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ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

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Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#41

Post by bluesounddirect »

hkpack wrote: post #2

The person blaming his parents because they tried to do their job of, well, parenting a child with ADHD. I’ve read that psychotherapy is much more difficult when there is no-one to blame. So it might help for him, until he will have his own kids with ADHD and fail in a completely opposite way. I would not recommend anyone to blame parents of neurodivergent kids, as it is a very difficult job to do right.

i would recommend two things for adhd . labels diagnosis lables are waste of time . if you are lucky enough to live somewhere where the schools will provide evidence based help amazing. if not and you have the double dose of adhd and dyslexia, do your own research find other people / families with similar issues . it's amazing to watch two kids with adhd realizing they actually like the other kid and they think like me.

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#42

Post by tristanMatthias »

kinakomochidayo wrote: post #11

I remember Dr Gabor Mate mentioning how ADHD is from childhood traumas and upbringing and it resonates with me. For me, it was a combination of my parents authoritarian parenting, and authoritarian school/environment, where teachers never checked in with me to see how I was doing. Psychedelics was the only thing that helped me, and I haven’t taken prescribed medications in over 10 years since my powerful experience w…

Came here to say both of these things. I’ve had very similar experiences. I think treating ADHD as a trauma response doesn’t have anywhere near enough attention (pun intended).

I’m excited for the psychedelic renaissance that seems to be occurring. So much of this comes back to our internal mechanisms for feeling “safe”. If we weren’t taught that by our parents (which many don’t sadly) then it’s hard to find it later in life without very deliberate work.

Glad you were able to heal yourself mate!

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#43

Post by nijuashi »

sibeliuss wrote: post #10
hkpack wrote: post #2

The person blaming his parents because they tried to do their job of, well, parenting a child with ADHD. I’ve read that psychotherapy is much more difficult when there is no-one to blame. So it might help for him, until he will have his own kids with ADHD and fail in a completely opposite way. I would not recommend anyone to blame parents of neurodivergent kids, as it is a very difficult job to do right.

The point is: there isn't a "right" way. That's exactly what the author is trying to say. By failing to recognize the ways in which they were different, they forced a mode upon them and here we are. A whole medicalized generation addicted to stimulants trying to fit in where in past generations you had artists and rebels and seekers and every other kind of misfit that made life interesting and unique and challenging…

I disagree. The author is clearly stating that he was not compatible with his parents’ way of raising him. So he is saying their way was “wrong”, and this implies that there is a “right” way, or at least “not wrong” way. I just feel really bad for the parents.

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#44

Post by baq »

kerkeslager wrote: post #28
helge9210 wrote: post #20

(Disclaimer: not discussing the author here. These are the thoughts based on personal experiences, resurfaced as the result of reading the post) Planning for the past (what if my parents would do things differently?) is a sign of depression (not clinical advice). Blaming the parents is not productive and doesn't lead to solutions to the problems at hand. For me, taking responsibility on deciding what needs to be done…

Blaming yourself for things that aren't your fault is also a sign of depression, not productive, and doesn't lead to solutions to the problem at hand. I think we probably agree that blame just isn't the ideal way to approach problems and the end goal would be to not include blame in the thought process at all. But for someone who is blaming themselves for everything, placing blame appropriately can be a step toward r…

don't confuse blaming with introspection. you have to accept you're responsible for yourself to do that properly first, though.

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#45

Post by bitwize »

kerkeslager wrote: post #25
avereveard wrote: post #3

As a neuroatypical I feel this. But also society has to happen, even if I am at the outskirts of it. As a neuroatypical parent of a neuroatypical children, I still have to guide them understanding the structures and expectations of society, and I see often time that she resents me for it, as the autor resent their upbringing. Society just don't care, and blaming parent for trying to impart that lesson is harsh, and w…

> As a neuroatypical parent of a neuroatypical children, I still have to guide them understanding the structures and expectations of society, and I see often time that she resents me for it, as the autor resent their upbringing. I think where a lot of parents go wrong is representing things as "because I said so" when in fact, there is a very good reason for what the parent is doing and explaining that reason to the…

"Because I said so" means "My authority as a parent should be sufficient reason for compliance. You asking for additional justification threatens my shifgrethor." Shifgrethor -- Ursula K. LeGuin's word meaning, roughly, authority simultaneously as the bedrock of the organization of society and as a measure of personal self-worth, is widely perceived as bullshit by neurodivergents, and it mostly probably is. But it is of prime importance to normies and if you challenge it, normies will inflict severe consequences. This is such a powerful lesson parents feel the need to instill it early on.

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#46

Post by jappgar »

tfigueroa wrote: post #27

What you have here is essentially a tragedy. I totally sympathize with the author as someone who is (probably) neurodivergent but had accommodating parents. Being given space to better understand myself and my value was integral to my success and in being ok being different. But as a dad to a neurodivergent kid, I impose structure - sometimes to discomfort, never intentionally to pain - because structure is imposed u…

Yes I think this is the correct take.

"It shouldn't be this way!"

But it is. As others have said in comments, ADHD actually may be an optimization in certain environments, but do those environments actually exist in 2024? Even if they exist Are they preferable, overall, to the typical alternative?

There may be jobs that are better suited to someone with ADHD, but do they pay a living wage? Are they precarious? Are they dangerous?

Maybe those jobs "should" pay more. But, as a parent, your job is to prepare your kids for reality, not sell them a fantasy.

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#47

Post by notacoward »

lsecondario wrote: post #22

As a parent of kids with ADHD I've come to believe that it is disabling in two ways: an actual deficit in attention that makes it more difficult to complete tasks AND an incompatibility with an inflexible society. I see both of these in my kids' experience at school: The true deficit can be seen in inability to complete schoolwork on time. Sure, homework is artificial, but I have no doubt the same difficulties would…

Came here to say basically the same thing. It is possible both that ADHD itself negatively impacts some people and that other people's (especially parents') reactions to ADHD negatively impact some people. They're not incompatible beliefs at all. Same for autism, and also personality disorders like BPD. Putting all of the blame on either side seems overly simplistic and unhelpful. Identifying which issues stem from which causes seems much more likely to yield solutions (or at least coping mechanisms).

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#48

Post by lvl155 »

Raising kids is hard. And it’s an evolving task. How we were raised is not the right way to raise kids now. Parents sometimes try to relive or remake their childhood. You can pour so much time and energy into parenting and not get it right. It’s disheartening but sometimes it may come down to luck of the environment and just the kid. I frankly no longer think parenting matters all that much beyond simple basics such as providing food and shelter (ie economic resources).

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#49

Post by o11c »

I must disagree with this very strongly; this attitude of "the problem isn't me, the problem is other people" is exceedingly harmful.

You cannot blame others for their (alleged) inflexibility when you yourself are incapable of flexibility.

Consider: you fly to the UK and try to drive on the right side of the road like you always have. Do you have the right to blame everyone for driving toward you? Or should you adapt and drive on the left side of the road for once? Yes, the rule is arbitrary, but that doesn't make it valueless.

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#50

Post by __rito__ »

lqet wrote: post #15

> John Taylor Gatto's Dumbing Us Down perfectly captured this when he noticed that schools, another place where authority figures hang out, ruthlessly disciplined any child who tried to assert individuality. There has been an interesting result recently, which was discussed here [0]. In an online game where participants had to forage for resources, people with attention deficits scored higher, because they preferred…

There are already some research hinting that ADHD in human population helped human civilization progress. [0][1]

[0]: https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd/evolution

[1]: https://www.theguardian.com/science/2024/feb/21/adhd-may-hav...

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