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Always go to the funeral (2005)

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Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#241

Post by o11c »

dspillett wrote: post #182
o11c wrote: post #16

> By the time I was 16, I had been to five or six funerals. Is it just me or does this actually seem kind of low ? They say your social cluster is 150 people, so you should be going to about 2 funerals every year (this ignores age-clustering, but that's counterbalanced by the fact that you often go to funerals slightly outside your cluster and the fact that the cluster changes over time).

Sounds within the right range to me. By that time I think I'd have been to five that I remember (a great-grandparent, a grandparent, an uncle, a great aunt, a school friend who was skittled on his morning paper-round). There may have been others that I was too young at the time to remember now. For me, funerals and similar services are more for family and close (or at least close-ish) friends. My social cluster might…

I'm not sure I'm quite hitting 2, but it's pretty close. I just sat down and made a list purely from memory, and got 1 per year since I started persisting memories. And I have to be forgetting some.

In fact, the actual number includes a significant decrease due to excluding "funerals I would've gone to if I didn't have a more important funeral to go to" and "people who moved away before they died". Thankfully in recent years remote recording is usually a thing in some form (live or not, video or just audio; the quality depends significantly on the funeral home).

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#242

Post by I-M-S »

lambdaphagy wrote: post #74
unholyguy001 wrote: post #21

You should go to the funeral if you think the right thing is to go to the funeral You should do it for yourself, out of respect for the person who died and respect for the loved ones remaining. Not out of societal obligation The corollary to that is there are plenty of times where the right thing is to not go to the funeral. If you lack those things. There have been times I don’t go the funeral. Because the dead pers…

I recently had the occasion to visit the deathbed of a relative who died with much of his family deeply wounded by, and angry at, him. Had you known him, you might have called him a horrible person and not without some backing for that claim. But I went because I felt a duty to my relatives that isn’t released just because they didn’t hold up their end of the bargain: he had indirectly given me life, even if he had d…

By being too lenient towards those who have not deserved it, we are being unjust towards those who have.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#243

Post by aeronaut80 »

hk1337 wrote: post #240
cobbaut wrote: post #177

Please visit people when they are still alive. My aunt was alone for the last three years of her live, up to 94 years old. She had almost no visitors, and was not able to go out by herself. I went there about every week, and was always the only visitor. Then came the funeral, with well over 400 people there, and around 200 people at the coffee table after the funeral. And I was like: Where the hell were you guys the…

> Where the hell were you guys the past three years? Maybe they were there when you weren't there and they're asking the same question about you? Maybe your aunt never really thought to bring up that so-and-so had come to visit while you were there, so then as far as you know, nobody came to visit? Maybe they called, sure it's not the same as visiting but it's something. It's true though, as humans we tend to not thi…

Maybe the aunt was in a care facility where a record of visitors is kept, and so they know for sure how many visitors there were. Anyway regardless of the specifics of this situation, there are many others where far more people turn up for the funeral than did for the person in their later years.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#244

Post by EVa5I7bHFq9mnYK »

throw_pm23 wrote: post #219
EVa5I7bHFq9mnYK wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As part of my plan of not inconveniencing anyone, I already doled out kids' inheritance in cash and real estate, and will donate the rest. I also rented 100-years storage at forever.com, so nobody has to deal with my old photos, memorabilia etc. Everything else is a matter of 2 hours' work by a garbage disposal team. Executors can walk.

I predict your 100-years storage to last about 2 years.

Wonna bet?

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#245

Post by [deleted] »

sgt101 wrote: post #102

I had a friend who died young, I was young as well. I went to his funeral and there was an opportunity to speak about him and our memories of him. No one stood up to speak. It was awful. I wanted to stand up and say he was a good friend, and to say I would miss him, but I didn't. I've regretted that ever since - 30 years now, and I think about it frequently.

[deleted]

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#246

Post by 01HNNWZ0MV43FF »

vitiral wrote: post #155
wvlia5 wrote: post #106

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But it's a somewhat odd custom no? Funerals. Probably no one stood up to talk because it felt awkward, as it is. It's not like you hurt your friends feelings for not speaking up.

Funerals are an "odd custom"? What an entirely odd thing to say, I cannot imagine what you mean. Why is meditating on the passing of a friend, remembering their life and being present with the grief of their family "odd"??

It is odd to only offer 5 seconds for people who are crying to organize their thoughts and speak

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#247

Post by 01HNNWZ0MV43FF »

zanderwohl wrote: post #107
sgt101 wrote: post #102

I had a friend who died young, I was young as well. I went to his funeral and there was an opportunity to speak about him and our memories of him. No one stood up to speak. It was awful. I wanted to stand up and say he was a good friend, and to say I would miss him, but I didn't. I've regretted that ever since - 30 years now, and I think about it frequently.

My grandfather died a few years ago. By all accounts, he was opinionated, mean, and yelled at people a lot -- until a stroke humbled him. When it was time to speak, nobody got up to say anything, until I did. I mentioned so many of us had negative feelings about him, and then recalled what good things he did for us. That ice broken, several of my cousins also stood up and spoke. My uncle, who had arranged the funeral…

I wanted to say that at my mom's funeral. "Her good parts deserved better than her bad parts". But I was crying a lot, and trying to act normal around extended family who hadn't seen me for several years and at least one gender ago, so I didn't want to say anything vaguely negative.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#248

Post by [deleted] »

anal_reactor wrote: post #98
hombre_fatal wrote: post #68

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Same with social events. All my life, I always get this last second resistance to going, yet I'm always glad I went. The reasons my brain comes up with for why I shouldn't go are just lies. Just go. And take what you can get while the opportunities are still coming.

That's bad advice to always go to social events. I tried to follow it in order to expand my social circle, but I ended up staying in places that sucked, with people I didn't like. I try to dedicate some effort to tell whether I actually want to attend or not, and then follow through. I follow my gut, but never change my mind after making the decision.

[deleted]

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#249

Post by CooCooCaCha »

seanhunter wrote: post #184
cobbaut wrote: post #177

Please visit people when they are still alive. My aunt was alone for the last three years of her live, up to 94 years old. She had almost no visitors, and was not able to go out by herself. I went there about every week, and was always the only visitor. Then came the funeral, with well over 400 people there, and around 200 people at the coffee table after the funeral. And I was like: Where the hell were you guys the…

^ this. Also, don't allow yourself to be put off by the idea that you don't know what to say or whatever. Just go. If you think it's hard for you it's doubly hard for the person who is dying and noone is visiting them because they don't know what to say. My cousin was in hospital dying of cancer. I spoke to my mum and she said she wasn't sure what to say etc, so she ended up not going. I went. I said to him "hey this…

[flagged]

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#250

Post by 01HNNWZ0MV43FF »

anal_reactor wrote: post #99
aantix wrote: post #11

There's been a lot more reflective, humanity stories on HN. Or maybe I'm just noticing more. I've been on HN since 2007. There was that story a few weeks ago with the aging parents and their daughter that took a picture of them waving goodbye, each year she visited. I like these stories. It gives me pause and to wonder what it's all been for. Probably for my kids. My second oldest (9) loves creating levels in Geometr…

There are three groups of people on HN: - kids who just graduated and realize that they've been told lies and need some life advice - midlife crisis - retirees who can see the death slowly approaching and reevaluate their lives in panic

Personally I intend to have as many midlife crises as I can afford
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