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A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

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Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#101

That was a really good article, and really sad. This happened to me recently, as well. I hadn't spoke with my best friend from Junior high in years (since I was 18), and I looked him up this past winter... died in Iraq (in 2006!), in an attack on his convoy. The reports were mixed. He either died by gun fire while defending the convoy after the initial attack, which was a road-side bomb, or he died as a result of the…

> I was a terrible friend. He was killed while fighting for our country (whether our imperialism is justified or not, our soldiers are important to our country's sovereignty), and I was busy vacationing in the Florida Keys.

This happens to the best of us. In itself, it does not make you a terrible friend.

> What's more, he had a wife and kid, which I never met. If I'd been a better friend, his wife would have had another person to comfort her with anecdotes of his younger days.

You never know - she may be happy to hear from you regardless.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#102
post #95

This is why Facebook/Social networks cannot replace real life interactions. Maybe they weren't as close of a friend as you thought? If you don't hear from someone for two years and never make a phone call to reach out/or spend them with them, it sounds like they were more of an acquaintance than a real friend. I quit facebook back in April, and I can say that my friendships with true friends have been getting stronge…

This is such a shortsighted and cruel thing to say.

That's one way to look at it.

Another is that, perhaps, Facebook's redefinition of the term "friend" has taken some of the meaning out of it.

This leaves us in an emotionally precarious position: I've called someone a friend, and perhaps even interacted with them more than I would've otherwise, thanks to this online facilitation.

Does that make it more or less important? Does the difference matter? I don't think these are trivial questions. My opinion is that, no, someone you talk to infrequently on Facebook is not your "friend" in the same way as someone you see and interact with regularly outside of the webbynets.

But I do think that point of view, if it isn't already, will soon be outdated. For better or worse, our online interactions are more numerous and significant. Perhaps it's time we consider that possibility and start re-evaluating our assumptions regarding friendship, what it entails, and what it requires.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#103
post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This was my first thought. If someone dies and you don't know until two years later, they weren't actually your friend. Or maybe, Facebook just has their buttons labeled incorrectly.

Surely there are people between "Friends whose lives you are involved with on a day-to-day basis" and "Acquaintances that mean nothing to you". Friendship doesn't need to be a black-and-white concept; there are close friends and there are distant friends.

BOOL: type specifier incorrect

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#104
post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I wonder if there's a way to set up a "I'm dead" message that would post when you're dead. I dunno, maybe have an app check the SSN/NID status to be 100% sure, then post a prerecorded message...

They can give you a special Deceased account: https://www.facebook.com/help/103897939701143

From the link you posted:

> Anyone can send private messages to the deceased person

Not sure what Facebook intends by offering this since no one will be able to log in to the account to read them.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#105
One of my best friends committed suicide and I didn't know it for like a month or two. Got called up by another friend that told me.

Even if me and another friend were his best pals, we weren't even invited to the funeral but went anyway. He still have a facebook account and a memorial page. I however managed to go around the problem by deleting my facebook account. Not for that reason though.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#107
post #3

Wow. This almost makes me want to reactivate my facebook. Powerful post, bravo!

I de-activated my Facebook account a long while ago. going to reactivate to see who's still there and reach out to them with phone calls and emails. :( thanks for the reminder. Real Life.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#108
post #95

This is why Facebook/Social networks cannot replace real life interactions. Maybe they weren't as close of a friend as you thought? If you don't hear from someone for two years and never make a phone call to reach out/or spend them with them, it sounds like they were more of an acquaintance than a real friend. I quit facebook back in April, and I can say that my friendships with true friends have been getting stronge…

This is such a shortsighted and cruel thing to say.

How so? I think eyeareque is correct.

In the days before the Internet, there were generally three ways to stay in touch with distant friends: writing letters, making telephone calls, or visiting in person. All three required varying degrees of time and effort on ones part, but this was offset by the simple pleasure of conversing with a friend. People didn't bother engaging in this sort of activity with acquaintances or "rather pleasant kinda-friends", because the personal connection didn't exist. There was no "payoff" significant enough to offset the effort.

The likes of Facebook remove most of this time and effort requirement. You can "friend" people you haven't spoken to in years or even decades with a minimum of difficulty. While I'm sure there are plenty of cases where the lack of communication could be due to external causes (divorce, reassignment, death, job loss, etc) there are undoubtedly many more cases where people simply "drifted apart" because they found they didn't have strong common interests.

Many Facebook (and similar social media) relationships really aren't "genuine" (as eyeareque stated) for this reason. Neither party really is interested in putting additional effort into the relationship beyond a simple "like" button click every now and then, if even that.

The OP's story is sad, and while I agree with their summary that we should treasure our friends and family while we have them, let's not pretend that the Golden Age of Social Media has somehow provided us with a revolutionary relationship tool.

Facebook is a dynamic, 21st Century version of the old "phone number and address book": full of people to whom you might send a Christmas card, but little else.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#109
post #104

Earlier quoted context omitted.

They can give you a special Deceased account: https://www.facebook.com/help/103897939701143

From the link you posted: > Anyone can send private messages to the deceased person Not sure what Facebook intends by offering this since no one will be able to log in to the account to read them.

Sometimes it's nice to have a place to actually send things. It's like writing a letter to someone you never actually intend to send. I think in the case of Facebook, it's probably nice to actually push that "send" button on the message.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#110
post #75
post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I wrote this for just me a while back, and everyone I talked to about it thought it was morbidly weird. I'm glad there are others who think it isn't, but that might be something a startup had to contend with.

Wills and life insurance are morbidly weird, but like it or not people need them. People have "digital" estates now, that need to be managed just as much as one's physical affairs once they die.

Please take a look at our company eterniam.com which preserves your digital estate. I would love your feedback.
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