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Basic Social Skills Guide

improveyoursocialskills.com

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Re: Basic Social Skills Guide

#101

Post by oblio »

sundarurfriend wrote: post #55
TrackerFF wrote: post #20

I've found that no mater what country I've been to, or what social classes the people belong to, three topics have a 95% success rate when it comes to social relations with guys: sports, cars, fishing/hunting. And to some degree handywork. It is a bit unfortunate, as I'm not at all interested in talking about those things - but they are such staple topics, that you can come off as a sort of outcast if you can't keep…

> I've found that no mater what country I've been to, or what social classes the people belong to, three topics have a 95% success rate when it comes to social relations with guys: sports, cars, fishing/hunting. And to some degree handywork. Have you generally been to the Americas and Western Europe? Sports is the one universal, that makes sense in my experience too. But most people outside the rich upper class don't…

Even in Western Europe.

Hunting is extremely rare (and generally an indicator of old money or living in an extremely rural environment).

Fishing is a lot more popular but even that tends to date you a bit. At least for Eastern Europe, fishing is a lot more popular among the 45+ year olds.

OP is primarily speaking about a North American perspective, I think.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide

#102

Post by spacechild1 »

TrackerFF wrote: post #20

I've found that no mater what country I've been to, or what social classes the people belong to, three topics have a 95% success rate when it comes to social relations with guys: sports, cars, fishing/hunting. And to some degree handywork. It is a bit unfortunate, as I'm not at all interested in talking about those things - but they are such staple topics, that you can come off as a sort of outcast if you can't keep…

Which countries have you been to? Sports I'll give you. Cars are already questionable. But fishing and hunting!?

Now I'm interested: what are your top three topics for talking to women? :)

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide

#103

Post by throwaway22032 »

zwnow wrote: post #15
strken wrote: post #5

On the topic of "support your friends", if there's a funeral for someone you weren't super close with but your friend knew well and you're not sure whether to go, I would recommend just going, sitting up the back, offering your condolences if the opportunity comes up, and leaving. I've failed to do this twice. Nobody else said or did anything, but I regretted it.

It's also ok not to attend funerals at all, even if you were close. I broke down every funeral I went to and would rather avoid that in the future.

I think that's the point, showing vulnerability in front of others helps them to trust you.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide

#104

Post by syncmaster913n »

atoav wrote: post #76
kaiwenwang wrote: post #38

Being able to communicate despite differences in status. Don't try to qualify people. Do not let others feel contempt. Don't speak any words outside what someone would commonly be able to accept. Suppression of ego so others are not uncomfortable. Knowing when to not suppress it if others think you are fake.

As an introvert I'd argue those are basically just: "be empathic". That means you should not treat others in a way that annoys or demeans them – because you yourself would not like that either, right? Empathy implies you can feel with others. Example: You are a man and you talk to a woman. Being empathic means you have a clear mental image of what it might feel like to be a woman and can thus avoid saying things that…

> Most communicative problems I have ever seen (aside from language barriers) could have been resolved by a little bit of empathy.

Empathy is usually an internal process. On it's own, it wont't resolve a communication problem.

What ends up affecting a communication problem are the external actions that we take based on our internal empathy calculus (assuming we haven't totally miscalculated). Those actions will vary significantly by person and context, assuming any action follows at all.

Empathy is the relatively easy part. Acting on that empathy in a way that doesn't come across as condescending, disengaged, presumptious, judgemental, awkward, or scripted, while also remaining true to yourself and upholding your personal values are the hard parts.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide

#105

Post by jeltz »

cpursley wrote: post #99
yoz-y wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

While I’ve yet to meet somebody into fishing or hunting, I agree about cars and sports. Unfortunately since I have interest in neither it can be hard to fit in sometime. Weirdly, as somebody non interested in these common topics it also feels like it’s up to you to figure out a topic of common interest and it really isn’t. About sports also, most people super “into” sports don’t do any. Which is ironic because a conv…

Yeah, I noticed this too about sportball people - they’re generally out of shape and not actually athletic (I’m fit and active in several outdoor sports). I just find watching or talking about sports excruciatingly boring. To me it’s the same thing as pornography, watching other people who are really good at it while you are a bystander, but your brain gets the physiological and-psychological signal that you’re actua…

I don't have the same experience at all. The people who I know and have met which enjoy watching sports come at all levels of fitness. I am not that interested myself but quite many of the members of my running club enjoy watching sports and some of them can run 3 hour marathons.

And if you have ever met football ultras most of them are very fit.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide

#106

Post by jeltz »

oblio wrote: post #101
sundarurfriend wrote: post #55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I've found that no mater what country I've been to, or what social classes the people belong to, three topics have a 95% success rate when it comes to social relations with guys: sports, cars, fishing/hunting. And to some degree handywork. Have you generally been to the Americas and Western Europe? Sports is the one universal, that makes sense in my experience too. But most people outside the rich upper class don't…

Even in Western Europe. Hunting is extremely rare (and generally an indicator of old money or living in an extremely rural environment). Fishing is a lot more popular but even that tends to date you a bit. At least for Eastern Europe, fishing is a lot more popular among the 45+ year olds. OP is primarily speaking about a North American perspective, I think.

Even here in Sweden a lot of the people fishing are older Polish immigrants unless you live in s rural area.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide

#107

Post by msgodel »

aleph_minus_one wrote: post #89
7222aafdcf68cfe wrote: post #34

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Interestingly enough, not nearly as much gets published for e.g. Europe. Innate ability ?

> Interestingly enough, not nearly as much gets published for e.g. Europe. Innate ability ? From my personal feeling: US culture is more on the extraverted side (i.e. a lot of people want/need shallow conversation instead of shutting their mouth, except if they have something important to say) than what is common in many European countries. Thus, people who are more on the introvert side have a harder time in the USA…

>Relatedly, I would say that in the USA, there is the mentality "Our society is the greatest ever made since God created Earth, so if you don't feel happy, the fault is on you: you need to self-improve."

Unjustified self deprecation can lead to dereliction. IMO Americans feel this way because it's appropriate to.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide

#108

Post by Mordisquitos »

zwnow wrote: post #15
strken wrote: post #5

On the topic of "support your friends", if there's a funeral for someone you weren't super close with but your friend knew well and you're not sure whether to go, I would recommend just going, sitting up the back, offering your condolences if the opportunity comes up, and leaving. I've failed to do this twice. Nobody else said or did anything, but I regretted it.

It's also ok not to attend funerals at all, even if you were close. I broke down every funeral I went to and would rather avoid that in the future.

> I broke down every funeral I went to and would rather avoid that in the future.

I understand it can be emotionally challenging, but arguably that expression of grief is what provides meaning to attending a funeral. Furthermore, if you don't attend a close friend's funeral, don't expect him or her to attend yours.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide

#109

Post by TheCapeGreek »

schoen wrote: post #65
TheCapeGreek wrote: post #60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Agreed, it feels risky to just be associated these days, even if it's "adjacent" groups that explicitly don't want to be part of the "mechanical" side of improving social skills like "classical" PUA. But, no way to change that in public perception without taking risks and being open about it. So, if you're an HN reader, not wanting to be branded as a PUA but still want to find help socially (especially romantically),…

The founder seems to have missed the opportunity to make a classical reference to Ovid's writing on love, instead constructing some ungrammatical Latin. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ars_Amatoria

It's on purpose! Quirks of the group kind of thing.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide

#110

Post by zug_zug »

nicbou wrote: post #28

The best guide I have ever seen is https://succeedsocially.com/ It’s so unbelievably straightforward and useful. It’s unfortunate that I discovered it after learning everything the hard way.

Wow, after reading the various pages on this link for ~20m+ I have to agree this is one of the best resources I've ever encountered.
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