Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

After my dad died, we found the love letters

jenn.site

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

201–210 of 470 posts

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#201

Post by rosstex »

jemmyw wrote: post #130
71bw wrote: post #104

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I can relate to this probably the most out of everything I've seen on HN so far. My fiancee is pansexual and overall seems to prefer women, so I surely am quite a bit of a surprise in her life (to the point where her family laughed at the fact that I 'fixed her' the first time I met them...) as a straight man. I know she loves me, I love her with all my heart but I am aware that at some point she may want to change m…

I don't really see why you should support that. In your case your wife is not closeted and living a lie, everything is out in the open. So deciding to change you for someone else, regardless of sex, is no different than if I decided to change my wife for another woman. We give stuff up to make a commitment to someone else. It doesn't always work out and I'm not saying people should stay together when they don't want…

"Prefer women" could be in a sexual context, romantic context, platonic, etc. and the commenter above didn't define it. I imagine it's hard enough for bisexual people to be asked if they're "living a lie" by having to choose a side.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#203

Post by jrootabega »

Dumblydorr wrote: post #137
simianparrot wrote: post #134

[flagged]

Why is this comment here? Downvote the post and move on, don’t come in to gripe about it amongst people actually making conversation.

There is no downvote. There is only flag, and people are hesitant to use it, if it's even available to them in the first place.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#204

Post by ReluctantLaser »

ninetyninenine wrote: post #176
bad_haircut72 wrote: post #159

Earlier quoted context omitted.

For you and anyone else reading this I recommend the book "the designer relationship" - its actually about polyamory but I think it does a great job solidifying the concept that really, a relationship between two people can be basically whatever they want it to be, not defined by social norms. What comes first is open and honest communication and negotating through hard conversations to find a way of mutually meeting…

[flagged]

It is tough to overcome jealousy/insecurity and to have that level of trust, for anyone, I agree. Phrasing it as biological wiring, I'm not sure fits.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#205

Post by 101011 »

schneems wrote: post #180
geoffmanning wrote: post #133

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm not apologizing for anyone's actions. This is not to say he is a good person. It is to say that there isn't enough evidence to judge one as a bad person. A lot of good people have made bad choices, and these writings reflect a mere sliver of a man's life choices from the very thin perspective of one person's grief laid bare.

I agree. To me, it's like a blameless retro. You can either seek understanding or seek blame, but not both at once. The author seemingly had a lot of judgement and blame for the dad before finding this out. It sounds like they are seeking understanding. I think the last line makes that clear: > the evening we found the love letters. his entire life, and mine as well And it's not to say someone can't attach judgement…

> You can either seek understanding or seek blame, but not both at once.

This is the first I've heard this statement (not necessarily the idea), but I found it incredibly beautiful in it's simplicity - thanks for sharing!

Are there origins to this that you're aware of? With some searching I found some adjacent thread lines to stoicism and Buddhism, but nothing quite the same.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#206

Post by hatefulmoron »

bad_haircut72 wrote: post #159
71bw wrote: post #104

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I can relate to this probably the most out of everything I've seen on HN so far. My fiancee is pansexual and overall seems to prefer women, so I surely am quite a bit of a surprise in her life (to the point where her family laughed at the fact that I 'fixed her' the first time I met them...) as a straight man. I know she loves me, I love her with all my heart but I am aware that at some point she may want to change m…

For you and anyone else reading this I recommend the book "the designer relationship" - its actually about polyamory but I think it does a great job solidifying the concept that really, a relationship between two people can be basically whatever they want it to be, not defined by social norms. What comes first is open and honest communication and negotating through hard conversations to find a way of mutually meeting…

I admit that when reading the description of your relationship (I don't mean to be disrespectful, for what it's worth) I can't help but wonder how it can possibly be consistent with "a relationship between two people can be basically whatever they want it to be." It really reads like the relationship is whatever _she_ wants it to be.

If you had come into the relationship with the understanding that you'd both date/have sex with other people then great; it doesn't matter what other people think. However, when you say that it was hard for you to accept her being with other men, and that you're lucky that "she has never fallen in love and wanted to run away with one of em", damn. My first instinct is that you should take your own advice: find or design a relationship where you don't have to accept this.

I realize that some of my knee jerk reaction might just be instinct/cultural values, I mean no disrespect.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#207

Post by lazide »

caminante wrote: post #156
anal_reactor wrote: post #132

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My father had an affair, with a woman. It came to light but remained contained within the family. My parents are still married. The whole situation taught me that life is complicated and sometimes situations that seem morally obvious on the surface can actually be very difficult and have lots of nuance. When I was a teenager I dated a married man. On paper it's easier to explain "gay dude in a homophobic society" but…

This is the sober take. People will try to explain away all kinds of behaviors that violate trust a la "they'll never find out..."

When a lot of dudes get murdered for it (historically, and currently in many places), there is also a pragmatic aspect.

I agree on the immoral part, but I’ve seen so much immoral behavior over the years this seems (relatively) mellow.

If you’re in the medical field, you see some wild stuff.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#208

Post by schneems »

JKCalhoun wrote: post #146
pavlov wrote: post #75

Ouch. This hits incredibly hard. I’ve been this dad who sits frozen at the TV every evening. I had the affairs with the emotionally unavailable men, and became one myself. Before you judge the man in this story too harshly — and there’s certainly much to judge, especially given the follow-up post — consider the environment he and I grew up in. Being gay as a young teenager in the early 1990s could feel literally like…

I wasn't in any way judging the father harshly when I read it. I also read between the lines that there was additionally "traditional Asian culture" as another factor. I only questioned why he would have brought kids into the "union", but I can easily imagine that it was his wife's desire. A very sad story in general. I lost my mom a few years ago and I suspect I'll go to my grave still very sad about the could-have-…

> I only questioned why he would have brought kids into the "union",

They might be lead to believe "if only we got married ... if only we had kids ... that will 'fix' it." Even straight couples who aren't in love fall into this trap.

I don't know how well real life imitates art, but a lot of films involving gay historical characters have a similar enough narrative I assume it has some grain of truth: The gay person would rather not be gay (it would be easier for them), and is told by society that it's a choice. Maybe they even have some small amount of feelings for the spouse or think they can "learn to love them." See Rustin 2023 as an example of the psychology in action.

> I'll go to my grave still very sad about the could-have-beens.

Sorry for that. Loss is one of the hardest, most confusing emotions. That lack of closure and the unknown is a truly awful feeling.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#209

Post by krupan »

Writing, journaling, is such a good way to process thoughts and emotions and this is a great example. I'm grateful for this person sharing her very personal journal entries with us even though it is not required at all. It sets a great example of what to write about and how. It also reveals that people and the lives they live are incredibly complicated and messy. The longer I live and the more people I get to know the more I believe that nobody is as simple and "good" as they seem on the surface. If your life has been simple and relatively pain free up to this point, just wait, and try not to judge others in situations more difficult and complicated than yours too harshly. There is much you do not yet know.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#210

Post by pfdietz »

ryanjshaw wrote: post #152
pfdietz wrote: post #142

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I wouldn't be happy either, but I'd be understanding. Everyone is human. Everyone lies, even to themselves.

Not all lies are equal. Marriage is a contract built on trust and commitment. When you have been lying about that specifically, you have defrauded someone. You’ve stolen time and emotional energy from these people. They can never get those years back. Your children have been deprived of seeing parents role modeling romantic love. They have built their entire world views based on your behavior towards your spouse, whi…

It's also built on forgiveness, because no one can possibly not ever need that.
Post reply on HN