A Million First Dates • Hacker News Board

Re: A Million First Dates

#61

Post by colmvp » Sat, Jan 05, 2013, 5:26 PM UTC

singular wrote: post #56

colmvp wrote: post #53

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I see where you are coming from but there's only so much confidence/boldness can make up for physical attributes. You say there are loads of short/ugly/challenged guys who get what they want and yet, what I see on my Facebook/streets of SF/NY are totally different. I've only seen a handful of shorter guys get taller women. Most women prefer taller guys and guys of certain races (interracial stats and surveys definite…

I think it's a matter of prerequisites. Women will look at you as a friend instead of a potential partner if you don't fit them. That's when all the nice-guy stuff of kindness, etc. that many women claim to be what they're looking for (and they are being truthful, only missing a rather vital predicate) is unimportant if you can't fulfil the pre-reqs. My experience on the street is exactly the same. I've basically nev…

That being said, a small percentage of guys I know have occasionally bucked the trend.

One guy is crazy fun, short (5'5 - 5'6), Asian, and yet hasn't had trouble attracting women in NYC (arguably one of the harder places to find someone due to the number of good looking and stylish people).

Another guy I know had the exact same traits (except maybe one inch taller) and attracted extremely beautiful taller women. In his case though, he's never attracted to Caucasian women so even though he could've bucked the trend he chose not to.

I believe they had two advantages: one is a extroverted fun personality that makes women comfortable with approaching them, and the second is going out often as to have an incredibly large social circle to choose from.

Re: A Million First Dates

#62

Post by huhtenberg » Sat, Jan 05, 2013, 5:29 PM UTC

singular wrote: post #27

For a certain subset (perhaps minority) of the population, these sites are nothing but a bait-and-switch. And I think dating sites attract many of us (as I am indeed a member of this subset.) I'm talking about people who lack the pre-requisites women require for mate selection which if not fulfilled, no other characteristics typically matter. Firstly - height - if you are significantly below the national average, you…

Confidence is pretty much the only factor.

If you don't have it, nothing else matters. If you do, everything else is just an icing on the cake. Took me a while to realize this, but that's an ultimate truth :)

Re: A Million First Dates

#63

Post by colmvp » Sat, Jan 05, 2013, 5:30 PM UTC

dusing wrote: post #30

greggman wrote: post #14

My personal experience doesn't match some of the ideas presented in that article >> At the selection stage, researchers have seen that as the range of options grows larger, mate-seekers are liable to become “cognitively overwhelmed,” and deal with the overload by adopting lazy comparison strategies and examining fewer cues I find exactly the opposite. People that I would be happy to talk to if I met them in person wi…

I have a different philosophy about online dating that prevents the "wasted week" you speak about. In the year and a half since my divorce I've gone on about 30 first dates with people I've met online. What I do is exchange 2 emails, tops, before asking for a coffee or happy hour date (short time commitment if it doesn't work out) and then we meet and nip it in the bud. I've done the week of texting thing and it alwa…

I'm curious about your physical stats because I have this theory that guys of a certain race and height have a significantly easier time getting dates than others.

Re: A Million First Dates

#64

Post by colmvp » Sat, Jan 05, 2013, 5:33 PM UTC

huhtenberg wrote: post #62

singular wrote: post #27

For a certain subset (perhaps minority) of the population, these sites are nothing but a bait-and-switch. And I think dating sites attract many of us (as I am indeed a member of this subset.) I'm talking about people who lack the pre-requisites women require for mate selection which if not fulfilled, no other characteristics typically matter. Firstly - height - if you are significantly below the national average, you…

Confidence is pretty much the only factor. If you don't have it, nothing else matters. If you do, everything else is just an icing on the cake. Took me a while to realize this, but that's an ultimate truth :)

"Confidence is pretty much the only factor."

Not really.

It's not like a woman is going to throw out all her requirements (e.g. has to be equal height or taller) just because the guy is confident.

Re: A Million First Dates

#65

Post by singular » Sat, Jan 05, 2013, 5:37 PM UTC

huhtenberg wrote: post #62

singular wrote: post #27

For a certain subset (perhaps minority) of the population, these sites are nothing but a bait-and-switch. And I think dating sites attract many of us (as I am indeed a member of this subset.) I'm talking about people who lack the pre-requisites women require for mate selection which if not fulfilled, no other characteristics typically matter. Firstly - height - if you are significantly below the national average, you…

Confidence is pretty much the only factor. If you don't have it, nothing else matters. If you do, everything else is just an icing on the cake. Took me a while to realize this, but that's an ultimate truth :)

Assuming you're >= av. height, and of reasonable relative social standing...

For a tall person height isn't a factor at all. They could say that as height isn't a problem for them.

Re: A Million First Dates

#66

Post by jules » Sat, Jan 05, 2013, 5:40 PM UTC

singular wrote: post #36

dusing wrote: post #33

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You should really try a pay site, OKC in my experience has just been for hookups. People are way more judgemental there. Also I would think a dating site where you could search for shorter girls would be helpful than real life, no?

Have tried many, paid/non-paid, with same outcome. And shorter women hilariously still generally prefer >= av. height men. It seems to be a major genetic thing. I shouldn't gonzo myself into this too much, as I've decided to give up on relationships altogether, so this isn't about me finding some site that'll work (not feasible IMHO, since real life is equally impossible), but rather whether people like me are being…

Remember that dating works much like a market. There is supply and demand, and since there are about as many men as women, the supply and demand is roughly equal. But in some places this ratio is not equal. I'm not sure about dating sites, but that could be such a place. Simplifying a lot: if there are 1000 women and 2000 men then the women will date the 1000 most attractive men, and the rest have basically no chance. You need to find a place where the numbers are reversed.

The good thing about dating being a market is that you can find somebody. The thing is that you have to place your standards around your level of attractiveness or lower. Contrary to the popular romantic image of a non attractive male dating a very attractive female, almost all relationships happen between people of very similar attractiveness. You may be less popular height wise, so you might need to compromise on an attribute that makes a woman less popular (e.g. weight or age). Perhaps you have decided that the compromises you would have to make are too great, and you'll rather stay single instead. That's fine too, but it's a choice.

You also have some control over your attractiveness. You have some control over physical attractiveness with clothes, sport and grooming. Fortunately for you, for men physical attractiveness and age are not of overriding importance they pretty much are for women. As you note, confidence and social status are also very important (see Berlusconi for an extreme example). These are things you can work on! Intelligence is important too, and you're probably already doing quite well on that front.

Re: A Million First Dates

#67

Post by mykosmos » Sat, Jan 05, 2013, 5:41 PM UTC

singular wrote: post #54

mykosmos wrote: post #50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Great post. Being a short yet confident man is way much more appealing to a woman than to be the 6' average joe.

Citation required? Women might say this, but in my experience it's simply not true. Like the whole 'love yourself so others can love you' line. Which is just B.S. in my experience. Having said that, I agree confidence makes a huge difference. However, the kind of confidence women like is in my opinion an unpleasant cocky kind. And should I attempt to completely change who I am, become somebody I dislike just to fulfi…

If you're sure that women will not like you on a sexual way, they won't. As sure as if you don't belive your startup to succeed, it won't. You've made a bad image of yourself that think he can't attract women and you find lame excuses in order to not try to change. Because trying to change and to be a better version of yourself is admitting that until now you were wrong and it is exposing yourself to failure. Do you realy think that your true self is the one that believe he can't atract woman ? If true, that's fine, but I don't think it's really your true self.

Re: A Million First Dates

#68

Post by victorhn » Sat, Jan 05, 2013, 5:45 PM UTC

singular wrote: post #27

For a certain subset (perhaps minority) of the population, these sites are nothing but a bait-and-switch. And I think dating sites attract many of us (as I am indeed a member of this subset.) I'm talking about people who lack the pre-requisites women require for mate selection which if not fulfilled, no other characteristics typically matter. Firstly - height - if you are significantly below the national average, you…

Have you ever tried to go for foreign girls? I don't speak from personal experience here, but i have read that girls overseas don't have that big checklist of requirements and still go for provider types. I would try in Eastern Europe or Latin America.

Re: A Million First Dates

#69

Post by snprbob86 » Sat, Jan 05, 2013, 5:47 PM UTC

danso wrote: post #16

This article is a good read, but this following excerpt is an angle I would love to see a more expanded look into: Indeed, the profit models of many online-dating sites are at cross-purposes with clients who are trying to develop long-term commitments. A permanently paired-off dater, after all, means a lost revenue stream. Explaining the mentality of a typical dating-site executive, Justin Parfitt, a dating entrepren…

OK Cupid's OK Trends blog had an article titled "Why You Should Never Pay For Online Dating", but they removed it after they were acquired by match.com, a paid dating site. You can Google around and find a few copies of the article.

Re: A Million First Dates

#70

Post by return0 » Sat, Jan 05, 2013, 5:47 PM UTC

singular wrote: post #27

For a certain subset (perhaps minority) of the population, these sites are nothing but a bait-and-switch. And I think dating sites attract many of us (as I am indeed a member of this subset.) I'm talking about people who lack the pre-requisites women require for mate selection which if not fulfilled, no other characteristics typically matter. Firstly - height - if you are significantly below the national average, you…

It's kind of frightening how fiercely modern (western) humans seek to turn their pairing ritual to a rigid, darwinian free market. Dating sites want to become the equivalent of online trading for the dating market, but they fail miserably due to the heavy assymetries in dating culture (traditional male-hunter role, competition among males etc.) - cultural norms that are very old and yet being upheld even after decades of feminism).

It's also odd how people tend to link their dating success to their personal worth.