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Being ambitious and being a dad

nicholascharriere.com

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Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#741

Post by wat10000 »

marknutter wrote: post #597
wat10000 wrote: post #584

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'd like to object to this hopefully unintentional suggestion that failing to understand it means you're a terrible person. I don't think I'm a terrible person. My kids are healthy, mostly happy, seem to be well adjusted. I support their physical needs, do my best to support their emotional needs. I read to them, changed their diapers, taught them how to ride a bicycle, help them with their homework, kiss them goodni…

Have you been diagnosed with depression at all?

Yes. Probably since my teens although diagnosed much later.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#742

Post by wat10000 »

Der_Einzige wrote: post #600
wat10000 wrote: post #146

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Nah, creepy weirdos care about “genetic legacy.” Normal people have no problem with adoption or stepkids or whatever.

International adoption is actually extremely controversial and full of abuse. Many countries have straight up banned it and basically declared that the folks who want to adopt outside of their borders are by-in-large "creepy weirdos" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_adoption

I don’t think that’s relevant to the “genetic legacy” crap. Non-international adoption fails just as much in that respect.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#743

Post by wat10000 »

the_af wrote: post #658
wat10000 wrote: post #548

Earlier quoted context omitted.

To offer a contrasting opinion, I was on the fence, went for it, and it was a big mistake. Unfortunately, it's impossible to be sure what it'll be like until you try it. And there's no undo button. I would strongly recommend not having children until you're absolutely sure you want to.

> I would strongly recommend not having children until you're absolutely sure you want to. That's good advice. I'll add the caveat that sometimes you cannot be entirely sure (few things in life are so clear cut), but if you truly hesitate, don't do it. Also don't do it for the sake of a partner who insists, or to save your relationship. Big mistake; children are neither bargaining chips nor bets that can pay off. If…

Yeah, I guess 100% certainty is not achievable. But it should be to the point where the thought is “hell yeah, let’s do this” rather than “I’m not so sure.”

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#744

Post by socalgal2 »

stephbook wrote: post #643
socalgal2 wrote: post #236

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't know what the right answer is but I do kind of feel this desire for equal effort might be misguided. My sister wanted to spend her time raising kids. Her husband less so. That is decision they made together. It's no different than any other difference. He like working on cars. She likes knitting. She doesn't require him to spend equal time on knitting and he doesn't require her to spend equal time on cars. Wh…

Those boarding schools make for some quality upbringing! "Winston Churchill would recall the floggings, done until pupils “bled freely” and screamed loudly. In “Such, Such Were The Joys”, George Orwell writes of being beaten so violently that his headmaster broke his riding crop and “reduced me to tears”." Sad little boys: the backlash against Britain’s boarding schools https://economist.com/britain/2023/05/28/sad-li…

Love your anecdata. Would you like me to list abusive parents as counter examples?

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#745

Post by dyarosla »

Gareth321 wrote: post #269
dyarosla wrote: post #227

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Kind of a strong statement there. Happy that fasting’s had such a positive influence on your life but: No: fasting has not been proven to extend lifespan in humans. Also no: exercise has been far more provably correlated with healthspan improvements than fasting.

You are more correct, but I think the truth lies somewhere between your statement and theirs. We have correlative evidence that lower calorie diets and/or fasting results in longer lifespans, improved insulin sensitivity, pancreatic cell responsiveness, blood pressure, oxidative-stress measures, and more, in humans. We also have animal testing showing causative evidence that fasting produces longer lifespans. Of cour…

You’re right of course, I was more responding to the very matter-of-fact “only known” phrasing.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#746

Post by ytoawwhra92 »

siren2026 wrote: post #691
mikemarsh wrote: post #688

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Any kind of accomplishment outside of having kids could also be boiled down to an "evolutionary" drive for status, power, belonging, etc. Why is this nihilist lens applied selectively to one pursuit and not others?

They should absolutely all be discussed. I just don't see a lot of rationale that supports that having kids is the "biggest accomplishment of a lifetime" though. There is inherently nothing very special, unique or difficult about it. It has always been the normal things that happen to most humans and animals since the dawns of time. If you respond to this, please use rationale and not feelings to describe why having…

There is no remembrance of former things, nor will there be any remembrance of later things yet to be among those who come after.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#747

Post by ytoawwhra92 »

siren2026 wrote: post #632
Derbasti wrote: post #252

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The passionate hunger to do something significant and meaningful with my life was a major reason I took care never to have any children. Raising kids is probably the most meaningful and significant thing I have done with my life.

When I hear people say this with all the morale high ground that comes with it I’m always wondering if it’s partially because of some hormonal changes. It has been proven recently that the human brain changes after having kids. I know you didn’t intend it that way but there are so many people that are extremely judgmental about having kids (or rather judging people that don’t have kids). I also understand that it’s s…

I mean the obvious retort to this is that until you become a parent all of your behaviour is probably driven by some deep evolutionary desire to demonstrate your suitability as a mate.

So we can dismiss opinions of non-parents as well.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#748

Post by zkmon »

koliber wrote: post #285
zkmon wrote: post #283

The so called human progress and advanced lifestyle made the simple and natural things such as having kids an adventure. Where did the "progress" go wrong? Why did it take us backwards in the very basic goals of human life and why is it still called progress?

I don't know if progress made it more hard to spend time with kids, on average. In older generations, men spent relatively little time with little kids. I don't know if it was social convention or lack of time. Either way, it seems that now a lot more dads are spending time with kids than 2 generations earlier. I agree that it is hard, but I would not paint a bleak picture.

Kids don't need dad's time. They observe and learn. Dad might minimally guide occasionally, but there shouldn't be an expectation for dads to sit with kids.

This kind of expectations makes it hard to have more kids.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#749

Post by ytoawwhra92 »

senkora wrote: post #196
quadrifoliate wrote: post #133

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The online discourse around this book can be kinda vitriolic (lots of examples of it starting arguments) Yeah, no wonder given that it starts with an unrealistic view that the average man is a lazy slob that sits around playing video games while his wife has to handle everything with children and the household. You keep waiting for her to mention that anything else might be possible throughout the book, but that ne…

Yeah... I do have some issues with the book. I think that the cards tend to be weighted towards things that women care more about, which naturally means that women end up being responsible for more of them. And different cards require different amounts of time to handle. The way that I’ve tried to handle this is to focus on equalizing “total time per week spent on managing cards”, which requires time-tracking but is…

My wife and I have a very simple rule, which is that both of us do tasks at the same time. No need to track time, no need to assign cards, and no resentment about one of us doing more or less than the other.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#750

Post by ytoawwhra92 »

socalgal2 wrote: post #236
handedness wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I would also add that, at least in my experience, those who are professionally ambitious and maximizing professional success, while being highly confident they are also succeeding at home, often have an inaccurate view of their home life. It's not until the kids are grown and openly fighting their demons that they realize the bargain that they made. It's that old adage of, anyone who thinks they're a great parent, pr…

I don't know what the right answer is but I do kind of feel this desire for equal effort might be misguided. My sister wanted to spend her time raising kids. Her husband less so. That is decision they made together. It's no different than any other difference. He like working on cars. She likes knitting. She doesn't require him to spend equal time on knitting and he doesn't require her to spend equal time on cars. Wh…

Generally the desire for equal effort applies to the things neither person wants to do.
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