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Never Lie About Who You Really Are

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Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#81

Post by elemenohpee »

jiggy2011 wrote: post #71
danabramov wrote: post #50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah but your day is not something that differs you from the most people, something that many people don't accept, something that you probably have been humiliated for. You're not a “faggot” in high school because you had a bad day. It's something you chose to accept and tell your friends and parents and see some people sneer at you. I think that pretending to have a wife for the sake of smalltalk feels like going in…

Why would you need to invent a wife? Usually when you are making small talk with someone who you will most likely only be in the company of for 5 minutes they are more interested in avoiding awkward silence than actually finding out details about your life. If you don't bring up a wife they will just as easily assume that you are single or divorced as much as gay. Besides , people who work in a public facing role lik…

Notice that all the examples he gave were cases where a stranger made an assumption that put him in the position of either telling them he was gay or lying about it. It's interesting that commenters here keep having to invent a scenario where the guy was going around shouting to every passerby that he was gay.

Yes, there are no cab drivers anywhere who might be perturbed by someone saying they are gay. Thanks jiggy2011, for reminding everyone that our societies issues around homophobia have been solved once and for all.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#82

Post by chernevik »

jpwagner wrote: post #24

I hope I'm not insensitive, but if I'm having a bad day and my cab driver (or just about any total stranger) asks "how is your day" I am not compelled to tell him about the intricacies of being me. It's not about fighting for "the truth", it's simply practical. This is generally how to behave for all matters of sex, politics, religion, and anything else personal. Small talk is small talk.

Everyone finds for themselves what witness they must bear. If the OP feels an obligation to help transform social views of homosexuality, well that's their duty as they see it. Likewise those evangelicals who feel the need to bear witness to what Jesus has done for them. If they share a cab it could well be an exhausting ride for everybody but this is beside the point of their obligations as they seem them.

We must all do the right as we see it. We should all strive to see the right as best we can, but at any moment must work with that vision we have. Doing what _you_ think wrong is wrong. Omitting what _you_ think right is wrong.

Which brings us back to the OP's excellent point that expecting one's self to always meet one's own standard builds a sort of muscle, and leads to an undreamt of excellence.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#83

Post by jpxxx »

PaperclipTaken wrote: post #60
Jabbles wrote: post #18

Just because you shouldn't have to lie about it, doesn't make it good advice to never lie about it. There are, sadly, many places in the US (and many in the rest of the world) where expressing your true self will cause you (physical/emotional) harm. If you live in such a place, be careful.

It reminds me of the quote from Lincoln. (paraphrasing) "Just because we know which direction is true north doesn't mean we should instantly head full speed in that direction, for we risk getting stopped by impassible obstacles." We live in a world where we are lucky to be able to be mostly open about what we believe in. But there are still situations where being honest about yourself may lose you a job, or a custome…

Does that pressure come at the business end of a bat? Have you ever known someone had their face smashed in for calling someone a homo or for disliking billboards?

The drive to not be literally exterminated is a powerful one, so you can be damn sure that pressure for tolerance will continue to be applied now that its "officially" acceptable to apply such pressure.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#84

Post by [deleted] »

chernevik wrote: post #82
jpwagner wrote: post #24

I hope I'm not insensitive, but if I'm having a bad day and my cab driver (or just about any total stranger) asks "how is your day" I am not compelled to tell him about the intricacies of being me. It's not about fighting for "the truth", it's simply practical. This is generally how to behave for all matters of sex, politics, religion, and anything else personal. Small talk is small talk.

Everyone finds for themselves what witness they must bear. If the OP feels an obligation to help transform social views of homosexuality, well that's their duty as they see it. Likewise those evangelicals who feel the need to bear witness to what Jesus has done for them. If they share a cab it could well be an exhausting ride for everybody but this is beside the point of their obligations as they seem them. We must a…

[deleted]

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#85

Post by elemenohpee »

DannyBee wrote: post #76
elemenohpee wrote: post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't mean to be presumptuous, but are you straight? Not feeling compelled to tell people about your sexuality is a luxury afforded to people who fit into the norm. It's what LGBT activists would call "privilege", and it's something that we as straight/white/male/other dominant group need to be aware of if we don't wish to alienate minority groups.

I understand your point, but it seems a bit laborious in this case. If a cab driver asks me how my day was, and i'm exhausted, I say "good" and stop talking. This is true whether you are gay, straight, or whatever. In the example in the article, if he was too exhausted to tell "the truth" (as he calls it) and have a "transformative conversation", he should have just said "i'd rather not talk about it". This does not…

Maybe he welcomes the small talk but finds the process of correcting false assumptions laborious? I get what you're saying and I don't think you're trying to be homophobic, but realize that that attitude often comes off the same as "I don't mind people being gay, I just don't want to see it or have to hear about it". It's a subtle form of oppression, where gay people are made to feel that they are not free to engage in the same small talk as hetero people, lest they offend someone's sensibilities.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#86

Post by alsothings »

AndrewDucker wrote: post #16
gadders wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's common, but daft. It makes every relationship sound like a firm of solicitors. I don't see what's wrong with wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend.

Many people over the age of, say, 30, feel weird about using the word "boyfriend" or "girlfriend", because they feel that it implies a young person.

This describes me (I live in the UK). I'm 31 I've been in a lovely heteronormative relationship for eight years. We aren't married, and we've called each other 'partner' for years. In my head it lives in the linguistic space between '[boy|girl]friend' and the state-sponsored '[husband|wife]'. I also enjoy its gender neutrality.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#87

Post by jiggy2011 »

gadders wrote: post #19
AndrewDucker wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Many people over the age of, say, 30, feel weird about using the word "boyfriend" or "girlfriend", because they feel that it implies a young person.

I had a fabulous middle-class friend once who would refer to his Mum's boyfriend as "My mother's lover". Let's bring "lover" back. Failing that "Other Half" or "Baby Mums".

I always thought "lover" meant the person one was having an affair with.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#88

Post by king_jester »

jpxxx wrote: post #77
monochromatic wrote: post #38

Earlier quoted context omitted.

bringing home the boyfriend/girlfriend to meet the parents or whatever you want to consider normal first steps in expressing your sexuality Saying that this is "coming out" doesn't make it true.

But it is true, so think about it until you get it.

Except it's totally not, being straight in most places in the world is the default and everyone is seen through a lens of being straight. Coming out refers to revealing to people that you are not straight.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#89

Post by king_jester »

mhurron wrote: post #8
noja wrote: post #2

Isn't the idea of "coming out" a bit old fashioned now? (Straight people don't "come out")

> (Straight people don't "come out") Well yes they do, it's just that they can do it by bringing home the boyfriend/girlfriend to meet the parents or whatever you want to consider normal first steps in expressing your sexuality. In a large part of the world though, probably most of the world where you can, if you are gay you basically have to explicit come out to your closest friends and relatives to get over whateve…

> Well yes they do, it's just that they can do it by bringing home the boyfriend/girlfriend to meet the parents or whatever you want to consider normal first steps in expressing your sexuality.

No, this isn't coming out. In most places, people are seen as a default of straight. Coming refers to revealing to people you are not straight, so straight people by definition cannot come out.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#90

Post by alsothings »

tomrod wrote: post #61
user24 wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I was in a relationship with my partner for 11 years before we got married. "Girlfriend" doesn't really do it justice.

Interesting. Many places, being together that long is known as a common-law marriage.

sure, but I've never know someone, when introducing their spouse, to say 'this is my common-law [husband|wife]'. Among other problems, it's quite awkward.
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