Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

nate.leaflet.pub

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

161–170 of 390 posts

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#161

Post by throw4847285 »

All over this thread people are saying things like, "this doesn't describe somebody who is anti-social, it describes a narcissist" or "I'm not anti-social, I am asocial." And it makes me think about internet discourse around neurodivergence and human diversity (not the racist dog whistle) more closely.

It seems that the models that dominate are ones which sort people into categories that emphasize positive traits and explain away negative ones as, "Society demands X but I just need Y." This is an important corrective to the medicalized model, but sometimes I feel it obscures the degree to which people are malleable. A lot of our behavior is habitual, and if you change your habits, you can change your "personality" without rewriting your own temperaments.

The other problem is one of causation. A group of people could all describe themselves as asocial, but what drives them to that label is entirely different. One legitimately needs less social interaction, one is riddled with social anxiety and has developed a deeply avoidant response, and one just hates people. They may be unified in feeling out of place in some social interactions, but what they need (or even don't need) is entirely different.

I don't know. I couldn't sleep last night and this is all I could think about. What does that make me?

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#163

Post by [deleted] »

bityard wrote: post #57
reactordev wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As someone who identifies as autistic, I learned to smile and just listen. I’ll ask questions and try and put my little anecdotes in but for the most part I just let other people talk. Works reasonably well. I usually run afoul when the situation is serious and I show up with my smile.

As someone who is not autistic, just tends towards very socially awkward, this is what I do as well. Active listening is a skill I developed by accident out of not having much to contribute to most conversations. As time went on, I saw that most people appreciate just being heard and worked on it more deliberately. It's not all puppies and rainbows of course, because some people can't hold a conversation without bein…

[deleted]

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#164

Post by Pay08 »

armchairhacker wrote: post #31
Sol- wrote: post #22

This seems to be a very peculiar and adversarial interpretation of anti-social. I am relatively anti-social and consider this a bit of a character flaw, but would generally say that I do not assume the worst in others and am relatively introspective. It just doesn't come naturally to me, but that does not mean that I think less of others.

You’re probably “asocial” Asocial = avoids people, quiet, misses social cues. i.e. doesn’t attract people Antisocial = cruel, obnoxious, remorseless. i.e. actively repels people

Sociopaths don't actively repel people. In fact, they're quite good at attracting them.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#165

Post by jgbmlg »

duskdozer wrote: post #84
arowthway wrote: post #51

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What does "being yourself" even mean? Obviously not "acting the exact same way you act when alone", since this would be impossible/weird/rude/illegal but also not "acting intuitively without overthinking", since the socially anxious person's intuition is to run away.

>Be yourself (well, as long as you aren't like that , IYKYK)

Know thyself. The first step in being your better self. This pithy piece of advice has been repeatedly given throughout history no doubt predating its being chiseled onto the Temple of Apollo around 2500 years ago. Humanity probably has no better advice. Although "Never trust a fart" is a close second.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#166

Post by stronglikedan »

justonceokay wrote: post #42
foo12bar wrote: post #33

How about the old fashioned freezing with a face contorted in fear like your being held at knife point unable to think of anything to say and just waiting to be able to leave? When you get asked a question, fumble over your words and say something stupid. Later on, you can reflexively watch the memory played over and over again so you're even worse the next time. If you see anyone you met during the encounter afterwa…

If any one single interaction makes you have such a response, that might be a reason to see someone. I wish for everyone to be able to move through the social world with grace and ease. Put less kindly: there’s nothing so special about you that being yourself around a new person should cause such a panic. Even if they take an instant dislike to you, that should be something you can take in stride

No one can stop the replay, so there's no use in seeing anyone about it. We eventually just learn to cope, and try not to lie in bed at night replaying all the day's awkward social situations.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#167

Post by legacynl »

SkyeCA wrote: post #141
svnt wrote: post #107

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your response assumes a lot about the homogeneity of subjective human experience that the data don’t seem to support. There is a diversity of physical attractiveness, innate and learned social grace, social environment, and phenotypic variability in psychosocial capacity that makes your comment sound extremely out of touch to some people. I can do what you describe because I am fortunate that many of my social intera…

> and the tragedy is that every mistake they make compounds this This is correct and I'm convinced there comes a point where there's no way out. The vast majority of social experiences in my life have been negative and it gets worse every time I have another, making it less likely the next will be positive. Rather than continue to get hurt I have nearly 100% socially isolated myself, save for the internet. I work rem…

> This is correct and I'm convinced there comes a point where there's no way out.

My friend, things can always improve. Having mental health problems is hard, because you're ultimately using your own 'impaired' brain to analyze your own situation. Talking to a therapist is effective in breaking this, because it forces you to organize your thoughts into something coherent to explain it to your therapist. Only at this point will flaws in this reasoning become apparent.

If you cannot talk to a therapist (or otherwise a neutral person who doesn't judge you for what you say), you can try writing it down. Try to write down why you feel what you feel, what you feel when you talk to another person, what you think that others think and feel about you, how those feelings developed, how other people have been influential in your feelings, everything. Read it as if someone else wrote it down. What would you do in their situation? Do you agree with what you wrote down. If you come across holes in what you've written, try to revise that part, rewrite it to incoorporate for the criticisms.

> making it less likely the next will be positive.

Why do you think that's the case? If you throw a dice and it comes up on 1 three times in a row, that doesn't make it more likely that the next time it will be a 1 again. There's so many different people, it's as good as random what kind of interaction you will have.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#169

Post by reactordev »

ashtonshears wrote: post #26
bananaflag wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What about when people start making fun of you for being silent?

Given the context of the discussion is about lacking social cues, its not possible to know the social setting to give you specific advice. However, I would suggest considering if the ‘making fun’ is in casual conversation or truly adversary. In casual conversation of someone making jest about your lack of speaking, just smile and say you are having a good time listening and hanging out. If they are actually making fu…

Emphasis on that last part. Hurt people hurt people, don’t let them hurt you too.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#170

Post by Nemi »

ge96 wrote: post #123

I'm bad at this, not that I want to be. Well I'm bad at it with women. I go to these workplace happy hours and I just sit there in silence. Hard to relate to people talking about the house they own or kids since I don't have either. I know to be a good conversationalist you just gotta ask them questions. It's not good to be alone, I was in a car crash one time and my buddies pulled up on the scene and gave me a ride…

ok, so please don't take this wrong, but that last sentence was such a non-sequitur that I think I know what at least some of your problem is talking to other people.

EDIT: wait, I am going to go out on a limb and say that you meant "I was in a car crash of a conversation one time and my buddies pulled up on the scene and gave me a ride home."

Post reply on HN