because you didn't know he died. But because you didn't care enough to notice or ask while he was alive.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#117

Post by DanielBMarkham »

I've long thought that somebody should write an app called "recycle me" for folks, like me, that post a lot on social media. It could just run your posts again in a loop, much like TV does reruns. If you had ten years or more of posts, it might even accomplish something like a poor man's immortality: you'd always be interacting with people, even people that weren't alive when you died. One can even imagine this being two-way: taking this to the next level by analyzing your online conversations and extrapolating what sorts of votes and comments you might make on new posts.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#118

Post by meerab »

One of my coworker died of heart-attach two weeks ago. He had accepted meeting requests few hours before dying and had conversation with fellow co-workers. We couldn't believe that he is no longer alive.

His name is still displayed on my frequently chatted contact list. The thought of pining him or e-mailing him has crossed my mind so many times..

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#119

Post by elehack »

shanselman wrote: post #39

I have a friend who died a year ago and I still keep her in my Gchat. I don't want to remove her.

My Ph.D adviser (who was also a close colleague, mentor, and friend, very much not Ph.D's Prof. Smith) died this summer. One of the most acute grief triggers early on was seeing him in my chat roster (and shared Google Docs, calendar events, etc.).
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