The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult • Hacker News Board

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#201

Post by mattmanser » Mon, Jul 16, 2012, 1:06 PM UTC

snowwrestler wrote: post #177

mattmanser wrote: post #132

Earlier quoted context omitted.

From the US by any chance? Of the few hundred people I've met past casual acquaintance here in the UK, only a couple have ever talked about going to church as if it were normal. Even as a fairly passive atheist these days, I wouldn't be able to go, it'd just be very disingenuous play acting. In the spirit of the comment I agree that something needs to replace church in secular societies. In fact, I think this is the…

There are certain activities that seem to fill the "church gap" for people. The two that I know of are surfing and whitewater kayaking. When you're on the water you are not worrying about finances or work or the rat race. Everyone is there to surf or paddle so there is little social pressure. You have freedom to go where you want, when you want, but you still find yourself constantly running into people you recognize…

Any hobby really, there are squash and tennis clubs round the corner from me for example, they both regularly hold socials. I should join :)

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#202

Post by wpietri » Mon, Jul 16, 2012, 1:09 PM UTC

larrys wrote: post #109

tsotha wrote: post #104

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>For some reason people seem to think that someone wanting to be around because of a person's fame or money is less pure than other reasons because it's not real. There's a big difference between a person's intrinsic properties and his money. You like your friends; you like the rich guy's money. And when you're around someone for his money you're playing a part. It's a job. You're not going to tell him what you reall…

"You like your friends; you like the rich guy's money." Oh? So you think that there aren't a large number of rich people that are interesting and have achieved something which is the reason they are rich? And it would be great to spend some time with them? Steve Jobs was rich and had power and fame. So the only reason anyone would want to be around Steve is because of the money, the power and the fame? Or Larry Ellis…

Are you being intentionally obtuse?

You were talking about "wanting to be around because of a person's fame or money" being just another reason to be around. The "You like your friends; you like the rich guy's money" is just a way of restating your apparent original claim.

So coming back and saying, well, Steve Jobs is interesting, is missing by a mile what you're responding to.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#203

Post by epo » Mon, Jul 16, 2012, 1:12 PM UTC

tptacek wrote: post #148

cmelbye wrote: post #147

Earlier quoted context omitted.

According to this unscientific poll, the vast majority of HN readers that answered the poll are non-religious/atheist/agnostic: http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1486594

Absolutely unsurprising, but obviously "atheist" doesn't equate automatically to "antireligious".

Depends who you ask, it is always the insecure "religious" people who tend to perceive other people's lack of superstition as threatening, hence antireligious.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#204

Post by tptacek » Mon, Jul 16, 2012, 1:16 PM UTC

epo wrote: post #203

tptacek wrote: post #148

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Absolutely unsurprising, but obviously "atheist" doesn't equate automatically to "antireligious".

Depends who you ask, it is always the insecure "religious" people who tend to perceive other people's lack of superstition as threatening, hence antireligious.

Yeah I've seen that phenomenon, oh, about never on HN.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#205

Post by tptacek » Mon, Jul 16, 2012, 1:16 PM UTC

pyre wrote: post #198

tptacek wrote: post #139

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's funny that you felt you had to couch the church thing this way. There are more "religious" people on HN than you'd think, but they're mostly closeted. Unlike the real world, where concerns about "a war on Christianity" are entirely hysterical, there is a real intolerance towards it here. Despite incredible advances in connectivity over the last 20 years, I think you'd have a hard time finding thinkers who believ…

> they're mostly closeted Probably because they end up eliciting comments like the one you've elicited from winter_blue. There's nothing wrong with someone being religious, but this isn't the forum for an essay quoting Bible verses.

Not that I think that was a great comment or anything, but you guys sound like 8 year olds watching a grownup movie with their parents. Ew, kissing! Yuck! Turn it off!

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#206

Post by yukoncornelius » Mon, Jul 16, 2012, 1:20 PM UTC

Kliment wrote: post #200

jlgreco wrote: post #169

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I find the value of a good pub is vastly underestimated these days. I suspect a combination of American college drinking culture and abstinence style drinking education in public schools ( "you can have more fun without drinking!" ) are to blame.

Pubs are too damn loud. That's my problem with them. There's very few quiet places to have a drink. Many of the ones that do exist are upper class targeted.

In the US try the local microbrewery(s) for relief from a loud bar/pub. Unofrtunately, in the bay Area these may be upper class targeted, but in other areas you get a great mix of townies and beer fans.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#207

Post by wpietri » Mon, Jul 16, 2012, 1:22 PM UTC

philwelch wrote: post #180

jleader wrote: post #161

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Have you been to a Unitarian Universalist church? Definitely not right-wing. I've also read about left-wing Catholics and Baptists (two cases where the main organization is generally seen as right-wing, but there are significant left-wing groups within them). I'm not a church-goer myself, so I don't have any suggestions on how to find a church you're comfortable with.

> Have you been to a Unitarian Universalist church? No, and statistically, neither have practically any church-going Americans. Yes, I was talking about a generalization, I know there are liberal churches. > I don't have any suggestions on how to find a church you're comfortable with. For me personally, I don't think it's possible. I'm an atheist, and any church that's liberal enough to allow atheism frankly doesn't…

Depends on what you mean by verve, but I know some atheists who are perfectly happy with the Unitarian Universalist church they go to. Plenty of interesting people, a variety of social activities, a good place for their kids. They love it.

I know some other atheists who go to a weekly Buddhist meditation group and they are pretty involved with that community as well. I went by for a couple of sits and it seemed like a great place to meet people. They were all quite sincere and passionate about what brought them together. More so than in many Christian churches I've visited, where a lot of the people are more Christian-by-default than in any particularly thoughtful way.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#208

Post by MicahWedemeyer » Mon, Jul 16, 2012, 1:49 PM UTC

So the woman keeping score: Would she accept herself as a friend? Is she a perfect 100? Or perhaps a 99, since she forgets to wish people a happy birthday on Facebook sometimes...?

If I find out my friends or acquaintances are scoring me, that's an automatic -100 in my friend ledger.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#209

Post by joshuacc » Mon, Jul 16, 2012, 2:03 PM UTC

plinkplonk wrote: post #191

winter_blue wrote: post #189

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you want really good theology I would recommend Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis: http://www.amazon.com/Mere-Christianity-C-S-Lewis/dp/0060652... I'm a Christian myself and have been one for nearly two two years. I came from a more or less non-religious background growing up and today Christ is of utmost importance in my life displacing everything else. I look forward to ultimate redemption of mankind - basically a…

ugh the last thing we want - Christian (or any other religion for that matter) dogma and evangelization on HN. What's next? A discussion of the Occultation of the Hidden Imam? This stuff on HN needs flagging.

Personally, I'd find that discussion very interesting.

For anyone else who is unfamiliar with the term: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Occultation

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#210

Post by joshuacc » Mon, Jul 16, 2012, 2:10 PM UTC

president wrote: post #134

fecklessyouth wrote: post #108

CHURCH, CHURCH, CHURCH. There's none of the financial worries, pecking orders, or time constraints of workplace friendships, plus more of the freedom. You do it, supposedly, once a week, or more. There's no pressure to make small talk because you're there for another purpose as well, so if you get uncomfortable, you can just leave. As you get more involved, you start joining committees, planning events, coaching team…

I would assume most church-goers know this already. Doubt the rest of us secular folk would ever go to church to make friends..

But of course, there are other groups than "church-goers" and "secular folk," like the moderately religious and nominally religious, who just aren't involved in their churches.