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I Know What You Think of Me

opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com

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Re: I Know What You Think of Me

#101

Post by mkr-hn »

theorique wrote: post #95
bostonvaulter2 wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Hmmmm, it sounds like she may want empathy and the ability to vent rather than any sort of solution or analysis. That's something that I've struggled with in the past but I think I'm getting better at.

Women (especially significant others) tend to want you to agree with them , not with the person they're complaining about. Don't give an objective analysis of the situation with an account of the other person's point of view, especially if your wife or girlfriend is in the midst of emotionally venting. It won't be appreciated. Once she's cooled off and feels listened to and heard, then you can start to reintroduce lo…

Goofball hypothesizing about people as grouped objects is always fun to read. Wait, no. It's the other thing. Terrible to read.

Re: I Know What You Think of Me

#102

Post by 3minus1 »

robryan wrote: post #67
lwhi wrote: post #44

Earlier this evening I received a text message from a someone I felt I was starting to have feelings for. Probably just infatuation, but possibly something more. Another text soon followed; one that was very affectionate. In the 3 minutes between replying and receiving the apologetic '... I'm sorry that wasn't meant for you...' reply, I experienced a full range of emotions from elation to embarrassment — disappointme…

Or it was and they are backtracking, although maybe not best to think too much about that.

or maybe be honest! why not.

Re: I Know What You Think of Me

#103

Post by philoktet »

jarrett wrote: post #35
Udo wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Just for fun, I'd like to throw in my opposite experience. A few years ago I was quite active on FB, you know, posting random thoughts and music videos and stuff like that. The stuff I posted was indeed random, just things I liked and wanted to share based on mood and ...well randomness. But unbeknownst to be, an acquaintance of mine, who was at the time engaged in a horribly soapy love triangle, got it into her head…

This article was on the HN front page some time ago: http://chronicle.com/article/I-Will-Ruin-Him/136693/ It sounds like your situation is similar, though perhaps less extreme.

Borderline personality disorder strikes again.

Re: I Know What You Think of Me

#104

Post by nollidge »

obviouslygreen wrote: post #2

This is a great article. Not good, great. It's a simple and objective look at a very difficult truth: It's so very easy (and, in the author's assessment -- which I agree with -- so very normal) to look at yourself as the exception, and to ignore or simply be ignorant of your own flaws, while eagerly pointing out those of others. I keep learning more about myself (not the pleasant things, of course) because of this so…

I'm slowly realizing that being judgemental and expressing those judgements to sympathetic interlocutors often feels good in the moment, but it's toxic in the long run.

This is because those judgements you pass on others are almost always externalizations of judgements you pass on yourself, and usually unfair ones to boot. Realizing you're a hypocrite is painful in the immediate term, but leads to pretty sustained gratification when you notice the gap between the person you could've passively become and the person you actively chose to evolve into.

Re: I Know What You Think of Me

#105

Post by nollidge »

theorique wrote: post #95
bostonvaulter2 wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Hmmmm, it sounds like she may want empathy and the ability to vent rather than any sort of solution or analysis. That's something that I've struggled with in the past but I think I'm getting better at.

Women (especially significant others) tend to want you to agree with them , not with the person they're complaining about. Don't give an objective analysis of the situation with an account of the other person's point of view, especially if your wife or girlfriend is in the midst of emotionally venting. It won't be appreciated. Once she's cooled off and feels listened to and heard, then you can start to reintroduce lo…

In my experience, men do this just as much. People just don't question men's subjective assessment of things as much as they do women's.

Re: I Know What You Think of Me

#106

Post by pohl »

pavs wrote: post #80
pohl wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There are people who just love to surround themselves with drama.

Exactly, I know some people in real-life, immediate family members, people I can't easily ignore even if I want to, who just loves to feed on drama. I usually try to stay away from drama queens like my sanity depends on it, but when family members do it, not easy or (always right) to ignore them. I tried to explain, rationalize, reason with them and their drama ways; but it didn't help much. I think drama loving peop…

I think your last sentence is probably the best rational explanation:

foment drama --> experience drama --> dopamine hit...

Re: I Know What You Think of Me

#107

Post by nollidge »

michaelochurch wrote: post #4

This brings to mind why people who are socially inept tend to fall behind further in interpersonal skill, unless they make concerted efforts to improve themselves. When you start developing the ability to read people, it's painful because you realize that most people passively dislike you. It gets a little better when you realize that most of the low-level passive dislike is impersonal. Passive dislike of others (per…

Passively dislike you, or just don't have any particular interest in you whatsoever? (Or is that exactly what you mean by "passive dislike"?)

Re: I Know What You Think of Me

#108

Post by nmcfarl »

atourgates wrote: post #30

I think the important question no-one seems to be asking is: what's up with the goats? No seriously, for what reason does a NYT contributor/essayist/cartoonist need goats on demand? Also: I'm calling it now, "Uber for Goats" is the next big startup idea.

Having read this yesterday I was sure it was the reason:

In Utah, a 100-Mile Trek With a 4-Year-Old Boy http://travel.nytimes.com/2013/06/16/travel/in-utah-a-100-mi...

But instead it’s another NY Times author renting goats. There’s an epidemic!

Re: I Know What You Think of Me

#109

Post by nmcfarl »

michaelochurch wrote: post #4

This brings to mind why people who are socially inept tend to fall behind further in interpersonal skill, unless they make concerted efforts to improve themselves. When you start developing the ability to read people, it's painful because you realize that most people passively dislike you. It gets a little better when you realize that most of the low-level passive dislike is impersonal. Passive dislike of others (per…

No post body was provided.

Re: I Know What You Think of Me

#110

Post by michaelochurch »

nollidge wrote: post #107
michaelochurch wrote: post #4

This brings to mind why people who are socially inept tend to fall behind further in interpersonal skill, unless they make concerted efforts to improve themselves. When you start developing the ability to read people, it's painful because you realize that most people passively dislike you. It gets a little better when you realize that most of the low-level passive dislike is impersonal. Passive dislike of others (per…

Passively dislike you, or just don't have any particular interest in you whatsoever? (Or is that exactly what you mean by "passive dislike"?)

Mostly "no particular interest", but passive dislike comes from an (understandable) fear of congestion.

All else being equal, you'd rather fewer people be where you are than many. You'd rather ride a half-empty plane than a full one. You'd rather your favorite restaurant be quiet and spacious than crowded and loud. Of course, everyone has specific people they'd prefer to be around... but we're mostly irritated by crowds and be around people we didn't select. That's just how we are. We're animals, and every animal exhibits heightened cognitive load when animals of the same species (conspecific individuals) are in range.

This is not worth getting angry about. It's just how the world seems to work. Even if the world isn't congested, it almost always feels that way... and to most people, you and I are part of the problem. When you drive, you're part of "traffic".

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