Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

I rebooted my social life

takes.jamesomalley.co.uk

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

211–220 of 433 posts

Re: I rebooted my social life

#211

Post by ksymph »

btrettel wrote: post #122
teiferer wrote: post #85

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I think it's possible to get around the problem Could you articulate what you perceive to be a problem with all that?

I think the problem comes when certain topical groups interpret their mission narrowly. Based on your other nearby comment, you mention your experience with a rock climbing group that doesn't so narrowly focus on rock climbing. I think that's the right way to do it. There was one group I used to attend where I was definitely not as interested in the topic as others. I recall someone at the meetup said to me something…

If you don't mind, could you share a bit about those meetups with unstructured conversation? I would like to attend something like that, some keywords to look for would be helpful.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#212

Post by randycupertino »

alexpotato wrote: post #10

Back in 2019, got to go to Hong Kong for a couple months for work and got to bring my family. I was about to turn 40 and realized that the place we were staying had a rock wall. In a somewhat "mid life crisis" spur of the moment decision, I decided to go buy shoes, a belt and a chalk bag (I did a lot of indoor rock climbing in college). We get there and the rock wall is a. closed and b. only for kids. Get back to the…

Do you have any Hong Kong recommendations you can share? I am going there for two weeks in September and just starting to research. Very excited!

Re: I rebooted my social life

#213

Post by yesfitz »

6thbit wrote: post #91

I came to the same conclusions as the author. Then I tried something like this and failed to get people interested. It’s draining for me to reach out to try and convince people, not sure if the social anxiety or the lack of executive functioning. Any tips for someone that understands and wants community but struggles with the building process?

From my experience, here's the general lowest-effort way to find community:

Make a list of public places that you like (bars, coffee shops, game shops, etc.) and go to them at the same time on the same day every week. You'll shortly start seeing the same people regularly, even if it's just the staff.

Then you can greet those people, introduce yourself, and talk with them. By asking questions about their day, their plans, and sharing the same about yourself, you'll open the door to expanding your social life outside of those locations, hours, and people.

Community doesn't need to be a series of planned events and invitations. It can be implicit and organic just by virtue of regularly sharing space.

Personal anecdote:

I do this with pinball. Sure, it's often in bars, but it's a great way to be at a bar without having to drink. Pinball players are happy to talk about pinball (or anything really), it provides an instant topic of conversation, and it's easy to invite another player to a game because it's such a short commitment. And if no one's around that you want to talk to, or you don't feel like focusing on socializing, you can just play the game while still maintaining your regular schedule.

If you want to try following in my exact footsteps, you can use Pinball Map[1] to find locations near you. Good luck!

1: https://pinballmap.com/map

Re: I rebooted my social life

#215

Post by btrettel »

ksymph wrote: post #211
btrettel wrote: post #122

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think the problem comes when certain topical groups interpret their mission narrowly. Based on your other nearby comment, you mention your experience with a rock climbing group that doesn't so narrowly focus on rock climbing. I think that's the right way to do it. There was one group I used to attend where I was definitely not as interested in the topic as others. I recall someone at the meetup said to me something…

If you don't mind, could you share a bit about those meetups with unstructured conversation? I would like to attend something like that, some keywords to look for would be helpful.

If the website/Facebook event/email/etc. mentions an assigned topic, then it's not likely going to have much unstructured conversation. Other than that, I can't think of any reliable ahead of time signs to look for. One thing I think I've learned from reading tons of comments today at HN is that I should try more meetups just to see what they're like because you can't really know ahead of time.

Anyhow, the specific group I was referring to was LessWrong meetups in 3 different cities over a period of about a decade. As I said, I'm not quite aligned with their philosophy, but I did find a bunch of interesting people at those meetups.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#217

Post by hazrmard »

I can vouch for this with my experience.

Back in grad school, I was out making new friends. I was playing tennis 4-5 times a week. I'd invite players for post-game coffees (in the morning) and dinner (evenings) at every game. Consistency mattered. I'd ask every time. Slowly we had our regulars. Our coffee times became an institution in and of themselves.

People are busy, yes. But, people also want to be in demand. People also don't want to be rejected. And, people also don't want to be left out.

Asking around, I was exposing myself to rejection. Some folks appreciated their time being demanded. More still joined because they didn't want to be left out.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#219

Post by Animats »

cjdell wrote: post #117

Joining a hackspace/makerspace suddenly introduced me to a high quality real-life social network. It's an excuse to engage with your hobbies but also hangout with like minds and pick up new skills. This won't be an option for everyone. I have to travel for an hour each way to get to mine, but it's worth it. If I had more energy I would start one in the city where I live.

I miss the maker space era. I was at TechShop for most of the years it existed.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#220

Post by johnfn »

iamnothere wrote: post #140
maplant wrote: post #133

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Socializing is not a "dull chore" it is a essential component of healthy living[1] By not socializing, you are avoiding (to quote the linked article) a "fundamental human need." This is not something you can simply live without, just like you cannot live a good live without exercise. The view you are espousing is fundamentally unhealthy. [1] https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11403199/

I guess I’m unhealthy then. Sad!

I do think unhealthy is the way to put it. I think that being asocial is kind of like being overweight, in that they have similarly negative effects on health[1]. Of course, being in good health is multifactorial, and just as you can find many overweight people who are otherwise in fine health, you can find many people (like yourself) who eschew social situations but are otherwise perfectly happy.

Though I do think, if you extend the metaphor, that saying that socializing is a dull chore is a bit like saying exercising is a dull chore.

[1] https://www.ssmhealth.com/newsroom/blogs/ssm-health-matters/...

Post reply on HN