My stages of learning to be a socially normal person • Hacker News Board

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#301

Post by SwtCyber » Tue, Nov 18, 2025, 10:02 AM UTC

safety1st wrote: post #254

Aurornis wrote: post #47

This post wasn't what I was expecting from the "socially normal" title. While there is a lot of self-reflection and growth in this piece, a lot of the points felt more like learning how to charm, manipulate, and game social interactions. Look at the first two subheadings: > 1: Connecting with people is about being a dazzling person > 2: Connecting with people is about playing their game The post felt like a rollercoa…

When I read those first two sections I didn't like the guy either, but he arrives at some much healthier takes by the end of the piece. So I think it's intentional to illustrate his growth and the fact that he's willing to put the vulnerability and the mistakes up front and own them to me suggests that he really does get the "secrets" of being socially well adjusted. My own view is that it's about giving generously t…

And it's hard to talk about personal growth without showing your missteps, and he does that pretty fearlessly

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#302

Post by immibis » Tue, Nov 18, 2025, 10:03 AM UTC

somenameforme wrote: post #221

scandox wrote: post #170

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That is a mistake I think. Many 'normal' people who grow up (emotionally) make a conscious effort not to instrumentalize their social interactions even if they do know how to do it. Certainly with friends they aim to be authentic. I think emulating things that a serious person discards is a step backwards.

I wouldn't say just friends either. The biggest leap I made in social stuff is to simply stop caring what other people think. If somebody doesn't like me, cool - there's plenty of other people. If they do? Awesome, because they're getting the 'real' me, so it's probably going to be a good relationship. Basically I think a lot of people's issues with social stuff starts with something analogous to a boy who never asks…

> If somebody doesn't like me, cool - there's plenty of other people

And what if no one likes me?

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#303

Post by SwtCyber » Tue, Nov 18, 2025, 10:04 AM UTC

HPsquared wrote: post #300

SwtCyber wrote: post #298

Accepting that connection is optional, not compulsory feels like the true sign of arrival. Not needing it to prove anything, not using it to fill a void, just being able to be, with or without it

Connection with any given person may be optional, but everyone should have at least some kind of social connections in this world.

The author seems to be pointing toward the freedom of not chasing connection out of insecurity, which is healthy

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#304

Post by SwtCyber » Tue, Nov 18, 2025, 10:07 AM UTC

futureshock wrote: post #25

I really love this piece! I relate to it but it also doesn’t describe me. I’m far more intuitive than this person, though still agree that insights have driven a leveling up of how I relate to others. They were different insights, sure but the model holds. Once my spouse and I worked for the same company and attended many of the same meetings. The opportunity to pick apart our impressions of the subtext really helped…

It's like we're all solving the same puzzle, just with different pieces

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#305

Post by HPsquared » Tue, Nov 18, 2025, 10:07 AM UTC

replwoacause wrote: post #253

donatj wrote: post #52

> The other day, someone told me, “I can’t imagine you ever being awkward with people.” I was telling my therapist of several years recently about being uncomfortable with the number of new people I've had to meet recently. He seemed surprised that I wasn't excited by it all and said something along the lines of "You seem like a very social person, that seems out of character." It struck me… am I really that good at…

Exact same problem I have with being fully remote. It’s turned into near total isolation from everyone except immediate family.

I found there's a transition period where you eventually learn how to reach out via the internet to your remote peers and have good conversations.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#306

Post by moffkalast » Tue, Nov 18, 2025, 10:14 AM UTC

curiouscube wrote: post #292

moffkalast wrote: post #282

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That seems like the most pointless conversation ever though, neither side really got anything out of it. If you can't infodump or listen to someone else infodump, is it really anything but meaningless pleasantries?

You perceive it that way because you aren't into snowboarding, tubing or experienced the blizzard of '96.

If only I'd experienced the blizzard of '96, the bedrock of all modern socialization.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#307

Post by YurgenJurgensen » Tue, Nov 18, 2025, 10:16 AM UTC

whstl wrote: post #288

etangent wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> a lot of the points felt more like learning how to charm, manipulate, and game social interactions. A lot of stuff "normal" people do is charm, manipulate, and game social interactions. Except because they are not conscious about it, we give them a pass. One of the characteristics of autistic-spectrum individuals is that they must make a conscious effort to achieve goals that are achieved unconsciously by most of u…

It's very strange that people are ok with people charming others "naturally" (while it's probably because they learned by imitation, often from parents) while "practicing it" is seen as bad and manipulative. It's the same with genetics. Getting lucky with looks is fine but working for the same goal (eg surgery) is somehow bad and people often hide it.

You say ‘somehow’ like the reasoning isn’t obvious. Physical attractiveness is a signal of reproductive fitness when it’s genetic, and not otherwise.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#308

Post by whstl » Tue, Nov 18, 2025, 10:19 AM UTC

YurgenJurgensen wrote: post #307

whstl wrote: post #288

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's very strange that people are ok with people charming others "naturally" (while it's probably because they learned by imitation, often from parents) while "practicing it" is seen as bad and manipulative. It's the same with genetics. Getting lucky with looks is fine but working for the same goal (eg surgery) is somehow bad and people often hide it.

You say ‘somehow’ like the reasoning isn’t obvious. Physical attractiveness is a signal of reproductive fitness when it’s genetic, and not otherwise.

This is a bullshit rationalization for horrible behavior.

The people doing the judging certainly aren't gonna reproduce with 99.99999% of the people being judged, and I'm being extremely generous here.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#309

Post by sjamaan » Tue, Nov 18, 2025, 10:19 AM UTC

chipsrafferty wrote: post #268

mewpmewp2 wrote: post #188

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What about intentionally making conscious effort to remember to use people's names when talking to them? And other similar things that increase someone's odds of being liked or convincing or getting someone to do what they want more likely? Doing those things is not BSing, not lying, yet people can consciously be doing those to increase the likelihood of getting what they want. Many people will obviously do it natura…

Do you really think you're the only person who's heard of that "technique"? When someone uses my name in conversation, it makes me think less of them, because it's so unnatural and clearly they might be doing it to manipulate me. Names are dumb - we are people, not labels

> When someone uses my name in conversation, it makes me think less of them, because it's so unnatural and clearly they might be doing it to manipulate me.

Oh man, I always find it so slimy when people do that! I've also noticed it's mostly HR people or sales people who do this, so clearly it's a phony technique they learned somewhere. But I suppose it gets taught because it works, maybe for people who don't pick up on the fact that it's so forced?

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#310

Post by balamatom » Tue, Nov 18, 2025, 10:21 AM UTC

donatj wrote: post #52

> The other day, someone told me, “I can’t imagine you ever being awkward with people.” I was telling my therapist of several years recently about being uncomfortable with the number of new people I've had to meet recently. He seemed surprised that I wasn't excited by it all and said something along the lines of "You seem like a very social person, that seems out of character." It struck me… am I really that good at…

>am I really that good at masking that my therapist didn't realize I am absolutely terrified in near all social situations?

Or is your therapist attempting to bootstrap a self-fulfilling prophecy, i.e. when you feel socially overwhelmed, you'd remember that they praised you for being social, and the warm fuzzies of being praised would make you feel less overwhelmed?

You know, as the grand maxim of software engineering goes, "whatever works" lmao