I rebooted my social life • Hacker News Board

Re: I rebooted my social life

#191

Post by [deleted] » Thu, Jan 01, 2026, 6:59 PM UTC

maplant wrote: post #133

iamnothere wrote: post #110

As someone who used to have a highly active social life and now finds IRL socializing to be mostly a dull chore, I always find it confusing to see so many people commenting to the contrary. My partner is slightly more social than me and gets out slightly more than I do, but generally we are homebodies and we like it that way. Other people (at least in this country) are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolera…

Socializing is not a "dull chore" it is a essential component of healthy living[1] By not socializing, you are avoiding (to quote the linked article) a "fundamental human need." This is not something you can simply live without, just like you cannot live a good live without exercise. The view you are espousing is fundamentally unhealthy. [1] https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11403199/

[deleted]

Re: I rebooted my social life

#192

Post by ctln » Thu, Jan 01, 2026, 7:00 PM UTC

huhkerrf wrote: post #87

ctln wrote: post #12

Congrats OP, sounds super excited for his new social life. I live overseas and I’m very lonely. I’ve been told to join a group or club related to my interests so I can meet new people and make friends, but I can’t. It doesn’t feel natural to me to go for friend-hunting. And I’m very tired of meaningless, superficial connections and conversations I’ve had with most of the people from my surroundings. I feel my only fr…

Don't go friend hunting, then. Go activity hunting, and if you make friends out of it, all the better.

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Re: I rebooted my social life

#193

Post by tootie » Thu, Jan 01, 2026, 7:02 PM UTC

maplant wrote: post #133

iamnothere wrote: post #110

As someone who used to have a highly active social life and now finds IRL socializing to be mostly a dull chore, I always find it confusing to see so many people commenting to the contrary. My partner is slightly more social than me and gets out slightly more than I do, but generally we are homebodies and we like it that way. Other people (at least in this country) are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolera…

Socializing is not a "dull chore" it is a essential component of healthy living[1] By not socializing, you are avoiding (to quote the linked article) a "fundamental human need." This is not something you can simply live without, just like you cannot live a good live without exercise. The view you are espousing is fundamentally unhealthy. [1] https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11403199/

These kind of findings are probably accurate on average, but not to a person. Some people are wired differently. Some (presumably most) require community and extensive social connection. I really think that some of us just need much, much less. I don't get much sense of reward from social interactions. It really does just feel like a dull chore most of the time. Even with people I genuinely like and respect.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#194

Post by pjerem » Thu, Jan 01, 2026, 7:04 PM UTC

maplant wrote: post #133

iamnothere wrote: post #110

As someone who used to have a highly active social life and now finds IRL socializing to be mostly a dull chore, I always find it confusing to see so many people commenting to the contrary. My partner is slightly more social than me and gets out slightly more than I do, but generally we are homebodies and we like it that way. Other people (at least in this country) are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolera…

Socializing is not a "dull chore" it is a essential component of healthy living[1] By not socializing, you are avoiding (to quote the linked article) a "fundamental human need." This is not something you can simply live without, just like you cannot live a good live without exercise. The view you are espousing is fundamentally unhealthy. [1] https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11403199/

While you are totally right, it doesn't means we are all good and/or equal when it comes to fulfilling our fundamental human needs.

Your exemple is in fact good because a hella lot of people find exercice to be exactly a "dull chore". Same as eating healthy actually.

So, mentioning that socializing can be, for some people, a chore doesn't go against the fact that it is something essential.

You can even be conscious about it and still don't like it : I hate exercising but i still do it because, well, it's needed.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#195

Post by rapidfl » Thu, Jan 01, 2026, 7:06 PM UTC

skeeter2020 wrote: post #158

alexpotato wrote: post #10

Back in 2019, got to go to Hong Kong for a couple months for work and got to bring my family. I was about to turn 40 and realized that the place we were staying had a rock wall. In a somewhat "mid life crisis" spur of the moment decision, I decided to go buy shoes, a belt and a chalk bag (I did a lot of indoor rock climbing in college). We get there and the rock wall is a. closed and b. only for kids. Get back to the…

I have no interest in starting a club, but what I do (and you can too) is open your activity to others, (a) for easy access, and (b) with no strings. Typically all this means is reaching out to a small group to say "hey I'm planning to do ; want to come?". Encourage them to pass on your invite, don't take it personally if nobody comes (or even responds) and when they do bond over you shared love of . Maybe this grows…

+1. A WhatsApp group with 10-20 ppl (in similar stages of life) worked well for a while for organizing hiking/tennis/squash/some sport/DotA. We got consistently 4-5 people including their spouses showing up. Usually 2-4 weekends a month. With that size, many people can comfortably pass on the invite.

Then organically these tend to turn into trips together or simple hangouts for someone's birthday or a holiday.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#196

Post by brabel » Thu, Jan 01, 2026, 7:14 PM UTC

rhco wrote: post #186

mvdtnz wrote: post #179

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Other people (at least in this country) are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolerate people with radically different views/values, and either intellectually lacking or overly predictable in their interests. Does every person need to be unpredicatable and intellectually stimulating in order to spend time with them? If a friend who lives in Rotorua is interested in mountain biking (how predictable, how shal…

It's always fun seeing other Kiwis on HN, but this is the first time I've seen my hometown mentioned! I do agree with your point too: perhaps emotional stimulation is also important? That can be a lot less sharp, less well-defined, but just as enriching. It sounds like GP has very high standards for their friends, which is not the point IMO. I think we should have friends to broaden our horizons and expose us to new…

I am not a Kiwi but was in Rotorua once, just wanted to say it is a lovely town (there was a sign claiming it was the nicest town in NZ!) and I loved the geyser and boiling mud! Must be funny to live with the sulphur smell and not even noticing except when you leave and come back after a while.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#197

Post by hypeatei » Thu, Jan 01, 2026, 7:18 PM UTC

NoImmatureAdHom wrote: post #184

hypeatei wrote: post #111

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So you'd be fine with say, Kamala, running on a campaign of crushing dissent because the courts will say "lol no"? Is that what I'm reading? I certainly don't think any camp would be okay with that, let alone MAGAs (and for obvious reasons) It's a common trope of centrists and republicans to say that it's okay for Trump to explore the outer limits of legal theory and executive power, but at the same time freak out at…

> So you'd be fine with say, Kamala, running on a campaign of crushing dissent because the courts will say "lol no"? Is that what I'm reading? No, I wouldn't be fine with it. Do you imagine this is what Trump is doing? Or that Democrats don't do the same? Democrats ran a long and successful campaign to crush anti-woke dissent, for instance. Broke lots of laws (and still do!) in the process. Questioning woke orthodoxy…

> Democrats ran a long and successful campaign to crush anti-woke dissent, for instance. Broke lots of laws (and still do!)

Citation/elaboration needed. Same goes for the Title IX comment. How did Biden "compel speech" on campuses?

> and they wielded power to make sure the same was true in many non-gov institutions

Again, cancel culture, no matter how aggressive, is not the same as using the monopoly on violence to get your way. Woke mob vs federal agents. You could argue that some of Trump's actions like his lawsuit against the pollster aren't an official government action, but it certainly is a huge break from norms for a sitting President to sue over speech he doesn't like.

> explicitly make the leap from "flag burning" to "running a campaign of crushing dissent"

It's much more than just flag burning, as I've shown.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#198

Post by brabel » Thu, Jan 01, 2026, 7:34 PM UTC

mm351206 wrote: post #132

throw4847285 wrote: post #107

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sweeping self-loathing statements like that are actually a defense mechanism. Fear of rejection is so great that one would rather believe that one is worthless than have another person think one is slightly annoying. Better to self-sooth with self-abnegation than face the uncertainty of other's judgment.

Well, if you’ve been excluded your entire life, like I have, if your invitations are rejected, if you’re never the one being invited, if you search for people who never search for you, and if every connection you manage to form is shortlived and ends in ghosting, it starts to make you doubt your own humanity a little. I think my experience, like the OP, allows me to entertain the idea that there’s something fundament…

Sometimes I feel the same, though I did get married, which just happened because I took desperate measures and started using Russian Brides style websites! I was lucky and can’t really recommend these days as it’s mostly scam, but it did work for me 15 years ago. I used to have one good friend, and he was the one that got called by everyone, and I just cruised along. But after he moved away I lost all contact with everyone, it’s like everyone forgot me and it was a one way street as I tried to keep in touch. I wish I lived in a small town where you just meet people you know already by going out where everyone is or something. Having to take measures like organizing a club, or try to invite people you don’t really have a connection with and probably will not come, feels just too much to me and not sustainable.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#199

Post by brabel » Thu, Jan 01, 2026, 7:45 PM UTC

andrewl wrote: post #141

morganf wrote: post #57

I did almost the identical project the OP did, for the same reasons, in the same style. Reading that article could have been (with 10% of details tweaked) about my experience. The biggest difference in how the author approached and how I did: he did it monthly; I did it weekly . I found that made a HUGE difference in building community. If it's once a month, and people come on average 50% of the time, then you'll see…

The WNIP.org (Wednesday Night Interesting People) home page says: Invitees: Interesting Guys, Hot Girls. Exceptions Tolerated: Hot Guys, Interesting Girls. The organizer sounds like an unpleasant person.

OP said it started in 2007. At that time, something like this would be seen as funny, not toxic like today.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#200

Post by bitexploder » Thu, Jan 01, 2026, 7:53 PM UTC

heresie-dabord wrote: post #150

bitexploder wrote: post #92

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Basically the whole point of the Freemasonry fraternity as well. Male only. It is dressed up with some altruistic goals and rituals, but it is a social club for men essentially.

> Basically the whole point of the Freemasonry fraternity as well. Male only. It is dressed up with some altruistic goals and rituals Freemasonry began as a workers' guild, but the accreted "goals and rituals" take a group far beyond the simplicity of a men's shed. The simplicity of any club rapidly becomes complex when monotheism or henotheism (any theism) is injected: From Wikipedia: * Anglo-American style Freemaso…

I don't think it is complex. The theme of a social group is just there as a filter. If you like rock climbing and meet someone at a rock climbing gym that person is far more likely to be interested in things you are interested in: physical fitness, the particular mental challenges of rock climbing, etc. It was just an example. I won't analyze the sexism or male only nature of the fraternity, but I think Freemasonry anecdotally reinforces the idea that men want/need/form these kind of clubs more than women on average.

When we study this we notice very small actual bias at an individual level on socialization preference. The differences are modest and more like slight preferences. There is more overlap than not at a local individual level. What gets missed is that even though the differences are relatively small, the network effect greatly amplifies these small variances resulting in non-linear outcomes. Even small biases at an individual level essentially produce significant effect in socialization behavior.