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How to talk to anyone and why you should

theguardian.com

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Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#131

Post by mh2266 »

hluska wrote: post #53
k__ wrote: post #36

I usually avoid strangers, because those who talk to you are usually weirdos. Thing is, if normal people don't talk to strangers anymore, then only the weirdos are left, reinforcing the idea that only weirdos talk to strangers...

In my experience, only weirdos never speak to strangers. Social skills are easy, conversations are easy and strangers are just people you don’t know yet. I still can’t understand the point of this. Do you get a charge telling social anxious people they’ll be weird if they do their homework? That’s precisely what you did. Why?

I live in NYC. Maybe this is different in the suburbs. Nearly 100% of the people that approach me are trying to get something from me. Scam me, get me to sign something I don't want to sign, get me to donate my money to save the dogs/children/etc.

If someone on the street tries to talk to me, I try to avoid even looking at them or acknowledging them. They'll use that as an opening. Just keep walking.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#132

Post by barbs »

mattlondon wrote: post #47
k__ wrote: post #36

I usually avoid strangers, because those who talk to you are usually weirdos. Thing is, if normal people don't talk to strangers anymore, then only the weirdos are left, reinforcing the idea that only weirdos talk to strangers...

+1 In any major city it's probably 90% chance they're either a crook trying to scam you out of something or mentally not quite right. The remaining 10% will be tourists or people from outside of the major city.

In my experience that's not true at all, but I think a lot of people have that perception, which is sad.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#133

Post by mattlondon »

purerandomness wrote: post #107
mattlondon wrote: post #75

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Because it is this "talk to anyone " thing, like if they say no you just need to keep trying because really deep down they just don't know how nice you're being by giving them a chance to talk to you . It's supreme arrogance. Read the body language and just leave people alone. If someone is up for talking they'll show the obvious signs - facing you, eye contact, smiling, that sort of waiting-for-something look/expres…

> keep trying because really deep down they just don't know how nice you're being by giving them a chance to talk to you. I don't fathom what kind of trauma would lead you to take this positive, light-hearted advice to connect to fellow human beings, and to spin this into such a vile, evil, anti-social narrative. How does that help?

And that's precisely the point: you can't fathom what someone has been through.

Don't assume people want to talk. Respect boundaries, leave people alone.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#134

Post by mcdeltat »

As someone who has struggled with social anxiety over the years and has thought about this a lot, I have some thoughts.

It's all nice to imagine everyone talking to each other, but the reality is that in (western?) society, we have kinda collectively decided that socialisation is to be avoided. Either it's too weird, too boring, or too unsafe. I mean have you tried randomly talking to people? Most don't seem very open to it.

Also it doesn't help that the little "pretext" scenarios that can lead to socialising are being systematically eliminated from our lives.

And finally, if you're neurodivergent or otherwise aren't perfectly typical, enjoy people thinking you're weird anyway.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#136

Post by vector_spaces »

zerkten wrote: post #113
SequoiaHope wrote: post #11

After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people in the elevator. I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while leaving a botanical garde…

I found mixed results given underlying anxiety that hadn't been diagnosed at the point I was trying this. Talking to new people at work, while out pursuing hobbies, and around town, all accrued to more and better conversations. It was a much bigger struggle with conversations where I was putting extra pressure on myself. Being able to have those other conversations was helpful though. Eventually, I found a therapist…

Letting curiosity be the motivator behind starting these conversations and cultivating curiosity more broadly can help -- or at least I have found it to be helpful in making initiating feel less forced. I wonder about people's jobs or the reasons they are visiting a place or what they think about what's happening nearby, or just generally who they are.

One antipattern I've encountered with this approach tho is that sometimes anxious people will exhaust their conversation partners with a battery of questions. Even if thoughtful, this can sometimes have the effect of exhausting your partner, and tends to keep the conversation steered away from actual connection. YMMV, but either way be mindful and make it a point to share yourself

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#137

Post by caditinpiscinam »

It makes me sad that my reaction to this piece is so cynical, but I really think that 90% of the "how" in this article is "be an older British lady". If you're missing that vital piece you'll quickly meet many people who "don't have any money", or just remembered they meant to be walking on the other side of the street, or worse. Talking to strangers when people see you as a threat feels really shitty (for everyone involved) and can be dangerous.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#138

Post by galangalalgol »

dmd wrote: post #126
jibal wrote: post #114

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If it's obvious to you that everyone should be bothered by people being friendly then there's an error in your reasoning process.

I'm guessing you're either from the midwest US, or not from the US. Am I right?

I'm from the US and not the Midwest. Not rural either. If I'm clearly doing something it might bother me, otherwise I would find it nice to meet someone new. I have mild asd and large gatherings cause anxiety, but if I'm just sitting people watching or on a stroll, talking to one or two people wouldn't bother or stress me.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#139

Post by mptest »

danielodievich wrote: post #10

My recently deceased mother had a talent for talking to anyone at any time in any language. She's always been incredibly social and could establish connections with strangers very rapidly. One time she brought in a school teacher/sheep farmer from Dagestan selling yarn from his sheep's wool, she met him at the market and bought all yarn and asked if he had somewhere to stay before going back, and he didn't. He stayed…

I'm sorry for your loss. Beautiful memorial and portrait you painted though. Thank you for sharing.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#140

Post by Telaneo »

divan wrote: post #52

Does it work in Scandinavian countries?

I can't imagine it would, at least not without some (a lot of) social lube. Even bars might prove hard, since a lot of people there will be the regulars and other fixed groups who probably aren't interested in making friends. If you could join the smokers for a fag that might work out, but that doesn't happen any more since you can't smoke outside public establishments (which is fair, but it does remove a potential social arena).

It's reasonably possible at events. Cars and Coffee works great, since everybody wants to talk about their car. I doubt it will work at the dentist, since nobody really wants to be there in the first place. Maybe if they're wearing a shirt or something you can compliment or ask about and then can use that as a springboard?

If you're the dictionary definition of an extrovert you can probably still make it work, but you'll really stand out, and you'll be rejected a lot.

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