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The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

nytimes.com

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Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#191

Post by plinkplonk »

winter_blue wrote: post #189
tptacek wrote: post #139

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's funny that you felt you had to couch the church thing this way. There are more "religious" people on HN than you'd think, but they're mostly closeted. Unlike the real world, where concerns about "a war on Christianity" are entirely hysterical, there is a real intolerance towards it here. Despite incredible advances in connectivity over the last 20 years, I think you'd have a hard time finding thinkers who believ…

If you want really good theology I would recommend Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis: http://www.amazon.com/Mere-Christianity-C-S-Lewis/dp/0060652... I'm a Christian myself and have been one for nearly two two years. I came from a more or less non-religious background growing up and today Christ is of utmost importance in my life displacing everything else. I look forward to ultimate redemption of mankind - basically a…

ugh the last thing we want - Christian (or any other religion for that matter) dogma and evangelization on HN. What's next? A discussion of the Occultation of the Hidden Imam?

This stuff on HN needs flagging.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#192

Post by PakG1 »

m0th87 wrote: post #19

> Thayer Prime, a 32-year-old strategy consultant who lives in London, has even developed a playful 100-point scale (100 being “best friend forever”). In her mind, she starts to dock new friend candidates as they begin to display annoying or disloyal behavior. Nine times out of 10, she said, her new friends end up from 30 to 60, or little more than an acquaintance. Whoa. I would never want to be acquaintances with th…

When I read this, I honestly wasn't taken aback by it. Rather, it seemed to me a pragmatic realization that often, our friendships are self-selecting. If someone doesn't call you back, you naturally won't get closer to them. If someone does call you back, you probably will naturally get closer.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#193

Post by pyre »

eupharis wrote: post #158
callmeed wrote: post #155

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've honestly never heard of this pastime. Is this a non-US or east coast thing? Can you elaborate on what goes on?

It's very common in Portland at least. Any night of the week within any three mile radius there's a bar somewhere hosting trivia. It's just people who come to a normal bar once a week and play trivia. Think Jeopardy with teams and booze. Sometimes there are prizes for winning/losing. There is an entry fee that goes toward the prize pool and compensation for the person running the trivia.

I assume you mean the Portland in Oregon, not the one in Maine? ;-)

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#194

Post by PakG1 »

sliverstorm wrote: post #163
larrys wrote: post #109

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"You like your friends; you like the rich guy's money." Oh? So you think that there aren't a large number of rich people that are interesting and have achieved something which is the reason they are rich? And it would be great to spend some time with them? Steve Jobs was rich and had power and fame. So the only reason anyone would want to be around Steve is because of the money, the power and the fame? Or Larry Ellis…

the only reason anyone would want to be around Steve is because of the money, the power and the fame? You completely miss the point- it isn't that nobody could like Steve as a person. It's that, how can Steve tell who likes Steve and who just likes Steve's money?

That test really only happens in truly-down-in-the-dumps or life-and-death situations.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#195

Post by ry0ohki »

pyre wrote: post #193
eupharis wrote: post #158

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's very common in Portland at least. Any night of the week within any three mile radius there's a bar somewhere hosting trivia. It's just people who come to a normal bar once a week and play trivia. Think Jeopardy with teams and booze. Sometimes there are prizes for winning/losing. There is an entry fee that goes toward the prize pool and compensation for the person running the trivia.

I assume you mean the Portland in Oregon, not the one in Maine? ;-)

I wouldn't doubt that Portland, ME has plenty of bar trivia too, I've never been to a city that didn't

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#196

Post by nickzoic »

geoffschmidt wrote: post #149
pehrlich wrote: post #45

Where's summer camp for adults?

Burning Man. Join a theme camp and work on a big project for three months with 50 people, then try to survive the dust storms together on the playa. It's a great way to make friends. I'm told that you can have a similar experience working on a Mardi Gras float in New Orleans. There must be other regional equivalents.

Motorcycle Rallies. Of course, it does help somewhat to be into bikes.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#197

Post by nickzoic »

jessedhillon wrote: post #91
rubashov wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, I wasn't contradicting you, dude. Maybe you'd make more friends if you chilled out.

How are you not contradicting him? He said he made some great friends through casual sports, and you're saying that lifelong friendship cannot happen through casual sports. You are directly disagreeing with him about how deep his friendships are. Based on nothing more than armchair psychology!

I dunno, maybe he's saying that if you take casual sports as seriously as the first guy evidently takes his casual sports, they count as a shared struggle, etc, etc.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#198

Post by pyre »

tptacek wrote: post #139
dctoedt wrote: post #65

1. It helps to volunteer regularly for a non-profit cause that you believe in, or at least approve of. You likely will get to know some "nice" people; once you establish that you're actually committed to whatever the cause is, and not just on the prowl, then you can establish lifelong bonds. 2. It also helps to be cheerfully unembarrassed about taking the lead in organizing groups to do stuff. People are often secret…

It's funny that you felt you had to couch the church thing this way. There are more "religious" people on HN than you'd think, but they're mostly closeted. Unlike the real world, where concerns about "a war on Christianity" are entirely hysterical, there is a real intolerance towards it here. Despite incredible advances in connectivity over the last 20 years, I think you'd have a hard time finding thinkers who believ…

  > they're mostly closeted
Probably because they end up eliciting comments like the one you've elicited from winter_blue. There's nothing wrong with someone being religious, but this isn't the forum for an essay quoting Bible verses.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#199

Post by einhverfr »

zerostar07 wrote: post #185
einhverfr wrote: post #181

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Here's the thing though.... If there was more of a gift economy in these cases, the intrinsic properties would be something like generosity, fairness, and honor. You have a lot of money and have a reputation for these things, who is to say that isn't more real? The problem though is form. I am generous with my good fortune to you. What are you doing for me in return? It used to be that a gift demanded reciprocity (as…

I think the examples you mention would fall into the sphere of "acquaintances" or "family friends" or "connections" or "not enemies" today (in the business or strategic sense). We are talking about actual close friends, comrades, (BFFs if u want) here.

I don't think that's all though.

Case in point, read the Old English poem "The Wanderer" (ideally in Old English but if necessary in translation) and remember that the relationship the narrator is lamenting is this sort of relationship.

The point is that gifts tie us together. As one person said, "obligations unite us, debts drive us apart." The idea that you give money and there is some sort of a moral obligation to reciprocate in some way (but not a quantified debt) creates the bond.

The way gift economies work is that you give gifts out and therefore obtain communal esteem, and people reciprocate to get that esteem by giving you gifts.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#200

Post by Kliment »

jlgreco wrote: post #169
prawn wrote: post #110

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Aren't quiet pubs/bars for that? Or say you've had a busy week but how about takeaway and some trashy TV in the background? Been meaning to try some local restaurant, you guys want to see if it's any good?

I find the value of a good pub is vastly underestimated these days. I suspect a combination of American college drinking culture and abstinence style drinking education in public schools ( "you can have more fun without drinking!" ) are to blame.

Pubs are too damn loud. That's my problem with them. There's very few quiet places to have a drink. Many of the ones that do exist are upper class targeted.
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