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Being ambitious and being a dad

nicholascharriere.com

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Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#661

Post by connoronthejob »

nlitened wrote: post #554
Daneel_ wrote: post #530

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I fully empathise. It feels like my career went from upwards to a horizontal line. I have far less energy for work, for learning, and for the things I'm interested in. It's incredibly demoralising. I dread weekends and look forward to school drop-offs - what kind of life is that?

> It feels like my career went from upwards to a horizontal line. I have far less energy for work, for learning, and for the things I'm interested in. It's incredibly demoralising How do you separate how much having kids affects this, and how much of it is just being 30+ and not taking care of own health? I have a few childless friends who say the same thing word for word.

Like 95% kids.

I had a week where the kids were with Grandma and Grandpa. I got more done on a Wednesday after work than I did in the previous few weeks including weekends.

I don't think everyone needs kids and I don't subscribe to the 'moral high ground' of having kids, BUT I have zero sympathy for childless peers that think their life is too busy.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#663

Post by russelldjimmy »

JKCalhoun wrote: post #474
russelldjimmy wrote: post #275

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is very true :) I used to think this way, and then I realised that I actually want to be famous and respected. After some time, I realised that I just wanted the approval of people. And finally I realised all I wanted was to feel loved and cared for.

Or perhaps you simply just wanted to finally love yourself.

Indeed that seems like the next logical step

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#664

Post by Jtarii »

thunspa wrote: post #580
faeyanpiraat wrote: post #440

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I kinda agree with you but Could you please elaborate on “ having kids does all the good things in life at once” as I dont see how is that so straightforward. I’m actually currently really conflicted on the idea whether I want or dont want kids.

The replies in this thread are already very good. I'm a dad of two, but I won't add anything more than that you will be hard pressed to find a parent who will regret having children. I understand the bias in it, but people can be persuaded into honesty and, under anonymity on this website, are more likely to be honest about such things.

>you will be hard pressed to find a parent who will regret having children

It is such an extreme social taboo to admit you regret having your children that even if you find someone that does you would never know.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#665

Post by tropdrop »

qooiii2 wrote: post #98

"Behind every great man there's a great woman." I thought I was killing it at work and as a dad when I was answering emails about complex bugs while hiking with my first kid riding in a backpack. But then I quit working to be a full-time dad for kid #2 and found out how much work my partner had been doing that I didn't know about. I suddenly understood why so many of the men at my former workplace had been divorced.…

I identified with this article despite being a new mom rather than dad. I was minted in the ambition track and have alighted on work I find meaningful.

I still wake up with a burning fire in my stomach for my work. This was dulled somewhat the first few months postpartum; it wasn't entirely gone, but it felt like a different person had taken over the reins, one who only cared about the baby and nothing else. Now the fire is back.

I do not know how to navigate this at all. As the author of the linked article searches for good father figures in vain, so do I. The search feels even more difficult. Everywhere I am met with young mothers who confess that whatever meaning they felt from their work feels like a distant shadow of what they feel with their child, and that they are only too happy to stay home. The other direction includes women who are militantly childfree, or who offload an unacceptable level of hours onto hired labor.

I wholly agree with the author's main thrust: for some people, the ambition is still there and unhelpfully competes with the ambition to be a perfect parent. When the expectation for mothers is as high as it is, the situation feels impossible; it feels as if you're doomed to either traumatize your children or renege whatever great potential you were told you had all your life.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#666

Post by xp84 »

Apocryphon wrote: post #190
xp84 wrote: post #183

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's not like people had an established career when they had kids at 19 in the 1940s. They just didn't view "being halfway to a comfortable retirement" as the prerequisite to having kids, the way my generation thinks it is.

The difference likely there is in the ‘40s you were seeing improvement after the Great Depression and employment during WWII, followed by the postwar boom. Whereas the past two generations have seen precarity increase while living standards falter if not drop compared to their parents’ generation. So they are striving to recreate what they once experienced in their childhood, yet may never return. Also the entirety o…

People had kids even in the 30s, too. During tough times, we have to work harder and endure more adversity. Our great grandparents understood this just fine. In western countries, current generations (including my own) are incredibly soft, and expect that because they know boom times existed before, we are simply owed an equally easy time automatically — but in reality, there are often external factors that just don’t allow that to happen.

Contrast China, for example. 1950-1990 was not a 40-year prosperity party like it was in America and Western Europe. Therefore, they are at least twice as willing as we are to grind, and as a result multiplied their economy an astounding amount over the past 35 years. You can see the same thing in many development countries today. They take nothing for granted.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#667

Post by russelldjimmy »

CocaKoala wrote: post #630
alphabeta3r56 wrote: post #337

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thanks for the answer. And I understand that. But for me, that answer is potentially a very biased answer. Is it a feeling that comes naturally or is it forced in the sense that you realise you are everything for the kid and the kid is everything for you and both you the kid have no other choice. Talking to a lot of people (bit you) i felt it was more the latter.

I think it comes mostly naturally. Babies have no guile or instinct to deceive; they literally can't even conceive of doing so because their worldview just isn't developed enough. So when your baby cries, you can have absolute faith that it's because there's some problem that needs solving or need that is unmet, and then you can go and solve the problem, fill the need, and the baby is happy. And when the baby's happy…

This was so heartwarming and relatable. Thank you for sharing!

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#668

Post by dinkleberg »

glerk wrote: post #660
spicyusername wrote: post #398

The older I get the more I realize ambition and "being ambitious" is a completely misplaced way to orient your life. The chance of validation from others is not a good reason for making one choice or another and a life made of choices of that kind will eventually leave you spiritually bankrupt. Make decisions based on what you're passionate about, based on what will bring and keep meaningful relationships into your l…

> The older I get the more I realize ambition and "being ambitious" is a completely misplaced way to orient your life. The older you get, the closer you get to being a corpse. That's not something to be proud of :) I don't necessarily disagree with the rest of your comment in spirit, but you are conflating "ambition" with "seeking validation from others". The most passionate and driven people I know are intrinsically…

That is one way to look at it. But equally, the older you get, the longer you've fought off becoming a corpse.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#669

Post by selimthegrim »

sho_hn wrote: post #39

Many years before becoming a Dad, I recall watching a video recorded by the Penny Arcade web cartoon folks while working where they reflected on both becoming fathers and asked themselves if it had been a net drain on their productivity and creativity. They both concluded (not quickly, they discussed it) no , because it forced both of them to level up their time management game, quit whining and learn to get on with…

What's the old cult video game?
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