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How to talk to anyone and why you should

theguardian.com

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Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#61

Post by majormajor »

mattlondon wrote: post #47
k__ wrote: post #36

I usually avoid strangers, because those who talk to you are usually weirdos. Thing is, if normal people don't talk to strangers anymore, then only the weirdos are left, reinforcing the idea that only weirdos talk to strangers...

+1 In any major city it's probably 90% chance they're either a crook trying to scam you out of something or mentally not quite right. The remaining 10% will be tourists or people from outside of the major city.

You're confusing "asking people for something" with "talking to people."

Nobody wants randos coming up to them and asking for something.

Most people would be less lonely if everyone had more practice at making non-transactional conversation.

Actively avoiding conversation still qualifies as "weirdo" behavior to most people.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#62

Post by medi8r »

thrownawaysz wrote: post #60

or how to get labeled as a creep by every women joke or not (actually not) but read some women spaces and it's obviously a lot of people, especially women, just want to be let alone. Don't start talking with random people unless they start talking to you and it's consensual, simple as that.

Common sense applies. If someone is on a run, dont bother them. If you are in a queue I think make a comment is OK if theh respond keep talking.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#64

Post by majormajor »

tl2do wrote: post #38

I agree that expanding communication with strangers is important. But starting with "Do you mind if I sit here? Or did you want to be alone with your thoughts?" and then continuing a conversation for 10+ minutes is a real struggle for me. Sometimes I even wonder—how exactly does this kind of individual conversation actually help me? Maybe this is just me.

Yeah it'll be hard. But with a lot of practice it'll get easier. I think part of the practice is recognizing "they don't want me to continue this conversation" and bailing, vs trying to force every interaction to be a deeper conversation.

I never practiced "idle conversation with a complete stranger" like that because I was lazy. But I did practice making normal, non-sexual, conversation with women on dating sites and dates so that I could go from "isolated in school, then after going online, low response rate and never more than 1 or 2 dates" to someone in a long-term relationship. And recognizing that sort of "ok there's just not any interest here, move along" signal was definitely relevant there too.

Skills take investment.

My parents didn't give me nearly as many opportunities to practice these skills as they had when they grew up, and pop culture actively encouraged me not to talk to strangers as a kid, so I had to work harder at them as an adult. But it was worth it.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#66

Post by phatskat »

SequoiaHope wrote: post #11

After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people in the elevator. I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while leaving a botanical garde…

When I was staying with my older brothers, one of their magazines was along the lines of maybe a GQ but in the 90’s, iirc I was probably in middle school, and probably reading content a bit above my age level in terms of concept.

One of their articles though was about “talking to women” but it also emphasized just talking to _anyone_. It had suggestions like “if you’re out at the bar, just ask to sit with a random group, introduce yourself, and have a conversation.”

Many years later in college, I did indeed try this at a bar and was pleasantly surprised. I didn’t make any long term friends, or find a new partner, but I did really start honing the skill of being social with anyone. It’s hard, and especially for me and my social anxiety, it has also really helped me feel more comfortable in places unfamiliar and people unknown.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#67

Post by reddalo »

tl2do wrote: post #38

I agree that expanding communication with strangers is important. But starting with "Do you mind if I sit here? Or did you want to be alone with your thoughts?" and then continuing a conversation for 10+ minutes is a real struggle for me. Sometimes I even wonder—how exactly does this kind of individual conversation actually help me? Maybe this is just me.

>how exactly does this kind of individual conversation actually help me?

It doesn't. It just helps the speaker.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#68

Post by watwut »

hluska wrote: post #55
mattlondon wrote: post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

+1 In any major city it's probably 90% chance they're either a crook trying to scam you out of something or mentally not quite right. The remaining 10% will be tourists or people from outside of the major city.

Or they have social skills?

If they cone accross as mwntally ill, they dont have social skill. Per definition.

Scamming crools frequently do have good social skills, but of course there is that risk of being scammed if you talk to them.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#69

Post by hresvelgr »

thrownawaysz wrote: post #60

or how to get labeled as a creep by every women joke or not (actually not) but read some women spaces and it's obviously a lot of people, especially women, just want to be let alone. Don't start talking with random people unless they start talking to you and it's consensual, simple as that.

It's only creepy if you are a creep.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#70

Post by granfalloon »

mattlondon wrote: post #30

I hate these sort of things. Like everyone is just sitting there hoping, hoping for someone to strike up a conversation with them. Oh thank god someone has started a conversation with me! /sarcasm Respect people's boundaries please. Don't force yourself on people unless they're obviously willing participants. People put extroversion/introversion as like this binary, permanent thing that cannot be changed. In reality…

What's being "forced"? And what boundaries aren't being respected? If someone attempts to strike up a conversation and you're not interested, you can signal that. Or just be direct and say you don't feel like talking. Sure, that can be uncomfortable, but you can't expect humanity as a whole to repress its social nature just to spare you occasional, fleeting moments of mild discomfort. (And despite the wide spectrum of social inclinations -- I'm definitely on the introverted end -- I think it's accurate to say that humans, as a species, crave social interaction.)

In your ideal world, how would someone even signal they are a "willing participant" without talking to someone?

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