Live data from Hacker News

I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

wave3.social

51–60 of 728 posts

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#51

The lack of deep friendships feel like a 3-fold problem. 1. You can't ever be real, if you are real, you are likely to be recorded doing something someone somewhere on the largest stage in the world (the public web) that someone will disapprove of, and someone else will raise their own profile by mining your impiety to prove their own concern and moral superiority. 2. Everyone is so mobile and connected online, they…

"if you are real, you are likely to be recorded doing something someone somewhere on the largest stage in the world (the public web) that someone will disapprove of" -> is this a concern for many men? It's never crossed my mind or been a problem for anyone I've known.

"they never have to break the ice and talk to those around them in the breakroom or geographical space" -> I've always talked to people at work and also I joined the most socially awkward hobby I've ever seen (historical sword fencing) and people are still very chatty. I also recently started volunteering at a wildlife rehabilitator and find myself just constantly chatting.

"Can't have real ties or any strongly held beliefs, that would make you religious (or worse, Religious on an actual religion), those people are bad" -> I've been friends with a lot of religious people but also non-religious people have strongly held beliefs (I hang out with a lot of vegans and I cannot imagine claiming they are afraid to publicly hold strong beliefs).

I think your post just goes to show how different mens' experiences can be because, while I'm sure a lot of men probably can connect with this, my personal experiences could not be more opposite. I think it depends a ton on the sorts of crowds you run in, it almost sounds to me like the people you meet are generally judgy and antisocial but I've found people I'm around to be generally friendly (though I've found many people are happy to chat but are often hard to actually organize to otherwise hang out since people in their 30s are busy and some of my friends have kids now).

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#52

Homepage leaves me asking why this website wasn't a Meetup group for AI-generated stock photos. What's to resonate? I hate to have to be the one to say it, but speaking from my mid-forties, what you are experiencing is called "entering your 30s." If you try to sell "fix loneliness" to a "not committed yet to growing TF up" market you're cooked. Ironically, I'm probably pretty close to who you think you want to hear f…

I get where you’re coming from, but I don’t think it’s just a “you’re in your 30s, deal with it” thing. A lot of guys lose connection over time.. not because they’re flaky, but because work, family, and life get in the way.

To me this doesn't feel like some cheesy attempt to fix loneliness with tech. It’s just creating a space for something that’s clearly missing for a lot of people. Writing it off feels like part of the problem..

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#53

Homepage leaves me asking why this website wasn't a Meetup group for AI-generated stock photos. What's to resonate? I hate to have to be the one to say it, but speaking from my mid-forties, what you are experiencing is called "entering your 30s." If you try to sell "fix loneliness" to a "not committed yet to growing TF up" market you're cooked. Ironically, I'm probably pretty close to who you think you want to hear f…

There are different ways to cope with loneliness, some find ways to fix it, others post assholes comments on people's projects trying to fix it

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#54

Homepage leaves me asking why this website wasn't a Meetup group for AI-generated stock photos. What's to resonate? I hate to have to be the one to say it, but speaking from my mid-forties, what you are experiencing is called "entering your 30s." If you try to sell "fix loneliness" to a "not committed yet to growing TF up" market you're cooked. Ironically, I'm probably pretty close to who you think you want to hear f…

I think the concept clearly resonates with people. There is an article every week NYT, etc about how like most men have at most one friend. It seems you think the execution is off, which I wouldn't disagree on.

Happy to hear what you have to say - email is in my bio - although I doubt we'd have a meaningful conversation if you write me off as trying to sell something instead of taking the more gracious interpretation that I want to help other guys build strong friendships (and build them for myself).

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#55
post #38

I like the idea, on principle, any attempt to build community should be supported. I'm may not be the target audience if this is recently post-college, but the thing that strikes me is these activities feel a bit performatively male. I guess my hot-take is there are certain things that people genuinely love (e.g. improv, dnd, video games, rock-climbing) perception be damned, and there are certain things that people d…

> I guess my hot-take is there are certain things that people genuinely love (e.g. improv, dnd, video games, rock-climbing) perception be damned, and there are certain things that people do because they are socially acceptable stereotypes for males: drink craft beer, whiskey, poker, grilling, sports? And that it's about 20x easier to make real friends from the former than the latter.

Brah that's just your experience. The activities that you described as `socially acceptable stereotypes for males` haven't been popular for longer than any ancestor you've spoken to has been alive as a conspiracy theory.

Some people legitimately like these activities and have the same reaction to `improv, dnd, video games, rock-climbing` as you do to the stereotypically male activities

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#56

Sometimes I wish we could have "gentlemen's clubs" of the sort that existed in Victorian Britain (not the US strip club version), third-spaces where one could go to read or converse or play cards with other men or even have a meal or a drink. Having social space that's limited to a set of people one knows, more or less, and that has rules on behavior seems like a civilizing influence that's missing today.

I recommend everyone watch the series Lodge 49. It's free to watch with ads now. Not only is a great show that touches on relationships and loneliness and modern alienation with a touch of magical realism and esoterica and alchemy but it focuses on a fraternal (in name only, women are members) order that your grandfather might have been a member of but have disappeared due to rising individualism, rising rents and di…

I loved lodge 49. It inspired me to attend a welcome dinner at my local freemason lodge.

Sadly I discovered first hand why membership is declining (this lodge was a magnet for socially inept conspiracy theorists).

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#57
"but it doesn't feel like when I was in college and hung out with a crew of 10+ people on a weekly basis. "

I'm in my 40s and in my 20s (shortly after college), I created a meetup group and regularly met with a group of 10-12 people weekly (parties, hangouts, dinner, activities).

We are all married now (some with kids) and now meet once/month and the meetup group disbanded before covid. As I've gotten older, I realized that some friends don't make it to a new phase of life. Sometimes because it was a friendship of proximity (like a neighbor or co-worker) and other times because you are doing something different with your life.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#58

Sometimes I wish we could have "gentlemen's clubs" of the sort that existed in Victorian Britain (not the US strip club version), third-spaces where one could go to read or converse or play cards with other men or even have a meal or a drink. Having social space that's limited to a set of people one knows, more or less, and that has rules on behavior seems like a civilizing influence that's missing today.

the closest thing we have to that where i am are run clubs but they are now dangerously close to dating clubs

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#59

The lack of deep friendships feel like a 3-fold problem. 1. You can't ever be real, if you are real, you are likely to be recorded doing something someone somewhere on the largest stage in the world (the public web) that someone will disapprove of, and someone else will raise their own profile by mining your impiety to prove their own concern and moral superiority. 2. Everyone is so mobile and connected online, they…

Your points are valid, but this I do not understand: > Not to mention testosterone levels dropping Why should declining testosterone levels prevent men from socializing and making friends? Logically, it should be the other way around, right?

It’s just the adders for all the other health metrics declining. Most are due to addiction to pleasure, lack of movement, obesity, etc.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#60
post #56

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I recommend everyone watch the series Lodge 49. It's free to watch with ads now. Not only is a great show that touches on relationships and loneliness and modern alienation with a touch of magical realism and esoterica and alchemy but it focuses on a fraternal (in name only, women are members) order that your grandfather might have been a member of but have disappeared due to rising individualism, rising rents and di…

I loved lodge 49. It inspired me to attend a welcome dinner at my local freemason lodge. Sadly I discovered first hand why membership is declining (this lodge was a magnet for socially inept conspiracy theorists).

Yeah... We can't revive the old lodges. The way forward is to create new ones.
Post reply on HN