Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Talking to strangers at the gym

thienantran.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

791–800 of 810 posts

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#791

Post by norome »

socalgal2 wrote: post #701
dweekly wrote: post #415

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My read on the book was "humans are really good at telling if you genuinely care about them or not and will respond well to that, so you should genuinely care about the people around you, and good things will result from that overall, especially if you're not super mercenary about it." Bill & Ted said it most pithily: be excellent to each other.

Serious question - what is your definition of "genuinely care"? The Carnegie example doesn't show "geninuely care" to me. It's nice, I think I should do it. Give people random but geninue complements. It's nice. It costs nothing. It makes both of us feel good. But, is that "genuinely care"? I ask because I'm bad at conversation. I hear this "genuinely care" and I just, usually, can't get myself to do it. I don't care…

I think when it comes to small talk and small moments with people, caring is meant literally. You care that they have a decent day, a brief nice moment. So in carnegie's example, he notices that the fellow looks bored, and he sees an opportunity to take care of him, in the form of a compliment.

I think your comment reflects that you're waiting for someone to say or do something which will cause you to care. And that's effectively waiting to get something from them. You need to cultivate the sense that everyone in some sense has the same daily struggle, and be the bigger person who strives to alleviate some of that loneliness and suffering in others.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#792

Post by pjerem »

sebastiennight wrote: post #653
pjerem wrote: post #259

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's pretty easy to read (but disclaimer : I read the french translation) but it's still nothing more than a list of useful advices on the topic. So the prerequisite is that you have to be interested by the idea of the book in the first place. But if you are, it's nothing more than a big blog post (a good one).

Thanks, that's doubly helpful ; I was thinking of gifting the French version and was also concerned the translation might be subpar.

No it's ok, it reads like every american self-help book translated in french. The writing style is pretty bland but it's easy to read and the only difference with most of self help books nowadays is that the advices are actually good.

The good thing about the absence of style is that the book doesn't feel dated and could have been wrote yesterday.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#793

Post by Kiro »

nathanielks wrote: post #752
Kiro wrote: post #490

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No, it's on you. You can stop before you even begin by simply not interrupt and bother people for no reason. You're creating a problem and then blame me for not stopping it.

You realize _anytime_ someone needs to talk to you would qualify as interrupting and bothering someone else? Your expectation is unreasonable. Good luck with that.

Not the same thing. You literally want to interrupt me randomly on the street for entirely selfish reasons.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#795

Post by solomonxiexie »

Just go to church, tons of chances to make genuine friends. Won't be despised if don't have same believe, they would only hope you had, but doesn't matter to making deeper connections. I saw non believers joined our young adult group just to social and hang out, it's perfectly fine.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#797

Post by alecco »

ignoramous wrote: post #441
alecco wrote: post #420

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I hope you enjoyed the hormonal reward you got when you copy-pasted that amazingly deep proverb. Let's expand on it a bit. Is the world a mirror to street salespeople? Is the world a mirror to stalkers? To sociopaths?

> amazingly deep proverb You misunderstand. You can't claim to speak for all "mature" & "cultured" people. That is, who gets to judge those who don't conform to one specific observed / inferred worldview, aren't "cultured" or "mature" enough? (if it wasn't clear, this question isn't an invitation to debate). > Let's expand on it a bit. Is the world a mirror to street salespeople? Is the world a mirror to stalkers? To…

Yes, they are loaded, that's the point. It's a rhetorical method to (hopefully) make people consider that point of view.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#798

Post by wallst07 »

alwaysdoit wrote: post #391
helterskelter wrote: post #354

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Hah. I'm ADHD and I used to be terrible about remembering people's names -- like, their names didn't even register and I couldn't tell you what it was 30 seconds later. It wasn't that I didn't care about the person, it was just that their name would never stick. Anyway, I finally made enough people feel bad and embarrassed myself enough that I started compensating and made a point to remember basically everybody's na…

I wish the protocol was to introduce your name about 5-15 minutes into the conversation because then I would have some other information to attach it to. When it's the first piece of information I receive I think my brain just doesn't really know where to put it and it gets lost immediately. The "use their name several times in the first conversation" trick is a good workaround for this.

What I do now with people I meet the first time, is finish with some sort of:

"I'm sorry what was your name again, I'm xxxx"

I find that 99% of the time, the person I talk to has the exact same issue of remembering names, it's not ADHD for the most part, its common.

So this line gives us both an opportunity to remember names, and I take the pressure out of them to remember mine.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#799

Post by talkingtab »

llbeansandrice wrote: post #551
talkingtab wrote: post #506

I have found three strange and unexpected avenues for interacting with people. 1. Be on a quest. Yes a quest. I was trying to buy an old metal key as a gift for a friend. I wanted to find someone who sold sheep's milk (for making cheese). If you are on a quest it gives a context for an interaction. You both have something to talk about and it you both have an out: the answer. People almost always help you with a ques…

I read something a while ago that talked about this. Friendships are solidified mostly by asking for help. It shows the other person that you trust them and people are often honored that you would do so. Even if the request is small. So being on a quest is a great approach! You often need help and are in a discovery phase where you need to interact with people. Even if the interactions don’t go anywhere most of the t…

You put this really well. I have been considering that communities are based on mutual benefit. But I had not considered "mutual help". It makes me think of how people who have been in combat talk about the incredible bonds that are unlike anything in normal life.

What you wrote is that "Friendships are solidified ..." but I wonder if the same is true "communityship". They are solidified when you are helped not out of person to person relationships but from community.

I know in my small adopted town I have gotten and given help not because I know the person but because they are part of my community as am I.

I wonder if this is something that is missing for many people?

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#800

Post by BryanBigs »

JohnBooty wrote: post #630
SoftTalker wrote: post #275

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think it's quite clearly the second part of the title. If it was just "How to Win Friends" it might be something more people don't dismiss just based on the title. "... and Influence People" makes it sound like that's the purpose of befriending someone, i.e. getting them to do what you want, or to do something for you.

"Influence" is a perfectly neutral term. Martin Luther King Jr. influenced people. Gandhi influenced people. Mozart influenced people. Your favorite teacher influenced you.

One of the main points of human existence is to influence people....in a good way.
Post reply on HN