Ask HN: How to be alone?

First time I realised I was spiralling a bit and looked for a form of exercise I enjoyed, which was cycling, and getting into that, doing long-ish rides every so often, it really helped my outlook, I got a little fitter and it made me feel more positive. There are also cycling groups in most places that you can join, that make it more of a social activity, some more relaxed than others. It doesn't need to be cycling, but some sort of stimulating activity is always good, even better if it can casually involve other people.

Second time, I just spiralled into drinking too much, too often, and it wasn't healthy. So, you know, I'm only so good at following my own advice.

You've already identified the cliches - 'get a hobby' being a big one, but the thing is they are clichess for a reason. If you can find something that interest you outside of the house, you'll probably naturally meet people while doing it, get some interaction and improve your mood.

You could look into volunteering things that are going on in your local community. My local community does a 'planting day' each year where volunteers plant shrubs and trees in an area undergoing regeneration. There's some light socialising, you're doing something useful, it's good for you. They do various other volunteer days throughout the year, and they aren't a big, regular commitment that way.

I love games too, but IMHO they're really good as respite from other things, not as a replacement for social interactions.

In fact, purposeful practicing aloneness rewires the brain so that is normal (and enjoyable again).

After divorce, I felt lonely a lot, and didn't enjoy my alone time the way I did before. I made myself go to more social events, but that did nothing to help me enjoy my alone time again. It was avoiding the thing that "scared" me.

I tried meditation (alone), guided by books, but though it helped some, it was too easy to skip, and the reward seemed low.

But then ... I found a Zen meditation school and started sitting with them weekly. It felt good to see familiar faces even if I didn't get to "know them" in the typical way. Sitting was hard at first, because I could see just how obsessively busy my mind was. But focusing on the breath, even in the beginning, slowed the mind down enough that I could see that further down, there is a person that can appreciate the goodness in just being alive ... grateful to draw the next breath ... to be in this moment, not regrets about the past or fears of the future.

I slowly started to feel more connected to myself and then, and this was a surprise, to the things around me. And as I relax into what is, instead of my desire to control what happens to me next, I found I could listen to others better and feel more connected to them. I've even started feeling I can listen to my own feelings better and be a better friend to myself.

I'm guessing any regular meditation practice could do this. I've heard friends say they got this experience from going to yoga, so there is more than one path.

There's an extra I did not expect because its a Zen Buddhism group. There are regular, brief (3-5 minute) kong-an (or koan) interviews with the teacher, with puzzles that can't be answered with Western thinking. Seems like the only answers that satisfy me (and the teacher) come from a more spiritual "gut" level. Getting there seems to poke chinks in my old foundation of western, American, achievement, doing-centered thinking.

All the above is leaving me more open to being alone or being with people. Existence can be more satisfying when you don't need to hold a yardstick to it.

Regardless of whether my input is helpful to you, I hope you find a path that works for you. I believe you can.

Hope these help a bit!