I love you, dad • Hacker News Board

Re: I love you, dad

#71

Post by bad_user » Thu, Dec 13, 2012, 7:44 PM UTC

mnicole wrote: post #13

speeder wrote: post #7

I am very happy that my parents are married to each other, and my alive grandparents too, and that they don't have issues like this (what my father "abuse" is coca-cola, he rarely drinks, and noone smokes). And I am very sad to see that all other families are crumbling. I am seeking a girlfriend that wants to be a mother, and I am not finding, most of them are self-centered, and come from divorced families, the only…

Coming from a broken home impacts everyone differently, and particularly when you end up raising yourself (and your siblings). The idea that someone doesn't want to be a mother because they're self-centered is very far from the truth. They are more likely to be aware of their vulnerabilities and the fear that they will end up like their parents. Worse, they may have long-term damage (or mental health issues that plag…

It depends on the individual and her specific background, but for instance for girls of mothers that suffered from domestic violence there's a very high probability they'll end up with a violent husband, even though they keep telling themselves that they won't. Forgot how this syndrome was called, and this iPad is awful for doing Google searches.

Basically we are doomed to repeat many of same mistakes as our parents. You do have a certain control over your life, but eternal vigilance and self-awareness is required. I keep seeing this every day, as I'm now a father too. For example my father was a workaholic that didn't have much time for me. He was also very critical of other people's mistakes. I tend to repeat these same mistakes, even though I make an effort not to, but sometimes I just can't help myself.

It really depends on the individual though. I have at least one friend coming from a broken home and he's one of the most balanced individuals I know.

Re: I love you, dad

#72

Post by speeder » Thu, Dec 13, 2012, 7:46 PM UTC

king_jester wrote: post #27

speeder wrote: post #7

I am very happy that my parents are married to each other, and my alive grandparents too, and that they don't have issues like this (what my father "abuse" is coca-cola, he rarely drinks, and noone smokes). And I am very sad to see that all other families are crumbling. I am seeking a girlfriend that wants to be a mother, and I am not finding, most of them are self-centered, and come from divorced families, the only…

If you want to have kids and want a partner that is into that, that's fine. However, being self-centered and wanting to be a parent aren't mutually exclusive, as I have met adults whose parents were/are extremely self-centered and that factored in heavily into the abusive situations those adults lived in when they were children. > And I am very sad to see that all other families are crumbling. I'm not really sure wha…

I know lots of self-centered people that are parents.

What I mean is that it is hard to find women that actually WANT to live a life of sacrifice, living for the family, instead of living to themselves.

I've met some women that when I ask if they want to be mother they say:

"Oh, sure!"

And then I ask:

"So, when you have your 4 months old kid, you will stay at home to take care of it if your husband is rich enough for that?"

And then most of them reply:

"Hell no, the kid can stay in the creche, or watching TV with the babysitter, I must work."

Funnily, I have a friend that insists that she will even have a kid using sperm bank, and she will take care of that kid alone, yet she hates her mother because she feels her mother did not gave attention enough to her (her mother is a divorced lawyer, and the girl was cared by the house cleaning lady that lived in the house, when she has problems she still talk to that lady instead of her mother).

Re: I love you, dad

#73

Post by diego » Thu, Dec 13, 2012, 7:47 PM UTC

jbail wrote: post #6

That gave me chills. I'm constantly impressed by people that have the ability to share their personal life with the world in an honest way that reveals the vulnerabilities we all share as humans. It is so much more refreshing than the opposite, where we pretend our lives are perfect and we never experience moments of doubt or melancholy. It is rare to see someone make a post like this. This is precisely what makes it…

You may be interested in my post from yesterday.

http://longposts.com/1990082

Re: I love you, dad

#74

Post by ColinWright » Thu, Dec 13, 2012, 7:47 PM UTC

gknoy wrote: post #66

ColinWright wrote: post #57

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Having a kid is easier than falling off a log, > it just takes time. Wrong, and to say so like that demonstrates both ignorance and a significant lack of sensitivity.

I think he's correct. Being pregnant and giving birth is tremendously challenging (and rewarding, to many), but is a drop in the bucket compared to the entire rest of your life being about Not You. Not only do you face the constant lack of sleep, but you now have to worry about financial planning, raising the kid to be a good human, etc. Having a kid is easy. Raising a kid (well) is hard.

Sorry, but you too are showing breath-taking ignorance and considerable lack of sensitivity and tact, even with the clues staring you in the face.

Let me be just a little more blunt - it's not only the case that for some people having children is not easy, but in addition, it's a big deal that they CAN'T HAVE CHILDREN.

Now, have you got the point?

Re: I love you, dad

#75

Post by colmvp » Thu, Dec 13, 2012, 7:47 PM UTC

"I now have an entire life to live without him existing." Beautiful but sad words.

Re: I love you, dad

#76

Post by bstahlhood » Thu, Dec 13, 2012, 7:50 PM UTC

Notch, I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. You are strong. Thank you for all your awesome contributions to the the gaming and programming communities.

Re: I love you, dad

#77

Post by speeder » Thu, Dec 13, 2012, 7:54 PM UTC

king_jester wrote: post #27

speeder wrote: post #7

I am very happy that my parents are married to each other, and my alive grandparents too, and that they don't have issues like this (what my father "abuse" is coca-cola, he rarely drinks, and noone smokes). And I am very sad to see that all other families are crumbling. I am seeking a girlfriend that wants to be a mother, and I am not finding, most of them are self-centered, and come from divorced families, the only…

If you want to have kids and want a partner that is into that, that's fine. However, being self-centered and wanting to be a parent aren't mutually exclusive, as I have met adults whose parents were/are extremely self-centered and that factored in heavily into the abusive situations those adults lived in when they were children. > And I am very sad to see that all other families are crumbling. I'm not really sure wha…

About crumbling families:

I am form Brazil, no-fault divorce was only allowed in the 70s (in comparison to US for example), and divorce rates rose very quickly.

Three years ago the divorce laws were made even more lax, and divorce rate tripled immediately (ie: one year after the law, the amount of divorce year-to-year was 3 times).

Most of my friends have divorced parents, I knew few people that actually have married parents, and frequently when people meet my family they say they are envious.

Also the marriage rates are plummeting too (and although the co-habitation rates are rising, it is not rising fast enough to compensate).

Re: I love you, dad

#78

Post by ruggeri » Thu, Dec 13, 2012, 7:56 PM UTC

Like others here, I was touched by the honesty of this. Thanks.

Re: I love you, dad

#79

Post by Yhippa » Thu, Dec 13, 2012, 7:56 PM UTC

speeder wrote: post #7

I am very happy that my parents are married to each other, and my alive grandparents too, and that they don't have issues like this (what my father "abuse" is coca-cola, he rarely drinks, and noone smokes). And I am very sad to see that all other families are crumbling. I am seeking a girlfriend that wants to be a mother, and I am not finding, most of them are self-centered, and come from divorced families, the only…

While I'm sad that you cannot find this ideal girlfriend (which I am also looking for) it's not a bad thing that you are at least finding out that they are self-centered. You want to find someone like yourself who looks forward to having a stable family.

Can you imagine marrying someone who's self-centered and you finally have kids? That could be disasterous. There could be lots of regret that you can't undo and you end up going down the path of divorce or worse.

Re: I love you, dad

#80

Post by kristofferR » Thu, Dec 13, 2012, 8:05 PM UTC

jacoblyles wrote: post #59

kristofferR wrote: post #54

Earlier quoted context omitted.

On the other hand - when you strongly discourage something and decide to make doing it wrong/immoral, you also make it very taboo and stigmatized to talk about, which can be incredibly dangerous. This is very obvious with illegal drug use and sex, problems related to them (drug addiction and unwanted pregnancies/STDs) are much higher in places where it is strongly discouraged, stigmatized and hard to talk about. Ther…

Alcoholics Anonymous famously has "turning your life over to a higher power" as one of their 12 steps. They also provide a very open community. They seem to have some success.

AA is actually about exactly what I'm talking about, they're about talking openly about your problems and receiving sympathy from others who either have similar issues or have overcome them without fear of being judged or looked down upon from others.

That being said I think scientific evidence-based solutions are generally a better option than AA. Don't get me wrong - I'm not disputing that AA certainly has helped a lot of people - but the statistics aren't looking great either.