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After my dad died, we found the love letters

jenn.site

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Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#231

Post by [deleted] »

hatefulmoron wrote: post #206
bad_haircut72 wrote: post #159

Earlier quoted context omitted.

For you and anyone else reading this I recommend the book "the designer relationship" - its actually about polyamory but I think it does a great job solidifying the concept that really, a relationship between two people can be basically whatever they want it to be, not defined by social norms. What comes first is open and honest communication and negotating through hard conversations to find a way of mutually meeting…

I admit that when reading the description of your relationship (I don't mean to be disrespectful, for what it's worth) I can't help but wonder how it can possibly be consistent with "a relationship between two people can be basically whatever they want it to be." It really reads like the relationship is whatever _she_ wants it to be. If you had come into the relationship with the understanding that you'd both date/ha…

[deleted]

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#232

Post by BeFlatXIII »

pcthrowaway wrote: post #92
Freak_NL wrote: post #80

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The author obviously has this as an acquired habit or affectation, possibly for stylistic reasons. It's interesting that some people can read this just as well as normal prose, but to others it feels as if someone is pouring sand all over their well-oiled gears. I gave up after a paragraph as well. I fully support people writing in whatever way pleases them, but for broadly accessible article length text capitalisati…

Many readers rely on articles being written in a specific language, does that mean every writer is obligated to publish every piece in every language? Has it occurred to anyone who sees capitalization as a must-have for legibility, that an opportunity is being presented to train oneself to read text without traditional capitalization? Maybe it's because I studied poetry, or because I was a voracious reader of experim…

I find that people who make a point out of violating writing norms as part of their house style typically don't have thoughts worth communicating. Nothing is missed by not training myself instead of reading something that flows smoothly.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#233

Post by pavlov »

ycombinete wrote: post #125
pavlov wrote: post #75

Ouch. This hits incredibly hard. I’ve been this dad who sits frozen at the TV every evening. I had the affairs with the emotionally unavailable men, and became one myself. Before you judge the man in this story too harshly — and there’s certainly much to judge, especially given the follow-up post — consider the environment he and I grew up in. Being gay as a young teenager in the early 1990s could feel literally like…

Have you read John Cheever’s diaries? It’s the same story. I can’t really get into his fiction, but the diaries are astounding. He gave them to his son to read and publish posthumously.

Thanks for the tip, I’ll have to read that!

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#234

Post by array_key_first »

apaosjsja wrote: post #214
ninetyninenine wrote: post #171

[flagged]

I share this sentiment. Most in the west (especially on HN) have been conditioned to believe mercy must always be granted and justice is evil. You can’t have one without the other or society falls apart. As a child of a mother who cheated and ruined our family, I complete agree with you. This story filled me with disgust, and I want to live in a culture where people like this feel guilt at what they did. The sibling…

Wishing for liars to live terrible lives does not help your life. At all. It makes it worse.

This comment and mindset is self-destructive. Yes, bad things happen - but nothing is ruined. There is no such thing as ruining, only changing. The relationship changes, the people change, and your understanding changes.

Desperately vying for any sense of sameness, and forcing yourself to continue a life that is not true, doesn't serve you or anyone.

Things can be good. You can get divorced and that can be a better outcome. Things can change.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#235

Post by vacuity »

pfdietz wrote: post #83
throwaway142351 wrote: post #59

I'm a dad too, and I'm in a somewhat similar situation. My son is under five, and it feels like I'm still at the very beginning of his story. I've known I was gay since high school, probably even earlier, but I kept choosing whatever seemed like the easiest path. It felt easier to stay closeted. Easier to date a woman. Easier to move in together, propose, get married, and even have a child than to face my truth. I lo…

I'm straight and love my wife of 44 years. But I long ago made the thought experiment of what would happen if she were in the same kind of situation you were in: what if she decided I was a mistake, or that being in a relation with a man was a mistake, and that she needed to do something else. I decided that would require I support her in that. How can you love someone and not want what is best for them, even if that…

I think this is a good example of how lying can affect one's autonomy (though I don't remotely hold that as an absolute principle). In the ideal exercise of love, I agree with your claim. I don't think it's dismantled in practice, but I think it is weaker. The spouse fell in love with "someone", but it turns out it's just a dummy of the other spouse. To some extent, probably everyone only loves or even perceives imperfect images of others, but this takes it a step further. I think this is somewhat different from supporting a disabled/ill spouse, because that condition arose through no fault of anyone (presumably). I think this is also different from a spouse, sometime into the marriage, realizing a different romantic/sexual orientation, because no one could've known at the time of marriage (presumably).

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#238

Post by spongebobstoes »

ycombinete wrote: post #131
lvl155 wrote: post #89

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Do what’s best for your son. There’s nothing that will overcome that guilt. Not saying what’s best for your son is for you to reveal the truth now or later. That’s entirely situational and only you know.

I completely agree. Life as a parent is only about oneself insofar as looking after yourself is good for your family.

children mimic the actions and lifestyle of their parents

being a role model means demonstrating how to be happy

an existence proof of a good and happy life is a powerful thing

people learn at a young age that words are cheap. advice doesn't cut it

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#239

Post by pavlov »

billy99k wrote: post #211
pavlov wrote: post #75

Ouch. This hits incredibly hard. I’ve been this dad who sits frozen at the TV every evening. I had the affairs with the emotionally unavailable men, and became one myself. Before you judge the man in this story too harshly — and there’s certainly much to judge, especially given the follow-up post — consider the environment he and I grew up in. Being gay as a young teenager in the early 1990s could feel literally like…

"Before you judge the man in this story too harshly" I will judge him harshly. Instead of getting a divorce, he emotionally abused his wide and child, which probably means therapy for the child for life. He's a selfish asshole, that doesn't think about anyone but himself. He also could have brought diseases back home to his wife (Just hearing the stories of his selfishness, he would have kept this hidden or not even…

It’s really easy to prescribe what other people should do when you don’t have to walk a yard in their shoes.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#240

Post by chimeracoder »

James_K wrote: post #147
siva7 wrote: post #60

Did it ever occur to her that he wanted a child with his wife? That he loved his wife - even though not romantically? And still had a happy life as a father of her? The author seems to have many misconceptions about gay people..

It does not sound as such if you read the content of the post. It's hardly a misconception to suggest that gay men do not generally fall in love with women.

> It does not sound as such if you read the content of the post. It's hardly a misconception to suggest that gay men do not generally fall in love with women.

Aside from the fact that this premise is incorrect, it's also inapplicable, because, as far as the essay mentions, the father never said he was gay.

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