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Having Kids (2019)

paulgraham.com

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Re: Having Kids (2019)

#141

Post by i_am_a_peasant »

I once had neighbors above me whose kids yelled all the time. all the time. and sometimes they were sick of the yelling and they put their girls outside of the apartment door. and she was just punching hard the door over and over and yelling “MAMAAAA!”.

Sure I feel sorry for the kids being distressed for one reason or another. but these guys did literally nothing.

There just has to exist someone on the planet for which the title “shit parents” does objectively apply no matter how you look at it.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#142

Post by eloisant »

jasonkester wrote: post #83
synergy20 wrote: post #38

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have a few kids, raising them is a mix of good and bad, like everything else. it took a toll on my career, pushed my temper to the edge, and stressed me out all these 20+ years, but I also enjoyed many moments. it does not go away when they got older by the way, it's a life long strong bond, at different phases there are different challenges. If I have a second life, I don't know what to do though, I probably will…

I probably will first make enough money before having kids at least. I think you’ve hit the key difference. I waited until I was 40 before having kids, and it just feels like I’m doing it on easy mode. We had time and money sorted out, and tons of free baby stuff donated from all our friends who had done it already. It’s still lots of work, but you’re at a place in life where you can handle it. I can’t imagine trying…

On the flip side, you'll still have a 20yo university student to take care of at age 60, while all your friends will have an independent adult child earlier...

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#143

Post by EvanAnderson »

jasonkester wrote: post #22

Before having kids, I expected it to be this huge life changing thing. That it would effectively end the part of my life where I was free to do whatever I wanted, and start the part where I was just Daddy, doing nothing except serving my childrens' needs. But that didn't happen. We just carried on being Jason and his partner, but with a baby in tow. I had spent most of my 30s cramming in as much "living" as possible,…

> Before having kids, I expected it to be this huge life changing thing. That it would effectively end the part of my life where I was free to do whatever I wanted, and start the part where I was just Daddy, doing nothing except serving my childrens' needs.

Had a very similar feeling. When my wife told me the "getting pregnant" worked I mourned a little bit. I recognize we were exceedingly lucky to have had such a wonderful kid, and it has worked out very well.

For the first 6 mos. a lot did change, but after that things seemed to skew back to a new "normal".

It will be 13 years in May since we had our daughter. I'm so glad we did it.

I know that it could have gone a lot differently, though. I'd never suggest that it'll be great for everybody.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#144

Post by eloisant »

dominotw wrote: post #112
raincole wrote: post #70

Earlier quoted context omitted.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Income_and_fertility > There is generally an inverse correlation between monetary income and the total fertility rate within and between nations. https://www.statista.com/statistics/241530/birth-rate-by-fam... > In 2021, the birth rate in the United States was highest in families that had under 10,000 U.S. dollars in income per year And a few thousands more links.

> How about “I love children but having kids is super expensive”? always surprises me when ppl say this when they clearly observe the opposite in action. whats going on here.

The highest income you have, the more pressured you are to give them an expensive education, activities, etc. Everyone want their kids to do at least as well as themselves.

So it's expensive no matter what income bracket you're in.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#145

Post by dzink »

roarcher wrote: post #135
jasonkester wrote: post #22

Before having kids, I expected it to be this huge life changing thing. That it would effectively end the part of my life where I was free to do whatever I wanted, and start the part where I was just Daddy, doing nothing except serving my childrens' needs. But that didn't happen. We just carried on being Jason and his partner, but with a baby in tow. I had spent most of my 30s cramming in as much "living" as possible,…

> We just packed the kid along and went traveling anyway. He had eleven stamps in his passport by his first birthday. How do you keep a baby happy and quiet on long international flights? I currently have no kids but I may find myself in this situation in the next couple years. I'm dreading being the guy with a screaming infant on a 13-hour trans-Pacific flight that keeps everyone from sleeping.

First two years they can fly for free, but they have to ride in an adult’s lap and that gets tiring. Don’t believe the bassinet offerings - as soon as a plane gets turbulence, you have to get the sleeping baby out of the wall bassinet and good luck appeasing them. Age 1-2 is hardest for travel, so you can skip it. The only thing that worked was getting their own seat with the cosco scenera next car seat (or their own if they like it, but that one is $50 and light to carry). They would sleep nicely for large chunks and you get to enjoy travel again. After age 3 it’s much easier (they can ipad if that’s the only ipad time they ever get).

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#146

Post by brightball »

drfloyd51 wrote: post #14

Before kids it was easy to judge bad parents. Then one day with child I found myself due to circumstances in a store way past my child’s bedtime. She was screaming and crying, because it was way past her bedtime. Then I realized… I was now “the bad parent” I had so easily judged. Then it was easy to judge parents with children younger than mine. Until I learned that not all children have the same issues in the same o…

I was the worlds best parent...before I had kids.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#147

Post by eloisant »

jen729w wrote: post #47

Kids aren’t for everyone. Please don’t guilt-trip people for not having them. (I know this article isn’t doing that.) https://wearechildfree.com/ Disclosure: Zoë is my cousin.

Of course people are free not to have kids... But I've always find it weird to "celebrates childfree lives".

And I'm frankly annoyed by the growing activism to ban kids from public places in the name of "adults quietness".

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#148

Post by brightball »

GlibMonkeyDeath wrote: post #106

Caveat emptor. I am a grandparent now, so I think I have some perspective on this. Of course we love our kids, and we had (and still have) a lot of good times with them. But kids can really break your life and marriage, too - amongst my peers I can't tell you how many have a struggling young adult kid or two (with relatively serious mental or physical health problems), with no resolution in sight. So stay lucky - hav…

The serious mental and physical health problems are real and a societal concern. Everyone "notices" the trends, but maybe it's not you so you just think there's nothing you can do about it and do your best to stay healthy.

Then you have a child and you are suddenly hyper-aware of everything going into the body and brain. Everything they eat, every doctor visit, every time they get sick and what could have exposed them, every word spoken on TV, every friend they have and how they act or how that friend passes along their parents influences, etc.

And suddenly you're very concerned about societal level macro influences on food, medical, etc because those influences are going to affect your child's life.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#149

Post by eloisant »

jorisboris wrote: post #51

I see a lot of different opinions here, from very positive to very negative. I think the answer is, it's both. When I was an employee sometimes I was happy, like when a promotion was lurking, and sometimes I was unhappy and stressed, when getting fired, when facing deadlines, .... But when I started working for myself the amplitude of emotions became way stronger, every week I would fluctuate between feeling doomed f…

People can also have very different experiences because kids can be very different.

My kids have been really easy, no big problems, but sometimes I see other parents dealing with really serious issues with their kids.

It starts with babies, some of them sleep easily while other cry all the time, to teenagers who can be nice kids with no problem at school to being called to the director's office all the time and have to seriously worry about their future.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#150

Post by socalgal2 »

drfloyd51 wrote: post #14

Before kids it was easy to judge bad parents. Then one day with child I found myself due to circumstances in a store way past my child’s bedtime. She was screaming and crying, because it was way past her bedtime. Then I realized… I was now “the bad parent” I had so easily judged. Then it was easy to judge parents with children younger than mine. Until I learned that not all children have the same issues in the same o…

I still judge parents, because I compare them to other parents.

Good parents = kids not 100% glued to phones/tablets, social around friends and family, not throwing tantrums at 8-16 yrs old.

Bad parents = kids always throwing tantrums, kids basically always getting their way because they've learned parents will always give in, parents and kids 100% ignoring each other.

One set of friends - I go to visit, I play with their kids - we go out to dinner, we interact with both adults and kids

Another set of friends - I go to visit, they sent their kids to their room - we go out to dinner, they give the kids tablets and they're entirely ignored for the whole time.

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