"If you cannot make spending $99 dollars more appealing to your target audience than going to the pirate bay and messing around with sketchy-ass cracks, then frankly you just suck at selling software and really have little business doing it."
So..I should be forced to compete with someone making an exact copy of my software and giving it out for free? Does this make any sense to you?
Should hackernews.com be forced to compete with hackernews2.com, which is an exact duplicate?
"The people who pirate it are jobless students"
Do you have any evidence to back this up? Adobe has a student edition that can be purchased for almost nothing from many sites and it's all legitimate. Microsoft has these programs and also things like the bizspark/webspark programs. You can get free Microsoft software and all you need is an LLC (costs very little to create).
Your reasons don't really make sense anymore.
"with draconian DRM, or by not offering it on Steam, or whatever)"
Wow, we sure are in an entitlement generation. If you can't get exactly what you want, you take it upon yourself to just take it. I also can't really take anyone that uses the word "draconian" seriously.
The problem with your logic is that it never ends.
Look at the music industry: At first, it was because CDs were too expensive. The record companies responded by having 99 cent singles and very cheap music. Next, it was because the artists weren't being treated fairly. With the Internet, you can now release your music without any label.
Hell, even the infamous louis CK $5 comedy special was pirated like hell the day after it was released. It's very cheap, DRM free, and people still pirated the hell out of it. How do you explain this? The "Draconian" DRM? Too expensive? The bits weren't in the right order for the pirates' specification?
Piracy came first, not "Draconian DRM", so this is not a valid excuse as to why people are pirating, sorry.
"Gamers who are in the market for games buy games."
Your mindset isn't new and as a software developer (and business owner), I just need to change my business plan. Now, you will need to pay a monthly fee for my service instead of owning it outright. It stops piracy dead. I hope you enjoy paying a monthly fee for all of your software, because it's a world piracy helped create.
I'm sick of people like you that just can't be honest: you want free stuff and you aren't willing to use you hard earned money to get it.