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I rebooted my social life

takes.jamesomalley.co.uk

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Re: I rebooted my social life

#241

Post by mmooss »

patall wrote: post #174
skeeter2020 wrote: post #161

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is generally known to be true for men. We have a much harder time connecting socially without some sort of shared activity or action. The OP isn't trying to project on to you. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S109051382... https://psychcentral.com/health/didactic-memory?utm_source=c... >> I have no data that it has to do with gender or sex, and why would it matter? The needs aren't predictable b…

While that may be true, there are exceptions. And hence I think parents comment is more inclusive to say: some people (that are overwhelmingly male) need activities to bond, while others (majority female) do not need that. (May not be the best example here but helps i.e criticising certain toxic behaviours that are somehow more linked to one sex without blaming everyone of that sex)

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Re: I rebooted my social life

#242

Post by socalgal2 »

alexpotato wrote: post #10

Back in 2019, got to go to Hong Kong for a couple months for work and got to bring my family. I was about to turn 40 and realized that the place we were staying had a rock wall. In a somewhat "mid life crisis" spur of the moment decision, I decided to go buy shoes, a belt and a chalk bag (I did a lot of indoor rock climbing in college). We get there and the rock wall is a. closed and b. only for kids. Get back to the…

This is awesome and I wish I had the courage to do it.

My experience is, in the USA, eventually nearly every meetup is ruined by politics. Eventually someone says something unintentionally trigging someone else and then off it goes.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#243

Post by [deleted] »

nunez wrote: post #177
6thbit wrote: post #91

I came to the same conclusions as the author. Then I tried something like this and failed to get people interested. It’s draining for me to reach out to try and convince people, not sure if the social anxiety or the lack of executive functioning. Any tips for someone that understands and wants community but struggles with the building process?

I'll answer your question with a question. In the past, I would have recommended finding a Meetup on some activity you enjoy. Meetup isn't as popular anymore (another victim of COVID and WFH culture), but the spirit of the idea is sound. Are there apps or services that fill that void these days?

[deleted]

Re: I rebooted my social life

#244

Post by y0eswddl »

xorcist wrote: post #224
izend wrote: post #65

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have had this discussion with my wife, men need activities more than women to bond. My wife can make friends just by randomly running into other women at events or my daughter's activities.

> men need activities more than women to bond Frankly, I don't know why more women doesn't center their social life around activities. It's an excellent idea. Seriously, what's not to like?

Honestly, as a non-sports loving male, it makes it much harder to build male friendships.

Not that its impossible, but the majority* of men get together to watch, play, or talk about sports the majority of the time... whereas I'm perfectly fine just hanging out where hanging out is the activity!

I eventually just stopped trying to invite most of my guy friends out for 1-1 meals, etc.

* hyperbole

Re: I rebooted my social life

#245

Post by redrix »

Wow the opening to this could have been written by me!

Solitude in your 30s (particularly as a DINK or SINK household) is dangerously addictive.

No need to leave the house… but it does lead one to feel disconnected more broadly over a prolonged period.

They’ll have to pry WFH out of my cold, dead hands; but I must say, the times I do travel to the office and spend a day chatting with people are incredibly energising (though also very unproductive!)

Re: I rebooted my social life

#246

Post by _yb2s »

mynameisash wrote: post #203
alexpotato wrote: post #10

Back in 2019, got to go to Hong Kong for a couple months for work and got to bring my family. I was about to turn 40 and realized that the place we were staying had a rock wall. In a somewhat "mid life crisis" spur of the moment decision, I decided to go buy shoes, a belt and a chalk bag (I did a lot of indoor rock climbing in college). We get there and the rock wall is a. closed and b. only for kids. Get back to the…

Two years ago, my son was REALLY struggling with his depression. Having tried almost everything, at the suggestion of his therapist, he tried cold showers. To show some solidarity, I decided we should do cold plunges into the ocean together. A guy that I was starting to become friendly with humored us and came with. Two years later, that guy and I are best friends, and we cold plunge every Saturday together. Just did…

Good to hear, I struggle with depression and cold plunges have been life changing for me also. I would love to find a community to do it with.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#247

Post by eastbound »

brightball wrote: post #183
alexpotato wrote: post #10

Back in 2019, got to go to Hong Kong for a couple months for work and got to bring my family. I was about to turn 40 and realized that the place we were staying had a rock wall. In a somewhat "mid life crisis" spur of the moment decision, I decided to go buy shoes, a belt and a chalk bag (I did a lot of indoor rock climbing in college). We get there and the rock wall is a. closed and b. only for kids. Get back to the…

I think people often underestimate how, for dad's in particular, there's a massive need for this. Prior to Covid, I'd started a Wednesday "Dad's Night" where we just got together from 9-10 in my backyard to hang out and have a beer. Eventually we'd move to random local pubs and often it would go to 11pm. It grew with consistency as people would invite other folks. Had one of the assistant basketball coaches from Clem…

I imagine lonely men seeing you playing basketball together on the street and thinking “How come I never make friends”…

> how, for dad’s in particular, there is a massive need for this

- Yes

- And also for single men at 45, because everyone’s busy and they feel like a failure for not having a family (meanwhile having a family is such an incredible performance)

- Teens. There is a massive loneliness epidemic among teens. At least we 40-year-olds have had friends before. But the iphonocene (the era of smart phones) has created a generation of people whose friends were always, constantly, busy with phones.

We play a game (whichyr.com) were we guess the year of random pictures. The first criteria is whether people are bent while walking. Not bent: pre-2013. Bent on the phone: Post-2013. It’s not the invention of the phone, it’s the usage of it.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#248

Post by WolfeReader »

bragh wrote: post #222
j45 wrote: post #165

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why does anyone need to be defensive about what someone has found for them? For example, studies have shown that men who decide to isolate themselves to be "family men" die earlier at age 58. It might not need to be a pub, but having a club house to do pretty much anything is enormously beneficial to the human brain to have positive social interaction. We get to decide our own social interaction. The world is not res…

> For example, studies have shown that men who decide to isolate themselves to be "family men" die earlier at age 58. Yes, but isn't it a benefit to society as a whole though? All the prime working years are gone by then and there is no need to pay pension to those men or for expensive medical treatments. And younger generations can be happy for there being one less cishet white male boomer in the world. I mean, it s…

People dying at below the average life expectancy is not a benefit to society.

This idea that people you don't like should die for the "benefit" of society has been tried before. It doesn't end well.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#249

Post by galaxyLogic »

_yb2s wrote: post #246
mynameisash wrote: post #203

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Two years ago, my son was REALLY struggling with his depression. Having tried almost everything, at the suggestion of his therapist, he tried cold showers. To show some solidarity, I decided we should do cold plunges into the ocean together. A guy that I was starting to become friendly with humored us and came with. Two years later, that guy and I are best friends, and we cold plunge every Saturday together. Just did…

Good to hear, I struggle with depression and cold plunges have been life changing for me also. I would love to find a community to do it with.

The way Finns do it they take a hot Sauna in the winter and when they get out of the hot-room they go lay naked in the snow. Or plunge into the frozen lake through a sawed-out hole. Then they go back to the sauna again to feel the warmth again. It does feel great and stops you from dwelling in miserable thoughts. That may be part of the reason why Finns are ranked happiest people for multiple years.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#250

Post by galaxyLogic »

Community is so important, and a great treasure to have, and that's why people seek to be in one.

But does there need to be a common purpose for the community? To take the world into a specific direction, fascism, or democracy?

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