Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Talking to strangers at the gym

thienantran.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

141–150 of 810 posts

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#141

Post by codelikeawolf »

alexmuresan wrote: post #98
mtlynch wrote: post #80

One of the things I like about this is that OP is giving people genuine compliments without any particular agenda. It reminds me of one of my favorite parts of How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, where he tells a story about complimenting someone, and a student asks what he was hoping to gain from offering the compliment. Carnegie is incensed: > I was waiting in line to register a letter in the…

I avoided this book for a long time. for some reason I got it in my head that it's a sort of red pilled book that teaches you how to manipulate people. I know it's very shallow on my side, but I somehow crystallized this opinion based on a few acquaintances that claimed to read it and instead that they include the name of a person they just met in every sentence because it made that person like them more. Your commen…

I was in the same boat for a while, but I gave it a shot several years ago when I was doing a lot of driving every day and was powering through audiobooks. This might sound a little hyperbolic, but it actually ended up changing my life in a lot of little positive ways. For example, I used to work with a guy that got made fun of for some of his interests (nothing harsh or super hurtful, just poking fun). I was always really supportive of what he was into and asked questions about it. I wasn't trying to get anything out of it, I just remembered the book and thought it's nice to be nice. When he got married about a year into us working together, I was the only one from our job that he invited to his wedding.

> This rant about radiating happiness towards people without expecting something in return...

This was one of my main takeaways from the book. I would argue that you do get some things in return: richer relationships with the people you already know, pleasant encounters with people you may not know well, and increased enthusiasm for your own interests compounded by hearing someone else explain how enthusiastic they are about their interests.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#142

Post by NickC25 »

Just ask for a spot when you see someone available.

You humble yourself, you grow as a person by practicing communication, and you get to try to lift a little heavier as you know someone is there to help you when you eventually fail a rep (which is important if you're trying to bulk or get stronger). You thank them after and maybe even give/get a fist bump. That's it. Do this often while being mindful of people and their own workouts. One day, someone will ask YOU for a spot. Oblige.

Asking for a spot is absolutely a frequent and everyday occurrence at pretty much any gym. Most people are actually pretty honored when they are asked to spot someone's PR attempt.

You don't really have to make a ton of small talk unless both parties are open to it, but you'll get to know the regulars who will eventually talk to you.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#143

Post by KellyCriterion »

mghackerlady wrote: post #41
codeulike wrote: post #33

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But I hear that with Gen Z and Alpha they dont really go to bars but they do tend to go to the gym, and so the gym is becoming a more social space. So maybe OP is on the right track? https://www.theguardian.com/society/2025/may/15/why-gym-plac...

at least in the US, gen alpha wouldn't really be allowed in any bars which is honestly part of the problem source: I'm on the younger end of gen z and I can't drink yet

> I can't drink yet

being on the older end, I can ASSURE YOU that you do not miss anything if you do not drink/cant drink right now.

Though, it took me some decades to realize this :-(

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#144

Post by triceratops »

alexmuresan wrote: post #98
mtlynch wrote: post #80

One of the things I like about this is that OP is giving people genuine compliments without any particular agenda. It reminds me of one of my favorite parts of How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, where he tells a story about complimenting someone, and a student asks what he was hoping to gain from offering the compliment. Carnegie is incensed: > I was waiting in line to register a letter in the…

I avoided this book for a long time. for some reason I got it in my head that it's a sort of red pilled book that teaches you how to manipulate people. I know it's very shallow on my side, but I somehow crystallized this opinion based on a few acquaintances that claimed to read it and instead that they include the name of a person they just met in every sentence because it made that person like them more. Your commen…

I've seen many people express the same sentiments about this book.

"The title made it seem shady and underhanded and manipulative. But then I read it and it just says to be a genuinely nice person with no agenda. Everyone likes to be friends with that kind of person."

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#145

Post by vincston »

jsksoswk wrote: post #109
alexmuresan wrote: post #98

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I avoided this book for a long time. for some reason I got it in my head that it's a sort of red pilled book that teaches you how to manipulate people. I know it's very shallow on my side, but I somehow crystallized this opinion based on a few acquaintances that claimed to read it and instead that they include the name of a person they just met in every sentence because it made that person like them more. Your commen…

Well, your instinct is right from the title. “influence” is a euphemism for “manipulate.” Affecting influence is subtle manipulation. A compliment about someone’s hair is great if you genuinely admire their hair. But if you read a book about influencing people and suddenly start complimenting people’s hair, time for some introspection.

I think this is a very subjective matter and depends on how negatively connoted someone's perception of the word 'manipulate' is. By your definition, I would consider 'studying/learning' also a form of manipulation.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#146

Post by mock-possum »

alexmuresan wrote: post #98
mtlynch wrote: post #80

One of the things I like about this is that OP is giving people genuine compliments without any particular agenda. It reminds me of one of my favorite parts of How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, where he tells a story about complimenting someone, and a student asks what he was hoping to gain from offering the compliment. Carnegie is incensed: > I was waiting in line to register a letter in the…

I avoided this book for a long time. for some reason I got it in my head that it's a sort of red pilled book that teaches you how to manipulate people. I know it's very shallow on my side, but I somehow crystallized this opinion based on a few acquaintances that claimed to read it and instead that they include the name of a person they just met in every sentence because it made that person like them more. Your commen…

It’s been a while since I read it, but I don’t remember it being particularly preachy about why you’d want to make friends or influence people - whether you were doing so out of some nefarious manipulative reason, or out of the genuine human goodness of your heart - I think it’s more just about how to do so.

And the ‘how’ generally revolves around just being nice to people - being kind, taking care, noticing, being generous and observant and engaging. The whole idea is that you are good to them, which means they’ll be good to you.

All of which I was already intimately familiar with - I actually don’t think I read anything new in that book, it all seemed like pretty standard stuff… but then again there will always be stuff that seems obvious to you, and it a revelation to others.

I certainly think you could do much worse than treating others according to how that book instructs.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#147

Post by nasir »

shevy-java wrote: post #97
nasir wrote: post #27

Around 15 years ago I took on the challenge to start a conversation with random people to break through this barrier and train this muscle. What I started with was to chit chat with those I had already established an interaction. For example at the Starbucks I would say something to barista. Those interactions were short but broke the ice. Later I went for random people in the street and that was quite awkward. There…

> Fast forward to today, I can literally talk about anything to anyone. Try me! Though it is a social skill indeed. But there are some people who are always weird, so I don't buy into the "I can talk to anyone" claim. For me it is easiest to talk to people who are like the dude in the big lebowski. People who rarely upset about anything. The true hipsters.

haha the dudes are of course the best. when I say "I can talk to anyone" it doesn't mean "Everyone will talk back to me". Which is fine and I don't care. For what its worth I'm glad not to have to talk to boring people.

What I want is to have a laugh or an interesting intellectual conversation.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#148

Post by palmotea »

gib444 wrote: post #117
dijit wrote: post #84

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> ... OP is giving people genuine compliments without any particular agenda. It takes some effort to be good at doing this, if people aren't used to getting any kind of compliment then it can land as super awkward. (hint: avoid commenting on peoples physical appearance directly, always clothing, or hair, make-up, jewellery/watches -- or ideally how they handle themselves) The "trick" is confidence, knowing in yoursel…

Funny how different our experiences are > "How are you today" → "Better, now you're here" -- Isn't cheesy, if you mean it. To me that's super creepy. It's like a cheap pickup line. It's only something I'd say to someone I'd been dating a while. > avoid commenting on peoples physical appearance directly Gym bros love compliments on their muscles. It has to come across as "bro to bro" and not with a "broad genuine smil…

>> Once you get the hang of it you can make peoples days genuinely better effortlessly, by just saying the positive thing that you're thinking.

>> "How are you today" → "Better, now you're here" -- Isn't cheesy, if you mean it.

> To me that's super creepy. It's like a cheap pickup line. It's only something I'd say to someone I'd been dating a while.

Really, if the person actually means it? I think that's the key point.

I think that particular line would come off as creepy pickup line if it came from a stranger, who couldn't possibly mean it except in the most superficial way. I don't think it would come off that way if your relationship with the person is such that it's plausibly true and they don't overuse it.

On that last point, if you actually want to do something like this, I feel like you'd have to have familiar and confidence to use hundreds of phrases like that, for different situations. I'm reminded of an anecdote I read about Ronald Reagan: he was apparently known as being good with little quips and jokes. He apparently spent a huge amount of time working on them so he'd have something ready at any given time.

Full disclosure: I'm bad at complements and do none of this stuff.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#149

Post by agnishom »

johndhi wrote: post #135

Hell yeah. Observation: people act like this challenge is unique to the young generation, but it certainly affected me (millennial). It was a long, scary process of getting comfortable talking to people. It's still hard! And I have to re-learn it in different phases of life: >talking to people at school >talking to people in college >talking to girls at bars >getting over the idea that I don't/shouldn't talk to girls…

I agree but unfortunately there are more and more young people who seem to think that not doing this challenge is okay :(

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#150

Post by outime »

skrebbel wrote: post #102
outime wrote: post #21

If you want to build a relationship with someone, try asking them for a small favor rather than offering one first* (or, for example, making random small talk about the weather). Most people love to help and feel useful. If you're new to the gym or want to learn a new exercise, you can simply ask for help. It's something we'naturally do if we weren't so afraid of approaching strangers. *just paraphrasing a famous quo…

proper psychopath stuff this. seriously just be nice to people. OP gets it right.

It might be psychopathic behavior to make things up just to ask for help, but that's not what I'm saying (and you can see the rest of the thread for reference). What I mean is that one of the many ways relationships are formed is through collaboration, rather than small talk about irrelevant things that 99.9% of the time leads nowhere. Be the first to help, or ask for help when you genuinely need it. There's nothing psychopathic about that, this is as human as it gets - you'll observe the same behavior with certain animals.
Post reply on HN