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Never Lie About Who You Really Are

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Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#91

Post by kgo »

elemenohpee wrote: post #40
jpwagner wrote: post #24

I hope I'm not insensitive, but if I'm having a bad day and my cab driver (or just about any total stranger) asks "how is your day" I am not compelled to tell him about the intricacies of being me. It's not about fighting for "the truth", it's simply practical. This is generally how to behave for all matters of sex, politics, religion, and anything else personal. Small talk is small talk.

I don't mean to be presumptuous, but are you straight? Not feeling compelled to tell people about your sexuality is a luxury afforded to people who fit into the norm. It's what LGBT activists would call "privilege", and it's something that we as straight/white/male/other dominant group need to be aware of if we don't wish to alienate minority groups.

In the particular example of a cab driver...

There are plenty of other reasons you might have kids but not a wife. Maybe you're a widower. Maybe they're actually your brother's kids, but he and his wife were killed by a drunk driver, and you're the godfather.

Perfectly legitimate cases where you just have no reason to get into it with the freaking cab driver, and probably don't get into a serious conversation, and probably also don't tell him to mind his own damn business.

Wouldn't it also be inappropriate for the cab-driver to follow up, "Do you have kids?" with the question "Are they biologically yours?"

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#92

Post by pretoriusB »

brudgers wrote: post #46
Jabbles wrote: post #18

Just because you shouldn't have to lie about it, doesn't make it good advice to never lie about it. There are, sadly, many places in the US (and many in the rest of the world) where expressing your true self will cause you (physical/emotional) harm. If you live in such a place, be careful.

I'm not a Baptist. Or any stripe of Christian. Or Jew. Or some other checkbox on the list of tolerable beliefs. I live in Alabama. There's a price. Impeded relationships. Reduced opportunity. Yet, the emotional harm of lying about who am is significantly greater than what one person can inflict upon another. Because like truth, that harm is permanent. People inclined to fuck up someone because they are different, don…

>Yet, the emotional harm of lying about who am is significantly greater than what one person can inflict upon another. Because like truth, that harm is permanent.

What about if there's no harm? What if you ENJOY lying about who you are?

Or, in another twist, what if lying about who you are opens a new world to you, and makes you a different person, perhaps even who you lied about being in the first place? (In the sense that you invent a new identity for yourself, like a Nothern Jewish family boy like Robert Zimmerman emerged into scene as the "wretched hobo poet" Bob Dylan).

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#93

Post by king_jester »

noja wrote: post #7
lmm wrote: post #6

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's still not statistically normal, and it's still not immediately obvious. So there's always going to be a point where you tell people, and there's always the possibility of an off reaction, like when you mention that you have an unusual hobby. Add to that the fact that there's still a lot of judgement, and for some people it's easier to handle in a single conversation with everyone, and I think the coming out will…

Why does it matter if it's statistically normal, or obvious? Why is there a point when you have to tell people? It seems counter to the equal rights argument.

The point is that some people that come out may face immediate discrimination and possibly physical violence. Not everyone is tolerant of someone being gay and some of those people will take actions to fuck you over if you come out. Because of this, some people do not want to reveal that information and they have a right to do so.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#94

Post by theorique »

elemenohpee wrote: post #73
theorique wrote: post #65

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Privilege/oppression may be a real thing, but this isn't an example of it. No one expects absolutely literal, radical honesty from a simple inquiry like "how's it going?" Just because I'm gay doesn't mean that I go around proclaiming the fact to others unless it's relevant to the context of the conversation.

Your comment makes zero sense in the context of the submitted blog post. Where did you see anything approaching the exchange "Hey, how's it going." "I'm gay."?

It's not aimed at the blog post, but addressing the comment from jpwagner.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#95

Post by DannyBee »

elemenohpee wrote: post #85
DannyBee wrote: post #76

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I understand your point, but it seems a bit laborious in this case. If a cab driver asks me how my day was, and i'm exhausted, I say "good" and stop talking. This is true whether you are gay, straight, or whatever. In the example in the article, if he was too exhausted to tell "the truth" (as he calls it) and have a "transformative conversation", he should have just said "i'd rather not talk about it". This does not…

Maybe he welcomes the small talk but finds the process of correcting false assumptions laborious? I get what you're saying and I don't think you're trying to be homophobic, but realize that that attitude often comes off the same as "I don't mind people being gay, I just don't want to see it or have to hear about it". It's a subtle form of oppression, where gay people are made to feel that they are not free to engage…

I didn't say anything approaching what you claim the attitude is. My point was that small talk, particular cabby small talk, almost always involves false assumptions, and this has nothing to do with being ignorant.

Otherwise, they have exactly the problem you mention in the last sentence. They see people from all walks of life. If they didn't make some set of assumptions (be it about sexuality, gender, typical behavior of males, typical behavior of females), they'd never be able to engage in any small talk, lest they offend someone's sensibilities.

As I said, you may find this offensive, but it's not about ignorance.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#96

Post by DanBC »

tomrod wrote: post #61
user24 wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I was in a relationship with my partner for 11 years before we got married. "Girlfriend" doesn't really do it justice.

Interesting. Many places, being together that long is known as a common-law marriage.

England has no such thing as common law marriage. It's a persistent myth. When one partner dies or leaves the other is left with very few rights.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#97

Post by pretoriusB »

lucian1900 wrote: post #48
AndrewDucker wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Many people over the age of, say, 30, feel weird about using the word "boyfriend" or "girlfriend", because they feel that it implies a young person.

I haven't noticed it. I know a guy well into his 50s who says "girlfriend" and she's of similar age.

You "haven't noticed it" because you know ONE guy?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anecdotal_evidence

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#98

Post by theorique »

michaelfeathers wrote: post #10

In the UK I've run into people who use the term `partner' for whomever they are in a non-married exclusive relationship with, regardless of whether they are gay or straight. I don't know how common that is, or how it got started. I wonder whether it will ever catch on in the US?

Partner is annoying in a romantic context. It's ambiguous forces a person to ask (internally if nothing else "business or romantic?")

Boyfriend or girlfriend work just fine. Husband or wife if you're that serious.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#100

Post by freyr »

DannyBee wrote: post #76
elemenohpee wrote: post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't mean to be presumptuous, but are you straight? Not feeling compelled to tell people about your sexuality is a luxury afforded to people who fit into the norm. It's what LGBT activists would call "privilege", and it's something that we as straight/white/male/other dominant group need to be aware of if we don't wish to alienate minority groups.

I understand your point, but it seems a bit laborious in this case. If a cab driver asks me how my day was, and i'm exhausted, I say "good" and stop talking. This is true whether you are gay, straight, or whatever. In the example in the article, if he was too exhausted to tell "the truth" (as he calls it) and have a "transformative conversation", he should have just said "i'd rather not talk about it". This does not…

How is the author acting like he's trying to educate anyone? He's saying that casual conversation regularly forces him to correct someone, lie to someone, or evade answering someone regarding a fact about who he is.

I can imagine that regularly responding with "I'd rather not talk about it" when people make basic, friendly conversation is not a pleasant option. And it really doesn't seem the same as saying "good" when someone asks me how my day is.

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